lessons...softening

Clare,

Today is my day for reality checks I guess.
Yes, my body is crying out for rest and self-care.
I saw a psychiatrist today...
the one I was taking my youngest to see...
she's decided to focus her energies on me...
of which I am appreciative.
She listened, probed with questions- gently.
I had some Ah Ha moments...
she told me to shift me perception of my youngest's success/failure...
it is not under my control.
I explained that by not wanting my kids to ever feel what rejection or apathy towards a person feels like...
or disdain...
which stems from growing up with Papa D...
and Mama D...
Anyway...
by trying to unconditionally love him through this garbage I am allowing him to exploit and manipulate.
I was telling the story of being afraid and unloved in our family home...
and I had a clear sense, visceral of terror and sadness...
I told the story of Papa 'punishing' B#3 by beating the shit out of him.
I explained that I was literally afraid that if the parents knew we were being molested we would all be killed...
literally.
I started to tear-up and sense that dread-filled feeling.
I don't have full recollection of that incident...
I don't know if I remember it because of stories that have been told...
but today a real sense of fear and dread rose up as I was telling about it.
All I could say was, "I thought I'd dealt with all of that long ago."
Back on the spiral staircase.

I did have two realizations today.
First- My youngest is triggering me like Papa...
he gets angry...
I shut down.
When I react he becomes destructive.

Second- Our parents didn't care what happened to us...and I pushed myself to success (at least in a public sense). I care deeply what happens to my children...and my young men are afraid to try.
Is the lesson that being too comfortable/protected impedes growth and progress?
The psychiatrist seems to expect some type of crisis with my youngest...perhaps to precipitate a change.

Friday I am going to Kripalu for my birthday. I am spending the weekend in learning sessions with the psychiatrist who wrote the book, The Body Never Forgets....
It is an approach through the body to the mind and soul to heal trauma. The program I'm putting together with friends for trauma healing is based partially on his work. I really respect his ideas , empathy, and approach.
His co-presenter is a therapist who is also a singer-songwriter...she is doing an extra session on expression through song.
I'm experiencing a softening just before going away.  I was also reading my journals and found recurrent lyrics to a song I've been trying to write for years...
about inspiration...
Perhaps this will allow an opening of some sort.
The weekend will be filled with yoga, meditation, organic food, and meeting new people. I am going with my friend. What a wonderful gift- to me.
I will not be taking my computer...
so I will be AWOL until Sunday night or Monday.

Love and Light beautiful sister...
Maggie