Empty to be filled

I am going to the beach next week and know that I need to play.
I need to walk, run, splash and laugh...really, pee your pants laugh (that's not hard after 4 kids!)...
it's revitalizing.
I am gearing myself up for vacation...it takes alot for me to leave my home..mental and physical preparation...but I am doing that work now...so I will be ready.

After I wrote the last post I also had the thought, what will the family say...how will it affect them?
I actually quickly answered my own question that this is not about me or my family it is about all of the children who are being hurt, from the inside out, and living with the scars for the rest of their lives. It is killing us as a race.

I finished a book last night (well I still have the epilogue to read) called the Biology of Belief by Bruce Lipton...it was a moment of synchronicity that I chose to read it.
It was very much in tune with my research...the epigenetics or environmental factors that affect our gene expression...
but throughout the last chapter that I read you were very present in the words...
it was called Conscious Parenting: Parents as Genetic Engineers.
He writes that everything parents do with and to and around their children affects the genetic expression and health and well being of that child. It talks about conscious conception and conscious pregnancy and how responsive the developing fetus is to the environment. It is one reason why no 2 children are alike. It talked about gentle birth, having our babies close to us as much as possible, teaching by their observation very early on. It talked about the dichotomy of the conscious and subconscious minds...the conscious mind trying to make novel choices and changes in the life while the subconscious plays back those "old tapes" that we learned too well as children...you are worthless...you are to be seen, not heard...you are fat....why try when you are going to fail anyway...I told you so...just find a nice man to marry you and take care of you...ad nauseum....no wonder kids turn out just like their parents...and their grandparents...that's who is programming their brains.

I spent the night wondering what messages I've programmed into the heads of my 4. I hope they are positive, empowering messages. But I remember a time, after the 4th was born when I was desperately depressed and angrily said things like...I gave up everything for you. I stayed physically present, but my soul wanted to run away. That's when I found music again. I started to take voice lessons and then sing publicly and then write my own music...it was my channel to find my voice.
I want to sing again now...but for some reason I am resisting setting up a lesson with my old friend and music coach. I can't explain why...but I just resist it right now.

My life is so full of so many things,
where do I turn to find peace?
How do I find the time and the space
to connect with my God in this place?
My spirit's tied down with ropes and with threads,
keeping me from my Lord.
I pray for the strength to break free of this hold
and rise gently back to home.
How do I empty myself of this world,so that You can fill me up?
How do I let go of all that I am  to move closer to Your plan?

Those last 2 lines are all about the "programming" that was part of my early life...letting it all go...recognizing the false beliefs that I have embraced for far too long...and moving ahead without that baggage weighing me down...the shroud in the swamp!

I have been in a funck...a depression.
I have noticed a change though over the past week or so...more energy, more awareness, more focus. I wrote over 20 pages of research proposal this weekend and it was coherent and good...
I may be entering a manic phase...
Mania for me is creative drive...it is when I wrote my songs...recorded my songs...felt God's presence guiding me...was on fire with the Light...
it was one of the reasons that I resisted taking meds for depression...I didn't want to give up those creative, powerful, connected episodes.

So how does one begin a grassroots, Me Too, movement? I will have to consider the organizational steps...maybe I will research MADD. I really feel that this research will highlight the problem and will be a springboard for speaking out on the subject...it is one of my main motivators for the project.
I am also starting on the Board of our county domestic violence program so that will give me some place to work and organize. I will watch for the openings and not be afraid of the paths even if they aren't clearly lit.

I love you,
Blessings,
Maggie