What a Weekend...

God, what a weekend.  My eldest almost died in a freak accident.  The truck started backing while my child was only halfway in.  Good reflexes allowed her to pull into the fetal position and roll away. Her bent elbow was run over, and her head was missed by inches.  She has scabs in the pattern of tread on her arm.  And she is scared, and reevaluating life.

I am lost.  I want my kids to be loving and connected.  I want transparency.  I talked to two of them at length this weekend about the kind of family I want to be.  They seemed to understand being vulnerable, being available.  I talked to them about what is happening in their sibling's life, and encouraged them to be available and supportive.  I talked to all of them about this.

I don't know how to create this, but as the matriarch, I know it's my job to lead the way.  Mom and Dad never stood up for us.  And they never really reached out for us.  I think they waited for us to reach out for them.  I have adopted this - if you need me, I'll be there.  If you don't seem to need me, I won't intrude.  But this collides with my own innate need to be noticed.  Clash there, huh?  My kids need to be noticed as much as I do.

Actually things do seem to be getting more intimate in my family.  We all seem to be noticing each other more.  Maybe there's hope...

Still trying to call my child.  Still no answer.

I fell like I am all full of emotion, but all out of words...