Ok, so if we are going to open up this subject, I will take this opportunity to have my bitch session...
I was blessed enough to be in the right place at the right time to get into college...
I was sitting in Physics class, my senior year, the guidance counselor walked in and said to me, "you want to go to med school, right?"
I was taken to a meeting with a rep from Gannon who basically applied for me.
3 days later he called and told me I was in...
I replied, "great, but I have no money"...
the next day he called and said it was taken care of...
I went to college, sight unseen.
I had never been to that city before.
Our parents didn't bother taking me there to preview it...it was only 90 minutes from our house.
In fact, they didn't even take me to school...
B#4 took me, along with my boyfriend.
Dad would tell me not to come home for weekends unless I had a ride both ways.
I remember asking a friend's parents if they would take me back to school, even though their daughter went to school 20 miles south of the city.
Sadly to say, I was able to ask other people to help, but not our parents.
And the money thing...I paid for every cent of college and med school that wasn't covered by scholarship. Dad was "reluctant" to fill out any financial aid forms to help in the process.
I worked the overnight shift at McDonalds for years...walking to the store at 10:30 for my shift.
A friend was raped on her way to work one night...it just was not safe...but I did it.
When it was time for me to graduate from college...
they went to your house that weekend because you had their first grandchildren and it was Mother's Day...
When I graduated from med school Mom asked what gift I wanted.
I told her that the only thing that I wanted was for Dad to say he was proud of me...
He did tell me that...but I always wondered if he would have if I hadn't asked for it.
All of this was acceptable to me.
I didn't question or resent it until S#5 went to the same college and they drove her and supported her financially...and she was instructed not to tell me about their assistance.
They knew they were being unfair, but it was OK because it was a secret.
Secrets make everything acceptable in our family...
Well, secretly all of this still makes me incredibly angry and resentful...
Thank God I had a wonderfully supportive boyfriend during that time. Sadly, we parted ways during med school, but his support during that time sustained me in ways that I didn't even understand.
I also had an incredible mentor who taught me that it is OK to say that you need help...not to hide weakness. She told me about her process of getting into college which paved the way for mine.
And I had you...you have supported me at various times throughout the process...
Do you remember when I finished finals for my first year of med school? You and your family came into the city and we went for dinner in Chinatown. Your kids were small, and son#1 crawled under the table and grabbed the waiter's ankles, frightening him. Your daughter dropped the small fruit kabob into her tall glss of orange juice and stuck her hand and wrist into the glass, spilling juice out of the glass. That was fantstic! And then second year when you had son#2 and I came out to experience that with you and your family...
Resilience comes from having at least one person in your life recognize and reflect your worth back to you. Thanks for being one of those mirrors in my life.
Eternal thanks,
Maggie
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