Oh, love, I know this problem well. My best friend from college - you know her well - and I have had a few really heartfelt talks about why we felt is was so important that we be nice...that people think we are nice. If we are not nice, if we don't do as told/requested, then we are still the bad little girls we harbor inside. Or we are bitches - we are controlled by names.
Not that I am good at saying no - if someone asks me, they must need me, they noticed me, they want me around - but what I learned, I learned from a wonderful older Quaker woman. She was like velvet covered steel. I was with her once when someone asked her to do something. She smiled her warm, comfortable, welcoming smile and lovingly said, "I can't do that right now." She didn't explain. She didn't apologize. She simply considered, then refused. And no one felt bad or embarrassed at all. There are times when I have channeled my "inner-Sue."
I think the inability to say NO! is connected to my inability to ask for help. Hearing NO! used to devastate me. Now it unsettles me, and sometimes it makes me feel bad or sad or alone. I guess the compassionate side of me doesn't want to devastate anyone who came to me to ask for help.
Two of my sons just popped in to help me with something. I asked them for help, and they went out of their way for me. "No problem, Mom, we don't mind." And I felt so pathetically happy. More of the same issue for us.
We heard so much NO! from Dad. Maybe we say yes just to not be him...
Back to work with me...
No comments:
Post a Comment