I think grey is a marvelous choice. It is the color of obedience. And my spirit feels grey when I obey. I was thinking about black and white television, all shades of grey. When we wake up and lead ourselves, do what is right for us, maybe it all turns to color! Parts of my life have been very colorful!
I have an important question: Do you like yourself? You want your husband to like you, so that leads me to that deeper place of: Do you like you?
I am going to try to go there...but first, I looked at your list of experiences. I have a few comments from the outside, from someone who was watching. Being an actress is not all bad. It is not good to completely act, to not have anything authentic of self to offer the world. But being an actress is knowing how to shine, how to attract attention, how to demonstrate ways of being through your acting and star quality. That being on quality leads you to sing, leads you to teach. You would be a boring teacher without it. I think the actress is the facade, but not necessarily a lie.
And your leadership is not and never was hollow. Your lack of belief in yourself just made it feel so. You are a leader, because people listen, consider, and then some follow. What you have to say is never a lie or a pretense.
And the busy, busy, busy I understand. If you sit still you might feel, so keep moving! I have used this technique many times. Again, it's not all bad. It has put me in the middle of community. Right now I am on hiatus, without a car. I am not sure if I am doing this to myself, or if the universe has decided to slow me down. I am trusting, and waiting for way to open.
So the question of the day becomes: Do I like myself? Or maybe, if I met me, would I like me?
I don't completely and honestly know. Sometimes I think I am a cactus - all prickly on top of thick skin. The ooey, gooey is way inside and hard to access. I speak quickly without thought, and regret it for years. I beat myself up over cruel or thoughtless words. I have gotten much better about this now that I am older. But I still kick the young me around. I am hard to get close to, I think, so it's hard to know if I like me. Once close, yeah, I like me. My first instinct is always to kindness, even if my mouth misrepresents me.
Do I like me? Maybe not, since I am unwilling to share me. I isolate myself, which may answer the question about who is doing this to me...which makes me current life an act of cowardice not an act of faith.
On a semi-related front: Someone said something flirty recently. In typical form, it took me a few minutes to get it, to understand that someone was reaching out to me, inviting me to be closer. Then I shut down. I think of all the reasons I should not be liked. I list the things I need to improve before I am willing to be open. I know that this is a great way to not exactly give up, but to give up i truth. At least now I am seeing these moments more quickly and observing them without disgust at myself. In fact, I think I am beginning to amuse myself. Is this a good development?
About vacations, I read an article last year that said people need two weeks to really disengage from work and daily life. So we should have a three weeks away if we truly want to relax and have a vacation. This could be why you feel exhausted after a week. You were half way to detachment and you came back to daily life and reattached to too much.
How am I feeling about this daily dose of vulnerability? I look forward to this. I look forward to your responses. I enjoy exploring the paths I would not have seen on my own. I am recognizing some of my keys and triggers. But I also feel like I have a sister. I talk with S#3 fairly regularly - weeklyish, almost - and occasionally we go deep. But this time with you in virtual reality has been more consistent and more reliable. Thank you for showing up. I think knowing that you will be here provides more stability than I may have ever had. Strange, isn't it. And it's making me a bit sad to write that!
Maybe that's the key to life and love and relationships and healing...simply show up!
L&L, Clare
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