Big girls don't cry...

I desperately wish that I could cry.
I rarely cry...It is so strange, but I always felt it was a sign of weakness.
Even when I will myself to cry, I can't.

I cried when I had to leave my newborn at the hospital, in the NICU.

I cried at the funeral of  my 19 year old nephew.
Some of my most amazing moments have been accessed through tears. I was bathed in Light and Love as I sang through those tears at his funeral. It was a transforming, spiritual moment for me.

I cried when I talked about my abuse with my mother about 6 years ago. I felt so much lighter than I ever had.

I cried for a week after I sent my recent email to our family...writing detailed memories of my childhood experience of abuse.

There are noteable times that I have not cried, times that made me wonder if I was truely human...like the time that I broke up with my first love,
or more recently when I asked my husband to leave,
and then when I asked him to come back into my life.
I cut myself off from my emotions...I lose empathy.

I would never willingly hurt any creature...but I have deeply, emotionally hurt people I loved.
It's all about the lack of trust in my life. I have a void where trust should be.

As for your dream...God will open the box when you are ready...you are getting close...expectantly wait for it to happen. Perhaps you are meant to confront the contents and then burn them???

My dreams are also telling...my house dreams always include my first love..
I have had deja vu dreams that have truely guided my decisions.

The dream that has stayed with me for the longest though is my war dream.
I first had it when Dad was in Viet Nam...all of our siblings (including us) are gathered at the top of the stairway in our house on Center street. One by one, I watch each of you run down the stairs towards the front door...I know that if you get beyond the door you are free. But one by one each of you is shot before you can make it out. I have always gone last. I have never stayed with it long enough to know if I make it out alive.
Maggie