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Hi Maggie,

You have always been bolder than I am. You are more courageous.  You sing you own songs in public.  You decided you would be a doctor when you were 7, and never stopped until you did it. You said you would do it...and you did it.

When you wanted voice lessons, and Mom aid she couldn't afford it, you found a way.

You allow others to see you, to touch you. You know you are worthy of being touched, being treated.  You allow, accept.

I admire you.

I don't do that. I quietly submit to the all-encompassing no in my life. I am so deeply sure that it is not my turn, it is not for me, I am supposed to be good and wait. It is always someone else's turn.

My strength, I think, is in being able to do what I want, and saying a big fat Fuck you! to the world.  But...don't watch me while I do my things. I will just be quietly in this corner, being as unobtrusive/unintrusive as possible.

I only shoveled for about an hour. I learned to shovel until it got strenuous, then walk up and down the driveway a few times.

Sometimes, when I look at us, I wonder how close bipolar is to dissociative.  I wonder how we contain the pain, knowing now that we inherit from parents, grandparents - who knows how far back. Then we try to exist, to survive in this culture of violence/violation aimed at anyone who is not white, rich, male.

I love your simple questions. The next step is how do we hold ourselves to honesty in discerning the answers.  Maybe that is where clearness committees come in.

I saw a video today. The link is below.  In one of my more self-accepting moments, I googled actresses without make up, and looked at the clean faces of the most beautiful women, as accepted by today's expectations. My face, upon which I never apply make up - in truth I don't remember how - is not bad.  I am as attractive as some of them.  But I think my lack of make up is part of the unobtrusive self I bear so well.

http://www.realclear.com/inspiration/2015/12/21/she_was_sick_of_being_photoshopped_so_she_did_this__12551.html

Love and hugs from Clare