Marco Polo in the Swamp!

Oh, Maggie -

I am trying to decide if I am a coward or not.  I thought I was ready to alert the sibs, but now that you say it, I feel reservations!  What if they get angry?  Well, duh, of course they are going to be angry.  We are disrupting the status quo. 

I found a quote that screamed at me:

"You own everything that happened to you.  Tell your stories.  If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."                                             -Anne Lamott

Of course, I think our family behavior was compulsive, caused by pain.  And our family pattern has promised shadows and secrecy.  We have protected perpetrators by silencing victims for generations.  But...do I wallow in guilt?  A swamp is a great place to wallow.  Am I still a captive of Catholicism?  I feel so guilty, for being so mean.  I remember our childhood and I feel like I was always such a bad person.  We have chosen to go public, and now I am open to public reprimand from my siblings.  Talk about vulnerable.  It is the logical consequence of what we have chosen to do.   Yeah, I can do it.  I am already on the outside.  What worse can happen?  (Not that I'm tempting fate.)

I had one thought.  You and S#3 took the most abuse at the hands of our brothers.  I think perhaps she should be forewarned, and perhaps invited to join us before we include the others.  The benefit is that she can be prepared.  We both know this will be hardest for her - when we consider the other 7.  But I don't want to play politics and manipulate family factions.  Would that be unfair?  Would the others be more hurt?  I have always hated being excluded, I don't want to do that to anyone else.

So I'm dithering.  Ready to be completely disowned?  Decide - tell them all in one fell swoop, or let S#3 know ahead of time...

We will dissolve.  If we reconnect, it will be different.  It will be better.

Voice is an amazing gift.  And you do have a voice that you use effectively.  When you mentioned using voice to navigate the slime, I suddenly remembered playing Marco Polo in the swimming pool.  Remember this game?  We had to find each other, keeping eyes closed, just following voice.  We have been playing Marco Polo in the swamp.  Once the sibs, those who choose to, arrive we will have a bigger game.  Our voices must be loud and strong.  We need to be close - like, could you hold my hand?  That request raised a lot of emotion in me.

I have daydreams of being recognized, of being great.  I think perhaps it is because neither of our parents ever thought we were worth much, and so we are looking for that validation from the bigger world.  But if it's not  within, not seeded within, can there ever be enough recognition?  Who do you want to recognize you?  It's a big question.  I had a taste of it.  When the kids were young, I wrote a column about mothering.  People in our county recognized my name and many commented - we were minor celebrities.  It was fun.  It was fulfilling, mostly because people said they loved my work.  Is that enough?  One person filled me more.  She said something I wrote spoke to her deepest core thought and guilt and fear.  That was more rewarding.  (I wrote a column once that asked, What if I never had children?)

So who do we want to affirm us?  How will the strength that comes from within be supported?

And doing too much...same story, same source...we feel we aren't enough.  We must do more to be acceptable.  Simplicity says...It's enough.  And can I stretch that...it may even say, I'm enough.

Love, Clare