Back to work

That is alot of thinking...

First I have to say that you have great insight.

The lack of empathy and connection to others really is a curse of our existence.
I remember when I was telling my wise friend about our family and she commented on the lack of connection between us. It was obvious to her from conversation.
I think the deepest root of the problem isn't a disconnect with each other, it's that we've disconnected from our own soul.
We (collective we) fail or refuse to acknowledge that at the universal level we are all still One Soul...
the Christ.
Incarnating into this body takes us away from that wholeness, by illusion.
We, as humans,through traumas and teachings create an even greater divide, one that we believe is real.
We fail to understand that we still abide in that wholeness.
Our ego wants us to believe that we are autonomous...
but we still deeply long to belong...
to return to that Christ Soul.
I crave divine intimacy...that's how it feels to me.
That's where I will fulfill that sense of belonging.

I didn't send my letter to Mom...I will explain.
While attempting to connect with her is a worthy endeavor, I realized that I was using it as a distraction.
Every time I get close to something really difficult I create a distraction.
For the past week I have been focusing on my reactions to her and not on me and my own healing...
it sounds selfish when I write it down.

I can't save Mom, or any of our siblings.
They are content in their repression...Sister #3 told me,"you make me uncomfortable with your memories. It took me a long time to come to peace with my lack of memory." So she is not at a place in her journey to remember. Neither is Mom. I need to love them in their fragmented state and put my Joan of Arc persona to work on saving the fragments of me that I am trying to avoid.

So, I need to focus back on the recollected stories, the dreams, the flashbacks and try to make sense of me.
I need to call out to the "boxed me" that was hidden away long ago, because she didn't fit into our family dynamics.
I need to continue to walk in the dark forest, even though it would be easier to take a side path out of the darkness.
I am just so thankful that you walk along beside me.

The flashback stirred something in me...
I have had a panic reaction, in the past, if I am held down at me shoulders...
I don't know about the shaking, but I definately had some previous experience being pinned down in that way.

I love you,
Maggie