ambivalence

No, I don't think you are a selfish brat.
I think that at times we have to be selfish though, it's called self-care. You need to choose what works best for you and your life.
I was also asked, before the invitations were sent, if I was planning on attending.
I told her, "No, the family isn't talking to me so why would I make everyone uncomfortable?"
I haven't sent my response card yet, thanks for the reminder.
As for the birthday celebration...it is another one of S#5's attempts to create the illusion of family.
My friend calls it "forced family fun".
I used to hate mandatory gatherings with my husband's family...it was all for show when the relatives came to town.
It is unfortunate that we have only an illusory family. But that is our reality.
Why invest the time and energy to travel to get together when no one will even pick up the phone or email a simple, "How are you doing?"
I have heard nothing about B#2 for months. I wonder how he is healing at B#1's house, but of course there is nothing in the weekly BS email from Mom...
because then everyone would know the suicide secret.
Don't tell...remember...above all else don't tell.

I had S#3 and her daughter and grandchildren here last week, they needed refuge.
I reached out to her, she wouldn't have asked for help.
I happened to check in with her for the fist time in months.
And now again silence from her/them.

We do isolate when we are in pain. I do it frequently myself. I try to handle everything myself.
When I do ask for help or even just tell my stories I feel great relief, but I don't learn the lesson.
I need to discard these old ways...to learn new ways to live and cope.
The past is gone...it can't hurt us anymore...unless we continue to allow it to.
By continuing the patterns we are perpetuating the pain.
I suppose it is just mindfully choosing our reactions and responses. Simple, right?
But extremely difficult to maintain.

Today is my 24th anniversary.
I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me is eternally grateful that someone has journeyed this long and far with me...but the other part wonders what life would be like outside of the constraints.
Choices make us give up so much.
I imagine that I am a wild women, running with the wolves, in a parallel universe.
I desperately want to live my life fully,
not having to worry about so many others with every decision...not worrying about being judged for every decision.
Ambivalence...being torn in two or more directions...that is one of the struggles in my psyche.

Time for my walk.
I love you,
Maggie