Which version of Cinderella do you like?

I have a really important question for you.  Which version of Cinderella do you like best - the one where she kills her awful sisters, the one where the sisters are humiliated, or the one where she accepts them, even though they don't deserve it?  This is important information for a sibling.  You know?

Your moment was powerful.  And now may be the time to be logical.  Psychologically, what stage of development were you at when the abuse probably began, and again when you knew the abuse began.  How does a child react to authority figures at that age?  And again, how does a neglected child react to attention?

I had a glowingly beautiful friend die of ovarian cancer at age 35.  Just before her death, she told her mother that the mom's best friend's husband molested her in her early teens.  It was her fault because she was sexy and beautiful.  Her abuser convinced her it was her fault.  But then there's the added part that lets a female know we are special, because some male has singled us out for attention.  We all want attention - we just want someone to notice us.  We want someone dear to witness our lives.

Add to that the Catholic guilt, especially strong in our home, girls are bad.  Girls are temptresses put here to draw men away from salvation and doing God's work.  I just noticed I classified us as girls and men.  Telling, isn't it.

You can't remember the first time you were abused.  Some sort of coercion was used to force your participation - it had to be emotional/psychological or physical.  Once it happens the first time, you are dirty and bad and lost - there's a strong pull to feel that way.  How can a 6 year old have the psychological strength to tell the big boys to stop.  You can't tell Mom.  Either she won't believe you, or she will blame you.  Where can you go?

"I am more of an oppressor to myself than anyone else in my life."  Profound.  That is the whole core of abuse.  We are so ashamed, we feel unworthy of asking for help.  And so we bear.

I was involved with Reevaluation Counseling for awhile.  It is a peer therapy, focused talking and listening.  It led to some amazing breakthoughs.  There is a session where the listener began by telling me that the universe is perfect.  The solar system, the planets, the Earth, everything on the Earth, down through the plants and the smallest organisms.  I agreed with all of her statements.  Then she hit me with, and you are part of this.  You are just as perfect as the rest of creation.  I erupted into tears and rage, yelling (at our parents) "Why?  Why did you have me?  You didn't even like me.  And if I was so horrible, why did you have eight more.  Why did you have to hate them too."  I didn't know that was in me.  It was a profound moment.

Sometimes I look at us, all nine of us.  I may be biased, but I recognize our beauty (well, everyone else's but mine) and intelligence and talent.  We are a stupendous bunch of individuals.  I wonder what we would have been like if we had been raised in a healthy household.  We would have been one of those super-families who blew the world away.  Instead we are struggling, filled with pain, looking okay on the outside and bleeding on the inside.

I think the same about Mom and Dad.  They are both so beautiful, but so lost inside their own pain and confusion...

Oh, and about your feeling that someone big was directing the "game" - I knew where you were and the name of the "game" you were playing because Bs 1 and 2 told me, snicker, snicker.  So you may be right.

Love you,

Clare