christmas is bittersweet

Christmas is bittersweet for me, it always has been.
I feel more alone on Christmas then any other day...despite being surrounded by my family.
I enjoy the preparation...the anticipation...
and I love sitting by myself in a candle-lit Meeting house in silence.
I dislike the morning gift opening...
my oldest keeps score to see who is getting what...she needs to stop caring about the 'score' and just appreciate the kindness and thought that was put into each gift.
I actually left the gift opening because they were bickering so badly...
I pointed out that nothing under the tree was a necessity...
everything was a want...
and could definitely be lived without...
so I asked them to think about how lucky they are to be so blessed.

The youngest came up to my room to see if I was OK...
he is definitely the one who watches over me...

Anyway things improved...but I still spent a good deal of the day quietly.

It is interesting that twist about our connections.
I also find myself flowing through a series of friends...
each for a period of time...and then they move out of my life...
smoothly transitioning to the next experience...
I don't believe that I have any friends actively engaged in my life for more than 5 years...
maybe one who has been in intermittently for about 10.
I find myself frustrated (with myself) that I don't maintain long term friendship...
but it isn't something that I am motivated to do...
so I have to accept that it is the way it is meant to be....
learn the lessons and then move ahead.

So, you asked if I had any surprises...
I has insight into the personalities of my kids that I hadn't before.
I have learned to love and accept them, as they are, but they fail to do that for each other.
I wonder how much of that went on in our house as we were growing up...
I wonder what insights our parents had about us as we grew...
I have a feeling that they were too busy making a living and getting by...

Love and blessings,
Maggie