Barefoot

Remember, Wynn Helig prefers to be barefoot!

I just finished a six mile walk.  I decided that if it's in the village, I should walk.  And the library is about three miles away.  I made the rounds, found out what's going on.  And I feel great.  Yay me!!

I think men try to control us because we have this image of a romantic relationship where a man takes care of a woman, and is there for us, and we cling to them.  We don't have a lot of great relationships to watch, and so we let the movies tell us how it should be.  Or fairy tales, or romance novels - the kind where you have sex, are in pink cloud land, as my oldest has named that feeling of first being in love...and we live happily ever after. They are supposed to take care of us, and we are supposed to be grateful.

I see this with some younger women.  They are drawn to the men who will take care of them.  Then they grow up as we must and are frustrated with the imbalance in the relationship.

But I also think man are as afraid of being abandoned as we are, as afraid of being alone and unnoticed and unworthy of love.

I have Friend-friends, who belong to my meeting.   They have the marriage I would love to have.  They make me believe that marriage can work and feed both people.  They are kind to each other, concerned about each other, and very good friends with each other.  They both have pretty strong opinions, and don;t always agree, but they respect each other's intelligence and right to that opinion.  They are connected.  I can feel it.  Even when they are not together, I can feel the connection.  I had dinner with them one night, and I felt embarrassed, but I told them that I have a crush on their marriage.  He immediately said it was because she was so great.  I said no - she would be different in another marriage.  This marriage was the union of the two of them.  That was a moment of great vulnerability for me, and of delight for them.  And after I spoke, I felt so marvelous.  Vulnerability leads to great rewards - to connection.  the more overwhelming the feeling of vulnerability is the greater reward we get for walking through it.

My ex didn't really cling.  A close friend said he was more like Peter, Peter Pumpkin-Eater.  He put us where he could have access, but didn't really have to do much.  That is the joy of being in a relationship.  The more the codependent takes on, the less they have to do.

When my kids were really needy and clingy, I tried to sit with them, keep them with me, allow them to be clingy.  Once they got their dose of mama-love they were strong enough to not cling.  I wonder what would happen if you just clung together.  It can't last a lifetime.  You'll have other things to do.  I do understand the need to have time alone.  Certain close friends have noticed it.  I take off by myself, sometimes, and am quite content.  I often wondered if it stems from living in a house with eight siblings and parents.  We were rarely alone, and the TV was always on.  That is one of my strong memories of childhood.  the TV was turned on first thing in the morning, and wasn't turned off until the last person went to bed.  That was probably a large part of my reason for not having one.

I decided years ago that heaven was a state of communion/community and that hell was being isolated.  So I agree that it is a state of mind.  And I believe that we can have heaven on earth.  When I defined heaven and hell all those years ago, I never thought about my self-inflicted, protective isolation.  Maybe I have been half alive in a purgatory type place, too numbed to feel the hell I have created, or maybe I numb myself to avoid feeling hell.

That facade, that illusion of being an All-American, happy healthy family is an alcoholic family's greatest tool.  We look okay, the adults say we're okay, the neighbors act like we are okay, so we must be okay.  I must be wrong thinking that we have a problem.  We learn not to trust ourselves or the world or each other.  And that has to make us sad.  You described depression very well, and it's like being wrapped in that thick quilted facade - wrapped so tight we ca';t see, we can't feel, we can barely breathe.

Interrupted by the phone...so I'm off to curry chick peas for dinner...Love to you and yours!!