Inhale

S#4 and her brood are missing the wedding.  So six sibs will be together, and all the boys will be present.  I complain about the poverty of my life, but sometimes it is a bit of a blessing.  I have an excuse to miss anything and everything.  Mostly I don't feel anything.  I feel so outside of what is happening, that I don't really think I am missing anything nor that I am especially missed.  Sometimes I wonder if something spiritual inside of me orchestrates it so I don't have to do things I really don't want to do.  Or allows me to feel a bit martyrish when I miss other things...the increasingly obvious problem being that it stops me from doing the things I want to do, and even things I need to do.  The other problem is that this has become so much who I am that I don't know how to be different.  I don't exactly pray, but I had a "prayer" earlier this week...please readjust whatever is inside me that blocks abundance.  We'll see what happens.

This weekend's festival is local to where I live now.  It is much smaller, and more human than the one you went to with us.  We don't get herded at this fest.  I love the fest.  I didn't go last year because my husky was so sick.  My last dog, the ancient little spaniel who lives with me now, is not doing great this year, but she doesn't know that - he definitely did and so my presence was important to him.  She mostly sleeps.  Without a car, I go when one of the kids goes, so I never know how much of the festival I will get to experience.  I have learned to trust life.

I honor patient people who know that creating a drama won't solve anything, nor will it improve the situation.  I don't know how to tell the difference between patient serenity, and stepping out of life while pretending to participate!  People comment on my serenity and patience...not sure if it's a strength, though.  But after life with Dad, making problems anytime he had to wait, my patience is a good thing!

So Maggie is slowly wading through the swamp, and about to stub her toe on something big.  Just keep your balance and you will be fine!

Home after a few hours of festival.  I  talked to a lot of people.  Then it started to pour, so we brought my grandson back to my house for the night.  Now we're warm and cozy and tired.

I also have the feeling that I'm on the verge of something.  I don't think it's a memory, though.  I feel like something life changing is about to happen.  I feel like I'm in the middle of a slow motion inhale...