Stewardship

OK, So who is hurt?  Or we'll make it present continuous...who is hurting?  The answer is that we all are.  There's no way any of us could be at peace.  We don't know what happened to us, and there is a sneaking suspicion that it could just happen again.

I remember being young, elementary age, and thinking that if people knew who I really was, they wouldn't like me.  Even at that young age, I knew I had to hide how bad I was.  It took a lot of energy to maintain my facade of okay, okay enough to be acceptable.  Pretty tragic that I felt that way.  Then I found out others share the same understanding of their own inner worthlessness.

I read and reread the parable about stewardship.  All I could think of is that when I have money - I give it away.  There is something in me that assumes if I help others, others will help me.  In general it works, but if I loved myself it would work better...maybe...I think...And if I loved myself better, I would be able to help myself.  I would grow up and stop expecting help.  Except that I won't ask for help, and I don't accept it easily.  So how do we balance that with letting others help us, which is necessary if we are gong to be part of a community?  But the parable is right in that we don't take good care of our own gifts.  We curl up and protect ourselves.  Sort of the equivalent of hiding our lights under baskets, I suppose.  But it's quiet in the basket, and no one can reach in and hurt me.

I believe in the human spirit. though.  I believe we can recreate ourselves.  It's never too late, as long as we're still breathing.  I believe in miracles and in our strength.  I feel like we are trying some steps, and getting ready to dance in public, dance like everyone else is and just be accepted.  Because we are okay.

I think the answer is in transparency.  Your eyes in the meditation, casting light into the corners - you were creating transparency.  I know that once we have been able to look at the hidden, obscured truths hidden in the shadows, we will be able to speak truth to power.

I used to do a meditation in my house of casting light into every room, every corner, every drawer until the whole house glowed.  My "rule" was that only love could enter.  It seems as if you are doing the same in your mind.  I wonder if I should try that inside my mind.

I am starting to mention this blog, and to discuss some of our past with trusted friends.  So far no one has berated me.  Mostly, people offer support.

I dreamed about someone from high school who was middle aged but looked like she was still in high school.  She was going to tell me the secret of staying young.  Not sure how that ties to our work.  Your dreams are so much more poignant.  It's more fun to analyze them!

Something is percolating in me.  I need to do some reading and thinking.

Where are you right now?