Suffering in silence does kill us. Yet religion terms this as holy. Look at the stories of the martyrs and saints we listened to as children, the more they suffered the holier they were. I think part of the release of shame comes from discovering we weren't the only ones who were attacked, and that it was not our fault and that we are okay, that the one who hurt us did something wrong. But, we are much more controllable when we are silent and the violence can continue unabated because no one is screaming "No!" We are made to believe that suffering in silence is noble and strong and godly. The shame comes from - it is my fault. I fell into that trap, I believed it was my fault - I analyzed what I did to deserve it. I never spent time wondering why some guy felt like he was just allowed to grab me and use me. I never wondered why the system was going to try to find a way to blame me, and therefore let some guy off the hook...because, after all he couldn't help himself. I had breasts, so I deserved to be attacked. I only wondered how to pretend that I was okay, I was normal, I was not damaged goods. Do men ever refer to themselves as goods?
I think men are trapped in one of the severest forms of oppression possible. I truly believe men and women are healthiest and work best together in an egalitarian, mutually respectful relationship. Deep down in their psyches, healthy men believe the same...but that is hard to believe, to find anywhere in our culture. Women are truly second class citizens - look at the way we are treated. Yet, if men want solace and connection, they have to lower themselves to interact with women. So they make it all sexual, because we no longer know how to define intimacy any other way. I was thinking about the "abomination" of homosexuality. Lesbianism is entertainment in our current culture. Besides it's just two women, two lower class entities, interacting. But gay men...there are two problems here. First, one or both of the men has to be receptive, and a man behaving in any way, shape or form like a woman is complete degradation. There is nothing more disgusting than being womanly. The other problem I see is that romantic relationships are not supposed to be between equals. Women are inferior, men lord over us. We are supposed to support our men, and feel oh so grateful that one has deigned to love us. In a relationship with two men, there is an equality that frightens those who know they must own and control a woman in order to have a relationship. Rather than explore equality, we torture gay men and tie their dead bodies to fences. I knew someone who liked to go "roll fags" for entertainment. He was a real man!!
I am not surprised that abuse triggers genetic changes which allows for diseases to begin. I knew a glorious young woman, a woman who lit a room when she walked in, a woman of such grace and love...and she died of ovarian cancer at age 35. As she was dying she told her mom that she had been molested by her mom's best friend's husband. He said she deserved it, she wanted it - because she was sexy. She was 14 years old. She didn't even know what sexy meant. So she was tortured and her reproductive organs took the pain, stored the pain and developed a disease. What's really sick is that the abuser's wife defends him. She is so afraid to be without a man that anything he does is acceptable, and defensible. You reported that our mom said she couldn't imagine life without our dad. I think she really couldn't imagine life alone. My youngest has a best friend whose stepfather abuses her, he abuses her younger half-siblings. The authorities intervened, separated the family, put the mom and kids in a safe house and cleared the home before allowing her and the kids to go back. Her mom went about one week alone. He brought flowers and apologies, and she went right back into the garbage. She complains all the time, she hates her life, but she does nothing. I think maybe the ultimate shame for a woman is to not be loved by a man. We'll take anything, rather than be alone, and admit publicly that we are not worthy. She would rather sacrifice her kids than admit that a man does not find her acceptable and worthy of possession.
Pain causes us to gasp. And so we have asthma. Pain at the hands of someone who has to love us - it's a rule - parents have to love their children - breaks our hearts. And so we have heart disease. It's very logical.
But, I do believe in miracles. I believe that the body can heal itself. I believe that we can learn to love ourselves, that we can find a place where we are totally, unconditionally accepted in community - strengths and weaknesses and all - and we can thrive and heal. I love you unconditionally. I think you are magnificent. I think you have the most amazing laugh. I think that when you stop and listen, you have this gift of unfailing focus that lets people know they are important and you are awesome when you do that. I actually have visions of you standing on Thunder Bay's back, arms outstretched, powerful, brimming with joy, leaping over the swamp. You have such power!
We need to revive community. We need to start with conception between equals, gentle birth, unscheduled, child-led breastfeeding, followed by child-led weaning. We need to have a community where mixed ages support each other, listen to each other, work together. The institutionalized lives we lead now are destroying what's left of our humanity. We can't touch each other any more.
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