Family dynamics...

 
Interesting question, very interesting.  Why did Pop obey, or cooperate, if he hated Grandma so much.  Maybe they really loved and respected each other, but were both afraid to be vulnerable.  Or maybe I am being a little romantic.  Maybe she had something to hold over his head.  Publicly, it is my impression, they were respected in the village.  They were very involved with the church, and so they had an image to protect.  But, good question!

I noticed I have a nervous laugh that I use to cover.  Then I noticed it in one of the little sisters, as well as our youngest brother.  I realized it was a family characteristic.  We laugh easily, but not authentically.

Okay, so what do I remember of our cousins...You are right.  I was always close to the sister.  She was about 4 years older than me, but there were so few girls in the family, that we made do.  I spent time with her from the time that I was about 10.  I went to their house for a week or two in the summer for three or four years.  I liked it because the parents treated me like I was special.  The kids liked it because Aunt H. behaved nicely in the presence of company,

 Mom told me once that Aunt H. both thought and hoped that had been adopted.  Her mother was so terribly abusive.  And we see the same old story, she got pregnant and married young to escape abuse, then created her own abusive family.  She dieted a lot, and I am under the impression that she screwed up her electrolytes by using one of those protein shake diets in the 70s.  That led to her death.  She was into getting her hair done, collecting pennies and wearing pearls.  And she was terribly abusive to her kids.  As soon as her daughter was old enough, the girl was responsible for all housecleaning.  Aunt H. cooked, and that was about it.  Her daughter did all the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, then cleaned everything else.  Once her mom found an unclean plate, got a belt, got her daughter out of bed, and stood there with the belt and made the girl wash every single dish in the house.  She was brutal.  The boys were not allowed in the house during the day.  She sent them out and let them know they were not welcome home until dinner. She did that at our house once, and the brothers were shocked and uncooperative.   After dinner, each of them had to tell her it was very good and thank her.  They were forced to go to bed while it was still light out, when the rest of the neighborhood kids were still outside playing - this was when they were older - into their early teens.  I think their mom just wanted them out of her hair.

I remember once, the oldest two kids and I talked late into the night about the cruelty in the family - pretty much all stories about their mom.  I understood, but I could not get them to understand how cruel they were to the twins. 

The oldest was good natured and sweet tempered, but he did order the younger boys around.  You could see that no one accepted any foolishness.  The twins were older than the last boy who was one year older than me.  But the youngest also ordered the twins around.

Suspecting what I suspect of father on son sexual abuse, I have a feeling that I understand the roots of the contempt the kids had for each other.  They were rude and mean to each other - worse than us!

But the girl, I don't know what to think.  I saw her father kiss her goodbye before going to work.  It shocked me, because it was so practiced, so marital.  My eyes almost popped out of my face.  After her dad left, she challenged me,  "Don't you ever kiss your dad?"  My response was,  "Not like that."  Rumor had it that she found young women for her dad to sleep with.  But that sounds too wild to be true.  The source may have been the neighbor girl who eventually married the  gay/bi (?) brother.  She was gay also.

But family rumor also has it that Uncle made a pass at S#4 and that B#3 was ready to go after him.  Threats were made.

They were so screwed up.  And the twins were developmentally delayed, but friendly, easy-going, just wanting desperately to please and to be liked.  But everyone in the family was constantly disgusted with them. Everyone was sharp and curt and cruel from the father down to their younger brother.

I know the boys played sexual games.  At what age?  I don't know.  But I used to think that the older cousins took advantage of the younger cousins at an elementary age, the younger being our brothers.  I don't remember my reasons for my suspicions, but I still think it happened. I think it happened in Lebanon, which may have triggered the abuse that started at the Gap. So B#4 probably didn't totally escape the family legacy, he was just older when hurt.  And they definitely interacted, sexually, during camping trips when all were just into their teens.

Their youngest brother did sexually attack our brother-in-law, absolutely freaking him out.  The wedding couple kicked the cousin  out of the wedding party - he was supposed to be an usher.  At the wedding, he said quietly to me,  "I don't know why they would not let me be in the wedding."  I commented that it was not good form to sexually assault the groom. He grinned, walked away, nothing more was ever said.

I think the only grandchild in that family was the daughter's daughter.  The twins may have had children, but they got as far away as possible and never came back.  I don't blame them.  But, I remember when the baby was born.  She was an infant, she was crying.  Her mom said, "I don't answer her  when she cries.  I pick her up when I want to.  And I don't feed her unless it's time.  I don't want her to think she is in charge." Oh, and I was shocked because she refused to give the infant a bottle.  She hated the sucking sound.  She fed her daughter formula out of a glass.  Talk about torture starting right at birth.  And Aunt H. was so proud of her granddaughter's advanced development - she could drink out of a glass at such a young age!

I didn't see them often, but I remember we were all at Mom's once.  The daughter was in the 8 - 10 year old range.  Everything was fine, when suddenly our cousin ordered her daughter into the bathroom.  We could hear her hitting her daughter.  Afterwards I quietly commented that she didn't do anything wrong.  Our cousin told me that I had good kids, so how would I know.  So we had poor Aunt H., terribly abused by her mother, victim forever, followed by her daughter who was also a seriously damaged victim.  Neither could see that they were as nauseatingly abusive as their mothers.

Something struck me, both with the spanking in the bathroom episode and with the rude, cruel way Dad treated Grammy's best friend who 'adopted' us after Grammy died.  When someone was bullying, the rest of us became silent.  We fold our hands politely and cast our eyes down.  After the abuse has stopped, we continue the conversation as if nothing happened.  It was such normal behavior, that it took me awhile to identify it.  Now I see it in myself sometimes, but also in the general public.  It is so hard to speak up and say Stop!  We all talk about that poor little girl and her nasty mama, but we are to blame too.  We didn't stand up for her.  Just like no one told me to stop when I was calling my younger siblings awful names.

One last thought...our cousin's funeral, after he died of ALS, was beautiful.  A letter he wrote to us was read, and it was like he was there.  He had planned the service, and it was so him.  It was touching and real.