Integrity

Clare,

I am so sorry to hear about your weekend...
You are opening up to your kids...you are opening them up as well.
It can only be for good to emerge...
I will hold you all in the Light.

This is where I am at this morning;
Do you ever do things that you clearly don't want to do...just because you are asked to do it?

This past weekend I organized a baby shower...
sounds like a worthy endeavor...the issue is that I am not friends with the parents-to-be.
I teach their son in First Day School, but we exchange nothing but greetings and occasional reports of  what we attempted to teach during our Meeting.
I planned and implemented a successful baby shower...
plenty of food...
only one game (and we didn't embarass the mother-to-be during it)...
alot of presents
and a thorough clean up.
The whole process was uncomfortable for me...
secretly wishing I had never said yes to the mother-in-law's request back in December.

Why can't I say no?
It's a rather simple word...one syllable...easy to pronounce...
but damn near impossible for me to say.

When B#2 attempted suicide and S#3 and 5 decided he needed to come back east, closer to home (ironic because we don't have a "home")...
B#2's ex-wife suggested that I would be the best opportunity for him to recover.
I said yes...
even though I professionally knew he had a much better chance of recovery going into a rehab center...
I said yes...
I was ready to take a depressed, suicidal, alcoholic and one of my past-abuser/molesters into my home...
with my children.
I had serious reservations about it...
but I dutifully said yes.
Luckily, my wise and trusted friend questioned the sanity of that decision and assured me that it was not appropriate to accept B#2 and this situation into my house.
She uncovered the courage for me to say, "NO, I am sorry, but I cannot do this".

There is a part of me that only feels valuable if I am being of service to others.
Otherwise I am worthless...invisible...disposable.

Is that victim speaking?
Is that woman speaking?
Is that (ex) catholic speaking?

Why do I have difficulty just speaking the truth, my truth?
That's what integrity is all about...say what you mean and mean what you say.
So I lack integrity...wholeness.
I need to work on that...

I love you,
Maggie