I was in a situation where I had to walk on eggshells. It was all deja-vu-ish in my brain. Then I got it...it was Dad. We always monitored Dad's moods when we were little. I remember listening for the weight and cadence of his footsteps. A certain walk meant he was going to be mean. I found lots of ways to avoid drawing his attention. Life was safer without it.
So what happens after we learn that we are better off without attention? What happens when we learn to make ourselves small and quiet...and as invisible as possible?
It is safer there...
Then, thinking about your young man, what happens when someone notices you. Not only notices you, but is kind, and who sees your value.
Excruciating.
Clare,
This describes how I feel in my house right now…
you've nailed it perfectly.
I walk around on egg shells…
listening for cues of a pending explosion.
I am, once again, hypervigilant.
The only difference is that now I stand up and get hit with the full force of the anger, rather than hiding from it.
Sometimes I provoke it…
unintentionally…
or maybe sometimes I am trying to break through using the anger…
eventually his wall has to come down.
The wall has to be dismantled…
but, mine came down on small piece at a time. First just enough to let some light inside. Then the pieces got bigger and more significant. Now, this young man is giving me ample opportunities to drop my defenses. Sometimes I am up for it, and sometimes I'm not.
I am trying to understand this from Papa's perspective…
because I believe this is a breakthrough that is hatching.
Perhaps his being noticed by children was excruciating. Perhaps their expectations of him- guidance, nurturing, attention, affection, love- was overwhelming to him. He could receive kudos for leading men sternly as a drill sergeant. He could receive recognition for being injured. He could not receive the attention of a child- innocence.
I'm getting a strong sense that he went to war in hopes that he would die.
Wow that's a strong statement…
but it's in my head and heart.
I'm having an impression that, because he never really knew tenderness and affection he didn't have the well to draw love and positive energy from. He only knew negative attention- or rejection.
Perhaps he really did want to do better than his parents and family did. Perhaps rejection along with less physical and emotional abuse was a step forward. Perhaps he did his best, under the circumstances.
Where does that leave me…
reliving this scenario with an explosive male?
I am critical of him many times…
is this exacting a revenge on Papa?
I am trying to mold and nurture him…
but he perceives everything as criticism at this moment.
I don't trust my responses to him any more…
I am becoming reactive rather than responsive.
I am becoming more and more like Papa D.
It's funny, in your last post you wrote about attention and the negative aspects when it came from Papa. I, too, was ridiculed for being smart with no common sense. But, as I got older in high school, he eventually began to notice me. He actually said he loved me once- spontaneously.
It's funny, I say it daily to my own family, multiple times, without a second thought.
But, I can still remember that one "I love you" coming out of his mouth.
I asked Mama to have him say "I'm proud of you" at my med school graduation…
he did, which was nice…
but I knew it was my prompting that did it…
so it wasn't valuable to me.
Actually the value was the lesson to myself that I would go to great lengths just to get a positive comment from his mouth.
I'm screwing this relationship up…
between the young man and myself…
because of my past experiences with Papa.
OMG…
the universe is telling me that I had the opportunity to go and learn this lesson with Papa…
which I've procrastinated doing…
and now it's brought the lesson into my own home!
Holy shit.
I cannot escape this lesson.
"Tear down this wall"
Excruciating…
terrifying…
opportunity.
The wall needs to be dismantled with attention, loving kindness, and tenderness.
Thanks for the insight.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
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