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I think the boyfriend gold-digger comment also related to your earning potential.

I think the money issue relates to the value we put on ourselves; or that I put on myself.  I asked myself once, why I was worth less than everyone else.  Then the worth less - worthless combination slapped my awareness.

I was at our local festival yesterday, people watching and thinking about my life, what I want, what I expect.  I suddenly had the thought that even if I had money, even if I lost weight - I would still be me.  I would still be quiet, a little hard to approach.  I would still think too much.

But I also think I could afford to take better care of myself...Maybe I do value myself somewhat just because I had the thought.  Not enough to open way for abundance, though.

Why do I get off on worry, panic, dread?  Do all of these emotions tie back to the helpless child enduring who knows what in the dark?  Because I do lose sleep over this.  Is this my form of over-vigilance?  Of staying awake so nothing happens to me or anyone else in the house?

(This is all emerging as I type.  I didn't know I thought this...)

When I went through the 12-Steps, which started this journey for me, I don't know how much I raged.  I cried a lot, but it was all sorrow - for what happened to me, for what I did to others.  I wonder how much rage is trapped inside me.  Maybe my lack of rage is tied to my feelings of worthlessness.  There seems to be a logical connection - I deserved it, sort of...

I need another source of income, but I'm not too worried about the time commitment yet, since no one has hired me yet!

You mentioned applying for a position. How is that going?

We're staying home today, as my daughter works, then later we'll have grandkids so their parents can dance until 2 am and not worry about anything.  Back to the festival tomorrow.  I think the baby could only take one day at a time, so this is good.

Love you,

Clare