I must feel...I must...

That was a slam into reality.  I knew the "games" were happening, and thought nothing of it.  My remembered response was,  "Oh."  It must have been normal to me.  I had already been enculturated into the family way.  This is what we do in our family.  So my question becomes - why?  Why was this okay?  My humanity was already compromised by the time I was 9 or 10 years old.

And it never occurred to me to stop it, to say  "This is wrong!" or to try and protect you or our younger sister.  My mind is racing - was I already an object, and so you becoming an object meant nothing to me?  I remember at age 10 I wanted to go into the Peace Corps.  I had some level of compassion, I wanted to help the world.  But I didn't recognize what was happening in our home.  I didn't know it was wrong.

I knew where you were - in the woods - not exactly where you were.  I just remember asking big brothers once, and that was the answer.  Then they told me the name of the  "game", and I knew it was sexual.

I want to be overcome by emotion, by remorse, and beg forgiveness.  But instead, I feel like I am in suspended animation.  I almost can't breath - my rib cage is tight and humming.  I can't feel anything.....when it breaks, I will beg.