gossip/concern

I think I understand what you are describing. We bond over the criticism of the other. It is gossip, pure and simple...not something I am proud of, but do see myself involved in.

S#5 and I bonded over creating interventions of tough love for S#3 a few years back. It was veiled in our altruistic desire to help her, but in reality it was a tough love lesson...covertly planned and carried out to teach her responsibility. Again, we didn't confront S#3, we decided upon our reactions to her issues. I will never forget one night we were all together and S#3 said, "Is this an intervention?". We admitted that it was our feeble attempt at one. That simple acknowledgement opened the communication up to a different level.

We really do need to learn to communicate openly and respectfully with each other.
There are ways to say things that can cut the other to the quick...
this was an all too familiar pattern in our house and family.
There are also ways to express concerns and observations that can convey genuine concern...
but that's not our taught nature...that would take effort and thought processes prior to opening our mouths...
You are right, we talk to anyone except the person with the answers...what are we afraid of?
Hearing the truths?
I am sure that if people were worried about me I would perceive that as caring, not intrusion.
I have wondered if, since I sent that original letter, if the others are talking about my sanity...
poor Maggie...crazy as she is...struggling with all of this.
In reality, I expect that no one is talking about it, because it is too damned uncomfortable to talk about.
You are the one who has reached out. Mom made an attempt to connect...I will give her credit for that. Even S#3 doesn't talk about "it".

I have been wondering how you have been able to retain so many childhood memories. What was different about your experience that allows you access to all of those memories? My first thought was that it was because you were older, but I don't think so. Why do you have this gift? I am grateful that you do have them, without these memories we would not be able to make sense of these experiences. Any thoughts?

I have been trying to put all that I learned about trauma into context. It is a work in progress to be sure.
I am seeing patterns of abuse and disease. I have been researching abuse and the connection to disease...it is fascinating. It's not just mental illness, it is multisystem disease. One of the most fascinating things that is being found is that those illnesses are passed on to the offspring. What we have thought to be genetic diseases may be traceable to childhood trauma of the person or their parents or even farther back. I am intrigued...

I love you. I thank you. I am grateful for your presence in my life...
Maggie

P.S. I do understand the concept of having it all, just not at the same time. I am enjoying and learning from my kids and would not wish them away in a heartbeat. I just sometimes feel so constricted by the life I've built. Perhaps it is a "seasoning" process.