Ah, so I was right when I noted that our family motto is blend! We are desperately super-normal - not too shiny, not absolute failures. If nobody notices, you can't be singled out and hurt.
You mentioned your activities. Mom was like that. She was in the band and drama club and newspaper or yearbook,Valedictorian, voted most popular. She was seeking approval. Dad, on the other hand, had scarlet fever and was held back a year because he missed so much time. His motive has been escape. Quit school, enlist in the military to escape the village where everyone knew them. He used to give Mom such a hard time about her community activities. I guess he needed her to be like him. We are more comfortable when we have a companion who is like us. It shows we are normal --- maybe.
The moving was difficult. I went to eight schools before I graduated. I learned not to bother getting involved or to expect too much. The constant uprooting, yeah, it's isolating. It's great for a family where abuse is rampant. No one gets to know too much about us. And we are all that we have.
And I also remember Dad's total lack of interest in what I did. When I was a sophomore, I made it into the annual musical. They started with the seniors, since it was their last year, and worked their way down, so only a handful of sophomores were in. I was pretty excited. Upon hearing my great news dad said, "Don't expect me to be taking you to any practices. I am not going out at night for you." First, I was shocked. It had never dawned on me that he might go out of his way for me. It never entered my mind to ask him for a ride. I knew I would be walking. And I did walk home in the dark after every rehearsal. It was only a couple of miles. And I was only a young girl alone. It still really breaks my heart when I think about how unprotected we were, how un-cherished. I think Mom made him come to one performance. But you grew up in the house. You know how much complaining and blaming we had to listen to when he had to go to anything.
I desperately did not want to go to my college graduation. I was perfectly happy to just pick up my diploma later. Mom begged me to go through the ceremony. She said it was really important. So I did it. And Dad got bored halfway through the ceremony and left. He waited outside. Real fun, being more worried about how angry he was going to be. I did not enjoy the day. It was not a celebration.
Besides I had already heard the "education is wasted on her" speech. I got it. I was not worth the time in his eyes. I would like to point out though, that he never paid a cent for my education. Between grants (Mom filled out paperwork for me - thanks, Mom) and a senatorial scholarship I got, and working - sometimes two part-time jobs while being a full time student - I did it. I am proud of that!
I never knew that Mom tried to talk you out of becoming a doctor. Maybe it was because she had so much more to offer the world than she did. She could have been a doctor. Maybe Dad was complaining about you...I remember when you were about 7 years you declared you were going to be a doctor. You never wavered. I was always so impressed. Even now, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!
Another memory - I remember B#1 commented once that no one from the family ever came to a single Little League game he played in when he was in fifth and sixth grade. I didn't know we could go, or I probably would have. I am so sorry.
You did listen to the whispers of your heart. You saved yourself. Somehow, somewhere we are still inside and alive.
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