Remembered Dreams

I think dreams must be our gifts.

I remember dreaming, maybe a decade ago, that I was at a cocktail party.  It was crowded.  And I noticed there was a toddler, walking among all those knees.  No one seemed to know who she belonged to.  So I picked her up - and it was me.  Part of me had been lost among the knees for decades.  I remember hugging that baby-self and crying.

I remember listening to a Melody Beatty meditation tape, back in that time period when I was in Al Anon.  She guided us to a beautiful sleeping baby, and washed us in love for the baby, then said with a joyful voice,"The baby is you."  and I lost it.  I started sobbing. 

We know we are missing parts of ourselves.  There are more me's to be rediscovered.  I don't know where to look, and so I wait for the gift that leads me.

I have mentioned my house dreams.  They are ongoing, I have had them for all of my adult life, if not all of my life.  They always start the same, I always end up in terror in the dark.  But they have begun to change.  The scary thing is nailed inside a shipping crate, and the room is now light.  The shipping crate has become smaller and the house is now closer - it is in the field next to my waking-time house.  During the last dream, there was a new door into the room with the box and there is a beautiful blue tiled fireplace.  There is potential to burn it.

Is it better to burn the box, or to open it?  Now that it has lost its power, can I handle knowing what it is?  Would I survive knowing what happened?  Something happened that drove me out of my body.  Would reexperiencing the pain now kill me, or make me flee - escape life even more than I do, or do I have the strength and compassion to know I will survive and to comfort the wounded child?  I KNOW I have to feel the pain, the terror again, because that is the only way to release it.  But I am bigger now, and I have been through a lot more pain.  And maybe by feeling and releasing the pain, I can be free.

I want to be free. I want to feel alive.  I want to delight in the beauty of this Earth and know I am part of that - no holds barred.

I just don't know if I can...

Question for you little sister:  Can you cry?  How often do you cry?