understanding/confusion

I apologize for having 'sisters weekends' without you. I feel very badly for excluding you from these activities. I am just as thoughtless as the everyone else.

After my angry rant here yesterday, Mom called.
Of course it was while I was in class...so I called her after class, about 9 to see what she had to say.
She spoke in superficialities...
asking about everyone, the husband and the kids.
She asked if my husband and I were still working with a marital counselor...
I replied, "no, but I am working with a wise and wonderful counselor who is helping me through our family issues"...
no response...awkward silence...then more small talk.
She asked if I knew B#4 had a new girlfriend...I said, "Well Mom, no one has communicated with me since my letter, so I really don't know what's going on"
no response...awkward silence...
"Well look at Facebook", she said.
More small talk and then,"Are you going to the summer wedding?"
"Well  Mom, as I said before, no one is communicating with me, so I don't think I will show up and spoil the party".
No response...
She ended with; "So call me when you can talk...I never know your schedule".

I came home...sent my kids to bed...poured a glass of wine...and cried it out to my husband.
Crying, cursing, understanding, confused, telling stories that I have learned from you and how they impact me/us...it was good and difficult.

I will call her...
and I will simply say that I love her, but I refuse to be pulled back into the silence of the family secrets...
no bullshit, superficial nonsense...
I want to talk...I want to know her...
I want her to tell me about her memories, from her childhood, from my childhood...anything and everything...
but I refuse to accept superficial.
Call me when you are ready.

One final note;
My daughter #1 is leaving for Italy today for 6 weeks of international study...
She is exhilerated and terrified simultaneously.
As I laid down to sleep last night, knowing that she was not sleeping, I had to walk over to her room to tell her this;
There have been many times in my life that I have had to face fear and walk outside of my comfort zone.I have never regretted it for a minute. Don't ever let fear paralyze you.
Hold her in the Light as she travels and explores, please.

I love you,
I am truely sorry for the hurts I have inflicted upon you...
Maggie