Your last post inspired lots of random, seemingly unconnected thoughts. Let's see where we end up now...I think I have a theme, but it hasn't quite revealed itself yet.
What is the other side of not asking for forgiveness? To offer it. I had two thoughts. One, I forgive you all - including Mom and Dad. Logically I'm there. As soon as I realized the boys had been abused, I let it all go. Everything changed inside of me. Understanding that our parents had been through something similar - I am close to cracking, to thawing maybe. Emotionally, I am so close...maybe there. The other - forgive myself. Having a hard time with that, but bear with me.
I went to Catholic school. I don't know if you remember kneeling, pounding our chests, reciting Mea culpa. It's all my fault - at age 7. I started thinking about being the victim/martyr, this role laid on us at home and in church. I drifted into that role early, because in our family one was bully or victim. I preferred victim. My marriage ended after 16 years, and my ex and I remain fairly friendly. He told me once, after the marriage was over and the dust had settled, that I could be quite the martyr. I had been through Al Anon at the point, so I laughed and agreed with him. I christened myself St. Clare of the Kitchen Sink. I admitted I could be awful. People had filled me with compliments of my strength and endurance which perpetuated my martyrhood. I ate that up!
We don't do anything without reward or pleasure, or at least relief of pressure and pain. Your last post slammed me with an important question. What is feeding me, rewarding me...what is pleasurable about blaming myself? Why am I holding onto this so tightly? Why do I identify myself by every rude thing I have ever said, every harmful action I have ever committed? It's feeding me somehow, allowing me to avoid something. This is big, and you led me right into it. Thank you!! I feel like I can breathe, but I definitely don't have the answer yet.
I have a friend who - well, he says a lot of amazingly true things - but two of them pertain. First, if we ignore Spirit, we will get hit along-side the head with a (spiritual) 2x4. If we ignore that whack, Spirit come back with something bigger. That is what we are going through as family. We just had our second suicide attempt. Those are screams for help, and someone in the family has to answer. The second bit of wisdom from this particular friend is the concept of chosen family. We need someone in our life, and if there is no family, we find chosen family. I think that is part of the answer to your concern: Who is my family? I have non-bio kids whom I treasure. One of my friends has kids who are more like cousins to my kids that some bio-cousins. But...
Why do we want each other? Ask yourself - What do you want for your kids? I may not have been the best mom. My kids struggle, and bicker and get lost. But under it all, they are good friends. They have each other. When my youngest son had that terrifying car accident, his sibs were there. They were taking care of each other, and available for their brother. They are part of each other's daily life - they care. Their brother on the west coast is a bit outside of the community, and they miss him desperately - although they are all rotten about answering their phones! (Interesting tangent, I'll go back on my own time!) The same when we heard that our brother was in the hospital after a very valiant suicide attempt. We rallied. We pulled together. It was an amazing moment to discover that we are all here. We can find each other. But now that the drama has passed, we are sinking back into our solitude. We can't take much more intimacy than the response to drama. This is alcoholic family dynamics - we are most comfortable, most alive when we have a drama.
Under it all, we love each other. We just have a distorted view of love because of our upbringing. And we have no idea of what to do with the love.
During the crisis, everyone was inviting open communication. Everyone came as far as they could. It doesn't mean this work you and I are doing is not in their hearts. But we can each only go so far. It is so hard to walk through the pain. But it's the only way out of Hell. We will each find our courage at our own time, and walk. Or we will die isolated, wondering why we are not loveable. We can't demand family. We can only take what's available, and not expect more from that source. For the time being it might be annual group pictures. It might be all we can do.
What am I looking for by writing this? I am looking for my soul - all those lost pieces of myself. I want to live again...okay, the emotions are beginning to flood. After I write, I will be in the garden. I function best in contact with the Earth. And then, I am looking for you, because I know you are close. And then I will wait in the Light for the others I love. I have found, in my short life, that the best way to lead is to go. Others will see that it is doable, and will follow. I saw that with homebirthing, with homeschooling...Someone has to go first, so let's go. It's more fun with two of us. And we're a lot more likely to find each other in the mess if we are calling out to each other.
Instead of an orphan, be an adult. That is a stronger way of being without parents, of not needing your family to provide you truth and sense. As an adult, one gets to do whatever one is willing to take responsibility for - no permission, no apologies, no explanation!
I do fantasize about being able to share memories - all nine of us - in a calm, rational, forgiving way....but.....
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