Grey...I think it's grey

Grey...I think obedience is a dull grey...
absorbing almost everything that attempts to illuminate it...
sucking it up (pun intended).
I think it is meant to hide in plain sight and is acceptable because others can completely ignore it because it is so un-noticeable.

I have had little time and energy to think in the past 24 hours...
vacation hangover...
It is a strange tiredness that overtakes me when I return home.
It is as if my whole body relaxes and acknowledges that, despite the fun of travel, it is exhausting.
But it is a good tired. I spent yesterday mowing between downpours...and then grooming my horses.
Then I curled up on the couch with all of my house animals around me and read.
It was incredibly peaceful...thank you universe.

I was reading Mom's email of the weekend festivities. It seems that they all had a good time.

So, how are you feeling about our past and the perspective we've gained by sharing on an almost daily basis?
I hear the message of vulnerability and your willingness to be open.
I am still feeling at peace...waiting for the next round of memories or emotions to crack open.
It is peaceful with a touch of dread/anticipation...if that makes sense.
I feel stronger than I have in a long time.
I feel as if I am being prepared for something more...

The like/love distinction is incredibly important.
One of the issues that I had within my own marriage, before we separated, was that my husband didn't really like me.
He was too busy to get to know me, to talk with me, to be intimate without being physical.
I remember one evening talking to my oldest and breaking down into tears...
I cried that I wished her father would just like me for who I am...
not the image that I created to join his "main line" world and please his family and friends.
I sold myself out to fit in...

Now I am reclaiming myself.
I am 50 years old and being re-born. It is extremely difficult to know who you are, at the core, when you've spent most of your life pretending to be anything other than yourself.
When I was very young and went to school I pretended to be perfect...to have it all together. Throughout middle school and high school I was a leader, but no one ever saw how hollow I was...it was all a facade...I needed positive reinforcement from some source...it wasn't coming from home...so I sought it by overachieving in my classes and extracurricular activities...
I went to college and again overachieved...with success.
I learned alot in med school...that I wasn't the superstar that I believed I was...in that cohort I was average...I learned to tread water...maintain passing grades and never let anyone see me sweat.
Residency was much like that...I was constantly stressed about having that much responsibility...I spent alot of time hiding my weaknesses and things that I didn't know...I am still overcome with an incredibly sick feeling when I remember one patient that I almost killed because of my ignorance...and fatigue.
I practiced medicine and quickly gave up hospital work...too stressful.
I became a Mom and retired from medicine...
became super-volunteer...I could handle most projects with ease...
and never let them see me sweat.
Then a professor...I started to express and show vulnerability here. I am willing to say, out loud, if I don't know something and then look it up and report back.
Now in grad school. Trying to be top of my class...again...
getting into research...but this time because it fascinates me...engages my interest...sparks me.
But who am I in all of that?
How do I sift the grain from the straw and end up with pure Maggie?
I was taught, domesticated, early on not to trust my own instincts and judgement...
but I rebelled to a certain extent.
I left an successful career...left the Catholic church...demanded a real relationship in my marriage... disclosed the family secrets...
I am becoming more visible...less of a grey thread.
So how do I know what is authentically Maggie?

Blessings,
Maggie