Skinny-dipping in the Swamp

We need to write a song, Skinny-dipping in the swamp!  The image is playful, and I even believe there may be some clear spots to leave us refreshed and sparkling.  This is a little less of a burden than the thought of hiding in my shroud, trying to get out.  Of course, I am not much of a skinny-dipper.  I haven't been too many times.  Partly because of that Catholic background and shameful feelings about the naked body and partly - not enough freedom or opportunity.

I had a notebook full of scribbling by the time I finished the Myss Sacred Contracts book, but I don't think I have my notes anymore.  I am pretty sure I am not the prostitute, though.  I think I would remember, so we'll just let you have that honor.  And you can be any kind of prostitute you would like, as long as you wear the badge with honor!!

You noticed that you close up and shut down as soon as your crisis passes.  Isn't that we all have done?  Now that everyone is okay again, no more effects of the slit wrists and downing a bottle of Tylenol...now it's like it never happened.  We have all closed up and shut down.  So how can you avoid it?  On the one hand, once we have conquered a crisis, it is not necessary to keep discussing it.  Once someone has stepped in and helped, there's no need to talk about it forever, or even for the rest of the week.  How do we stay open?  Not shut each other out? Someday you/I will realize that no one judges us by our lapses or weaknesses except ourselves.  Perfect is awful to live with, and we just want you to be okay, we can all be okay, we can all show off where we are strong, instead of expecting you/me to do it.  Actually, in the family - it's you who is recognized as the get it done girl...but I have the same need to save or at least mother the world.

Your analysis of your relationship with S#3 is amazingly accurate.  The other piece is to think about why S#3 needs bailed out.  She is using some bad patterns to numb the pain.  She is a brilliant, generous woman who is struggling to stay aloft...treading water in the swamp.  She occasionally gets exhausted and goes under.

I see similar patterns among all of you.  B#1 and B#2 shared a room, shared friends and experiences.  They were always close when we were young.  I do wonder how they are doing now.  I think B#2 can distract B#1 from his problems and make him feel comfortable.  Not healthy.  Likewise B#3 and B#4 always shared a room, and friends and experiences.  Their kids are closest - possibly of all the cousins.  It seems as though they have gone out of their way to maintain their relationship.  You described your relationship with S#3.  And the little girls are close.  They text and watch American Idol together.  They may be the only ones who have a standing date that is important to them.  They make time for each other.  The oldest three brothers have similar experiences, you and S#3 took the brunt of sexual attack by siblings, the little girls seemed to escape the sexual abuse, and Dad always thought they were cute, and so they seemed to miss the emotional abuse.  But they were witnesses to the abuse of others.

So where does this leave me?  When Dad was overseas, Mom had me move into her room.  When Dad got home, I was sent back to the mass of children.  That was confusing.  And I don't know if I was sexually abused.  Sometimes I wonder if Dad hurt the first seven of us.  I can't remember.  I know something happened when I was young to drive me out of my body.  I sort of remember that Dad said I was going to get the belt when I was very young - five, maybe.  I remember being terrified, I remember knowing it was going to happen.  But I can't remember if it did. 

I fantasize about going to a spiritualist camp and asking a psychic what happened.  What do you think?

Love you so much!