Dis-ease...not disease

No, Clare you do not have a personality disorder...
you have adeptly adopted adaptations and protections in your thoughts and habits that were established as a result of chronic stress and trauma.
Personality disorders are patterns of behaviors that are markedly different than the expected 'cultural' norms...people with them don't conceal them.
We try desperately to fit in...
to appear normal...
we are normal...in fact we are super-normal...we just have alot of shit buried.
I am not trying to diagnose... just simply shed some Light.

What did we lose?
The Legacy of Lost Potential...
I remember getting very involved in school activities...
newspaper, yearbook, chorus, plays, special small singing groups, singing solos at every concert-having those broadcast on the radio, swim meets...

Mom came to some of these, but Dad only came once...
Oklahoma in my senior year, only because he could bring his parents to see it and show off...
he was still trying to win their approval.

As I was about to start 9th grade...
ready to be editor of the newspaper and yearbook...
they announced, We're moving!....
I had to turn down the positions...we didn't move.

As I was about to start my senior year...
ready to be editor of the yearbook and president of several clubs...
they announced, We're moving!...and we did.

When I asked Mom,
Why now, when I have so much that I have worked for?
She told me that I was the strongest and I could handle leaving in my senior year the best.
I lost stability.
I lost that sense of extended belonging to anything, except the family.
(One of the techniques of coersion for abuse is isolation)
I lost the sense of pride in my accomplishments. I never believe the compliments people give me.

One thing I didn't lose was the ability to think for myself and choose to move out of the family norms...
I chose to be educated...
even though, as I was preparing to go to college in the accelerated pre-med/med school program, Mom sat me down and told me to be practical and be a nurse.
At least I didn't get the "education is a waste for women, just get married" speech that the younger sisters 3 &4 got...
I remember telling Mom that I couldn't be a nurse because I had to give the orders, not take them from someone else. I was led by the need to gain power and control.

I didn't lose my ability to listen to the small whispers in my heart...guiding me to my best potential...
the small whisper that told me to say no to the sexual abuse
the small whisper that told me to work hard and have goals
the small whisper that told me to reach out to you, Clare...on that First Day...when My heart broke open in Meeting

So, Clare...even though this feels like disease...it is more accurately labeled dis-ease...

Remember that all that we are experiencing is our psyche's adaptations and protections.
It all will be processed and re-examined in a different Light.

This will take time, don't try to move ahead into multiple stages of processing and healing.

Start with safety, healthy coping skills and finding self-worth.

The memories are coming, they will be there when we are ready to process them.
The first step to healing is awareness...and we are aware...

love,
Maggie