I am going to start designing a portrait of Wynn Helig, the joyful and earthy momma possum...
It will be spectacular!
It is interesting to me that your ex was steering you to the Mennonite way.
Why do men feel that they have to control us?
It is a fear based reaction...if we control them then they will not leave...
unfortunately many women realize that's what's going on and run as quickly as they can. we women look like the villain because they were only trying to protect us...performing their manly responsibilities.
Do all men fear being abandoned?
Mine clings...he did before the separation and is the same after the reconciliation. we are planning 2 vacations; one to the beach with all of the family and some of their friends, and one for the two of us. He talks about how he is looking forward to spending all of our time together.
I do love being with him, but too much is suffocating.
I need quiet time, alone, to be balanced.
I had a different experience when I decided to leave Catholicism.
I was overly-involved in my church...trying to be super-catholic...hard to imagine, huh?
I was the music director,
I helped with the children's choir,
I was the campus ministry coordinator at the campus that I am now teaching at,
I was enrolled in a 3 year program to become a lay minister (at the beginning of my third year).
There was a problem though...they would not answer my questions.
I always had questions...so many questions.
I was told too many times about Dogma, mystery, Tradition and tradition...and obedience...
obedience...very much like the control that men place upon women.
One of my very good friends, also in the program, pulled me aside and very gently told me that if I couldn't represent the church as it exhists perhaps this was not a calling for me...I didn't belong.
Well, after I settled my ruffled feathers, I agreed with her that I was trying to make the church into something that it could not be...
so I left it all...
I experienced some deeply spiritual moments in the catholic church...
but I knew that I no longer belonged...it was not capable of nourishing me as I needed to grow.
I remember my first Quaker Meeting...we sang a song, Here I am Lord.
It was one of my favorites and I sang it full voiced so that God knew where I was that Sunday.
I have a hard time with heaven and hell...and a God who would banish some and welcome others (purgatory is even more mind boggling!).
I explain to my kids that heaven and hell are states of mind.
If you can see God and its beauty in your surroundings and feel its presence then you are in heaven.
If you cut yourself off from that divine energy, the love and beauty of your surroundings, totally isolated then you experience hell.
It is our choice or predicament, not God's judgement on our actions.
God created us in its image...creativity...we create our own circumstances...we are responsible (consciously or unconsciously) for our own perceptions.
But there is nothing that is done that cannot be undone by a shift in perception...
a paradigm shift...called forgiveness...of ourselves and of others.
We hold ourselves in the dark places...again sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously...
until we allow the Light to penetrate our darkest corners.
The depression I suffer was darkness...it was confusing...like being in a thick fog all of the time...
I couldn't remember what I promised my kids I would do...it was pervasive negative thoughts.
I couldn't remember to smile...to savor life as it came...it was just monotonous darkness.
After a while though that all felt normal and comfortable...until the negative thoughts started to include my children...
That was my wake up call.
Talking about it, admitting that I was suffering opened a window to my soul...
allowing a beam of Light to penetrate.
I could recall what it used to feel like to be sharp and creative and vital. To be fully alive.
The meds help, but talking about the prison in my mind, the abuse, has done far greater things for me.
It is interesting, the synchronicity of events...I began talking to a therapist about my depression about 5 or 6 weeks prior to B#2's suicide attempt. Just enough time to realize and admit that I had a serious problem. After the suicide attempt I was smacked in the face with my need to sort out the abuse and eventually make peace with the past. Alot of my perceived world crumbled, but I realized it was only a facade that I had built to make everything nice, neat, orderly, and acceptable.
The pruning is healthy.
We remove the dead branches and allow the tree to concentrate its energy on the vital, living structures.
But what we do with the dead wood is also important...it can be sanded and polished so that the beauty is released for all to see.
I was once at a retreat. On a break I walked in a small courtyard.
There was a small peach tree growing. I sketched it because it was so poignant.
It had a strong trunk, but there were scars on the bark.
there was evidence of prior pruning, but still had several branches that needed to be cut away.
It was in full blossom, beautiful, delicate pink and white blossoms.
There were many bees attracted to those blossoms...Alot of activity.
At the base of the tree were pits from decayed fruit from the previous season.
Unharvested fruit...probably delicious fruit...but forgotten and left to rot.
But the tree continued to trust its cycle...
blossoms were the expectation of continued growth and life, despite the neglected fruit.
The pits that were left behind had all of the potential to grow into another, equally beautiful and productive tree if only someone would bury it.
That was years ago. I can't believe that I can still remember the details of that moment.
I guess that is my life in a nutshell.
But even the seed/pits we leave behind can either germinate and create new life or rot and return their nutrients and energy to the soil...
it's not within our control...we just have to trust.
There is enough in the abundance of the earth. If we trust.
Have a wonderful day,
Maggie
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