Toddling

Hi Maggie,

You have my love, my shoulder, my support, my ear...

Two things came to mind as I read your latest post.  First is one really important thing I learned at Al-Anon. You can't change anyone else. You can only change yourself.

But the magic is that as you change, the relationship changes, the other person is likely to change...although that is not your goal.

But look at what he is doing for you. You are reaching out to connect with other people. You are creating your support group, your family - you are collecting and connecting with your people. At least some of us...and that is a gift for people like us who prefer to appear strong, and hide as much as possible.

The other thing that comes to mind is toddlers.  It started with a friend of one of my kids. She asked why her kids were always so crazy when they got home.  She left them with other people who thought they were angels.

It came to me that mama is the safe place.  When kids are out and about, under the care of others, they know they are not the recipient of unconditional love. That comes from mama.  So when they get home all that stress of being "on" all day long crashes, and they can let the stress go - loudly.  They are "bad" for mama because she is the safe place.

I think you are your young man's safe place.  Yay!  But on top of that, you have a whole heaping helping of him trying to prove he is not good enough. He, on some level, wants to be rejected again, to prove that that is all he is worth. So you have the hardest position in this whole game!

I am the strange one in the family - but I wonder if you could have someone come and clear your house. I know people who do that kind of work here. It could help support what is going on, on a spiritual level. It is not good that you feel so stressed in your own home. In a way, it means that you do not have a home. You do not have a safe place in this world. Not good. My guess is that your reiki practitioner would have some leads...

And yes, you do make sure he eats. You provide healthy foods.  You do oversee sleeping and hygiene and homework...maybe ask him what kind of reminders he needs.  But you also have to let him fall on his face if he doesn't follow through - except on the meds. That is too important...

You two have to figure out how to meet in the middle. You have to figure out where the middle is. The rest of us have no idea.  We are just waiting for you pioneers to go first.

I am still curious - what stuff did he lose?

I just sent a pitch query email to the magazine I mentioned a few days ago. My adrenaline is pumping. I am frightened and exhilarated...

Love and hugs from Clare