Damn kids...

I don't know if we took care of each other.  S#5 used to tell everyone that she was B#1's baby, but I never really saw him take care of her.  I was forced to babysit the crowd, but I don't specifically remember taking care of you.  I made dinner, made sure you were all fed, did headcounts to make sure I wasn't in trouble for losing anyone...But I think we can only model what we learn.  I have never quite known how to take care of myself, so it is hard to take care of others.  The oxytocin rushes helped me understand with my own kids, though.

But when I was a teenager, and overwhelmed with our family life, I swore repeatedly that I would never have children.

I think you were allowed to cry when you were a kid. But nobody paid any attention to it.  When you were on the front porch screaming, the response was probably, "Damn kids, why can't they just be quiet."  We think kids yell and carry on, just because they are kids.  We rarely stop to understand they are in pain.  Often, kid's pain is not worthy of notice.  Mostly, and consciously, we forget.  You remember, and had that moment of walking back through the pain.  It is the way to relief and love.

Do you remember what B#1 was doing to you?  When did this happen.  I know Mom and Dad took off and left all you middle teens alone for days at a time.  There was no one there to protect any of you.

What is my greatest lesson of this incarnation?  Let me think about this.  This is right up there with the life mission statement - a real challenge!

Having kids...there is so much to that question.  I think we do agree to be conduits for our fellow travelers, who agree to be our children, part of our chain.  I think as part of the institutional objectification of women that has been systematically in place since the old testament, motherhood has been devalued.  Yet it is a drive we have.  There is something satisfying about being pregnant and mothering.  Yet, we are nothing if we are a mom.  We are valued only by the money our activities bring in...and I am exhausted and my thoughts are churning.  I think I need to close while still semi-comprehensible!

I was looking at your family photos, and realized how much your youngest looks like S#3's son.  I wonder who they resemble...

I love you, and good night!

Clare