just space

Clare,
It will be good to gather in May...
once again coming together.
I wish B#2 would relinquish his pride, anger, shame, and pain...
and join us...
even for one day.
Any word of him from his ex?

A friend of mine lost a sister to suicide in February. She is struggling with guilt. It was a rocky several years for that family. She feels someone should have been able to prevent the suicide. But, in the end the shame and pain won out.
I wonder if and when we will hear that B#2 has killed himself. It's sounds cold and morbid to say that, but it is in my heart and mind. When I speak with my friend I wonder, How will I react to that news? I remember clearly when I got the call about his attempt in CA. I was at my internship, with a guidance counselor at an elementary school and I believe I got a text or a phone call- maybe both. I cannot remember who it was from. I remember having the wind sucked out of me. My heart hurt for his loneliness...
but I've done nothing since then to change that.
I don't feel called, or led, to that action.
Why is that beyond my scope of compassion?
What karma are we working through here?
It's fascinating, from a clinical standpoint, because I feel led to save everyone...
animal, trees, most living things are one my radar to save...
it's my Joan of Arc archetype playing through, because I sacrifice my own well being to save others...
it's all about the 'greater good'.
And yet, with B#2, no leading.
There's no anger or animosity...
just space.

I am making a concerted effort to hydrate, exercise and avoid sugar...
I feel a bit better this week. My habits have been very poor since the holidays...
perpetuated by stress and travel.
It's time to reclaim my health.
Just in time for Spring...
it's 30 here, but still very cold compared with the almost 60 degrees of a few days ago. Freezing rain is forecast for the morning...hopefully the last bit of winter until Christmas.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie