Still thinking about your dream. It's hard to manipulate someone else's images. We are burying something phallic, but B#4 still has his tool...just saying!
Racial/ethnic slurs streamed from the mouth of most men on that side of the family. Just reinforcing their WASPiness, I guess - making sure the world knew. Pop had a mouth, but it must have mellowed with age. I was glad to see your account of his last years. I lived so far away and was so caught up in life with little kids, I wasn't too involved.
I do remember the 50th Anniversary, among other celebrations. Kids were kept out more to placate Grandma's family. And everyone always made a point of ostracizing the twins, because, you know they just weren't normal! And because the twins weren't allowed in, the boys were not allowed in. And because the boys were not allowed in, the little kids were all kept out, so the party could be nice. I remember the aunts being adamant about the No Kids, and the others feeling uncomfortable, but unwilling to rock the boat. Strong women in that family, yet not...paradox, here. Maybe - strong will as far as creating and maintaining the family facade...hmmmm, maybe that's it...That was what Grandma did...What a misuse of strength!
I remember the first time I saw a family accept a special needs child. I was astounded by their kindness. And it just seemed right. It made me happy, secure. In our family, I remember trying to reason with their older sister about the way that family treated those two boys. She said I could not understand her humiliation because my brothers were all normal. There was such cruelty in that family. A tiptoe through that family will be hard...but we should do it. They displayed some of the worst dysfunction. And I'm pretty sure it spilled onto us.
And yes, we did hide who we were when Grandma and Pop were around. Grandma was a worrier, and they were both very judgmental. So we all pretended to be what they wanted us to be. It's the same as the story of their marriage. Pop presented himself as a clean, Christian boy and Grandma did not accept him when she found the alcoholic wild-boy. She forced him to be what he said he was. So he was basically a dry drunk all of his adult life.
I didn't know the parts about hoarding meds, wanting to die. What struck me, though, was your comment that they were all afraid to let him die. Why afraid, I wonder. It is wonderful that you were able to be there, be strong, create the document.
I wonder about the roots of violence on that side. Looking at the pictures, I see Pop's mother was a large, very stern Irish woman. I was shocked when I saw that the recognizable nose the men all have came from her! What had she been through? Someone told me that the Irish immigrants were treated like dogs at the time she lived. And I remember Dad telling stories that showed he was afraid of Grandma's father. He must have had a strong, stern personality, too.
I remember Grandma telling the story of how they came to live in the house on the hill. After marriage, she and Pop had a farm. They both said they were very happy there. Then her mother died, and the family needed someone to move in and take care of her dad. Her older siblings simply showed up and moved Grandma and Pop and all their kids into the house. I always sensed their shock that this had happened, and that loss of freedom/free will changed them. It also indicated the level of obedience necessary to survive in Grandma's family.
I do sometimes wonder why all the others in her family were relatively wealthy, but Grandma never was. I have never heard any explanations, or even any other curiosity...
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