CPTSD...it's us

Dear Halig Wynn,

No part of us died in the abuse...
we just hid our most sensitive, central parts...
we preserved them...
we disconnected...
to hopefully be able to find them and reunite at a later time...
a safer time...
the time is NOW...
that is the frozen, bloody form that you found...
remember, her eyes are open...the window to the soul are still open...
The time to reunite ourselves is now.

I read a book about the clash of the Hmong culture with the American culture...it was fascinating.
The Hmong believe that at death the soul revisits all of the past homes to gather the pieces it left behind...
I want to gather those before I die.
That's what this journey is about...reclaiming all of the bits and pieces of my soul that I left behind.
Your writing reminded me of the lyrics to one of my songs...
The Missing Piece/Peace...
"If the request is to abandon it all,
have I the courage to answer that call?
so afraid to give all that I know"...

you are right...
we were broken into pieces early in this lifetime...
I have to realize that "giving up all that I know" means leaving behind the beliefs, norms, practices of our illusional family...
I believed it was true and good...I truely bought into that notion...
but the family was broken...long ago...
despite that they did the best that they could within their brokenness...
and I do love them and accept that.

I am writing a paper for my trauma course...Human Trafficking...
it is an enormously difficult task for me to read and try to comprehend such suffering in the name of making money and providing "pleasure" to others.
In the midst of that struggle I came upon a diagnosis that I had never heard before...
it's not even in the official book of mental health diagnoses...
Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder...
it is us...
it describes our family...
impaired emotional regulation-outbursts or flat affect,
substance abuse or self harm to control emotions,
amnesias and memory lapses,
dissociation (hiding part of ourseleves away),
guilt/shame/responsibility,
taking on the beliefs of the perpetrator,
poor interpersonal relationships-lack of trust and intimacy,
somatization- multiple medical problems,
despair, hopelessness, helplessness.
This list is in addition to the hypervigilance, re-living trauma through flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms.
I know that I need to heal and not diagnose, but this discovery is synchronicity at work.

(If you want to read about it in an journal article by Judith Herman; Complex PTSD: A Syndrome in Survivors of Prolonged and Repeated Trauma, Journal of Traumatic Stress, 5/3, 1992. or a more recent article by Christine Courtois; Complex trauma, Complex Reactions: Assessment and Treatment, Psychotherapy: Theory, Practice, Research, Training, 41/4, 2004.)

I can't remember that cousin M died...that is so weird. I read it and asked myself, do I have more than 2 cousin M's?

Who am I? I looked myself, in the eyes, this morning in the mirror, and I said,
"I love you, I forgive you, You are worthy"
I felt foolish and tried to avert my eyes...
but I forced myself to hold focus on my own eyes.
It was a good feeling after the initial discomfort faded away.

Once, several years ago at a retreat, I looked into the mirror and I saw warm, golden Light shining from my eyes, from the pupils...the Light was coming from within...even now I am deeply moved to tell you that story.
I am part of the collective, universal soul...that's who I truely am.

Maggie