Opening a box

Yes,
I think it is important to hear the stories. I don't remember them like you do. Something deep inside of me recognizes that what you are saying is truth, but I don't have full recollection. They help me to understand. I do remember the 'games' at Gap...I always wonder, in the back of my head if there was a grown-up nearby directing those 'games'...it's just a feeling that I have.

I find it amazing that we were geographically placed into neighborhoods that normalized this. I am sure that it's not on the 'realtor's list' when describing a home to a potential buyer...how were we drawn, repeatedly, to these situations? Are they just that prevalent? Or did we have 'radar' and settle where we felt comfortable?

My favorite fairy tale has always been Cinderella...I wanted to get away from the oppression and make a success of myself. It is funny how we resonate with certain stories.

I had a long talk yesterday with my trusted, wise friend.
We were trying to understand why I can't recognize the miracle that I am.
I see the divine in all beings...even the insects, animals, everything...except myself.
We finally hit upon something very powerful and profound...

I have never forgiven myself for all of the abuse.

This brought me to tears, so I know it is true.
I am not saying that I was responsible for the abuse.
I am saying that I went along with brothers (and others) knowing what would happen.
I wasn't forced or abducted.
For some reason the abuse/attention filled a void (black hole) that was too prevalent in my life.

I have held a part of myself in an isolated, shame-filled prison for over 40 years because,
somewhere deep inside me, I believed that I should have/could have made it stop.
I always had the power to stop it, just like Dorothy always had the power to go back to Kansas...
it took until I was 10 years old to make the abuse stop...
and I have continually held that part of me in prison for all of these years.

I went home and cried...and invited/begged that isolated, shame-filled girl to come back to me.
I am crying now.
I have been more of an oppressor to myself than anyone else in my life.
This is where that ends; 40 years after making the abuse stop, I will stop abusing myself.

I am a miracle...as we all are.
I am worthy of love and admiration...just because I am made in God's image.
I am enough...
Maggie