What is wrong?

I can see it.  I can see the brother, picking at you, reminding you of something you did or couldn't do, and picking, picking, picking, digging, poking, going for the sore spot.  We were so nasty.  Why did we take pleasure in each other's pain?  Did it stop our own pain?  Did it make us feel less alone because someone else hurt, too?

If the brothers were protective of you, why did they not offer the same to S#3?  The thought makes me want to hyperventilate.

We've been through this before...dad said college was wasted on me, because I was just going to get married and have babies.  It is not worth the time or energy or money to educate a girl.  We grow up with this truth, it is the undercurrent of the way we are conditioned.  On top of that are posters that say girls can do anything.  But that is superficial, and just for appearance's sake.  It reminds me of when I was a substitute teacher - a job I hated.  The kids would make art banners:  No bullying!  Bullying is bad!  Just say no to bullies.   Yet the very basics of all interactions was violent.  The kids told each other to shut up, called each other names, degraded each other.  It was such a common, acceptable part of the culture that no one noticed.  But they made great signs to prove the school was addressing the problem.

I could not do anything right.  I could not do anything alone.  But, by God, I could have babies.  It created a true role for me.  And with a baby, I had a chance to create a true relationship.  Except I would open my mouth and all the stupid things Mom said to us would fall out, and I knew it was hopeless - I was trapped in this family, as were my amazing children.  How can we see anything except what we hear: 
For someone who is supposed to be so smart, you have no common sense. 
You can't even cook potatoes right.
You are a sadist.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
And any thinking person will sit and try to analyze, What is wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me..............

Don't forget the altruist,  Darwin didn't know what to make of those individuals.  Their sacrifice allowed the others to survive the stress, and to thrive.

I love the idea that each species is a frequency.  And all we have to do is find our rightful place in the choir.  I have had moments of ecstasy in the very early morning, when I could hear the trees, the flowers, and sometimes even the lake.  The whole world was a choir, and I had my part.   I added harmony.  I wasn't more or less than anything else, but I was part of the beauty.

Once, in a flower essence meeting, a fellow practitioner said she thinks we are here to find our note, or to find our tone.  It seemed so profound when she said it.

My youngest has been opening up more and more about what was going on in her relationship before they broke up and she came home.  Last night I had the idea of taking her thoughts and those of three of her close friends and creating a kind of arty, handwritten journal and trying to get it published.  The idea would be to explore the way abusers draw young women in - in this case, they were all female -and to try to see the warning signs, the first steps, to record the escalation.  It could be a kind of, or the first, Me, too.  It might become a guide for others.  Any thoughts? Gut reactions?

Goodnight, love -

Clare

If I had money to invest, I would consider founding the Me, too Publishing Co.!!