Since we're exposing letters, here is mine to the sibling who is 11 months younger than me. It was not well received!
Hi Bro,
I have been being haunted by memories
and almost-memories of our childhood lately. I don't know what to do. I
thought perhaps as the two oldest, we could start a dialog.
We had it rough. There was so much
violence and abuse in our home. I have been thinking and thinking about
it. I wake up early and the cool morning air puts me back at Grandmom and
Pop's...I have been trying to figure out where the abuse began.
Pop grabbed me and kissed me,
inappropriately once. I panicked and flailed. I think he let me go at
that point. Who else did he go after? Was there someone else who was
resigned and accepting? What happened to Pop to damage him and make it
okay to abuse the children he was supposed to protect? How far back does
this abuse go?
All I know is that it is destroying us
now. You know that our younger sister tried to commit suicide. She has huge lapses
of memory. She is hiding from the sexual abuse that was inflicted on
her. But another sister remembers – at least some of it.
I remember when you were young. You
used to carry a big stick and flail it at anyone who came near you. Mom
thought that was cute. But think about it...that is not normal behavior
for a toddler. I have been wondering what happened to you. Who or what
were you protecting yourself from?
You, and the next two boys sexually abused the
girls. Why not the youngest boy? Because Dad was overseas the year he was
born. It is the only thing that makes sense. We moved every year, never
lived near family when we were young – so it didn't come from the
uncles or grandparents. I truly believe that humans are good and kind
and intelligent. But torture destroys our humanity. No one is a sexual
predator, naturally. It has to be created. The only thing that makes
sense is that Dad was the victim of his father and older brothers. He
learned. Then we all have to have our addictive behaviors that numb us
and shield us from the pain, allowing us to survive. And so he abused
you and his next son, then the next son. That is why we have so much drug addiction,
alcoholism, violence and sexual abuse in our family. We are all trying
to escape from the pain.
I was so awful with my kids. I have
great potential to be a monster, and I had my monstrous moments. Al Anon
saved my life and saved my sanity. I don't know you any more – isn't it
amazing how much distance we siblings have put between ourselves and
Mom and Dad. So I don't know how you are coping or where you have your
memories. I do know we are still trying to escape.
This has to be faced. If any one of
us, or our children, has any chance at actually being alive. I am so
afraid all the time. I have nightmares that jerk me awake – my heart
pounding, gasping for breath, in absolute terror.
What do you remember? Do you remember
what happened to you? Do you remember what you did to escape the pain?
Am I a safe enough place for you to talk? Again, we don't know each
other and you never liked me when we were children – I was too weird. I
think you have found solace in your religion. If you remember what you
did, I am sure you have been forgiven by Christ. But there is one more
step. You need to be forgiven by your sisters – both to save your soul
and to save theirs. If that doesn't happen, they will never be alive.
They will have health problems, more suicide attempts, trying to get out
of here as soon as possible.
Could we start a dialog, and perhaps
invite some of the siblings to join in? Are we brave enough to do this? I
am terrified that I may have hurt some of them and may have to face it
now. I am so afraid all the time. But I faced myself as monster with my
kids, I am willing to do it again. What do I have to lose? I am not
close to my family. No one really notices me much, so I can't lose you.
But maybe I could gain you and my life could be safer.
Can we do this, or shall we continue pretending we are a normal family. Please pray on this.
Love from Clare
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