Hope is a wonderful thing

There is always hope...

I read your post and had the image of the spiral staircase.
You aren't retreating...
you are cycling around the same issues from a different vantage point.
Perhaps you should look at the issue and see what is different about it this time around.
Perhaps you will see the growth and expansion that you've worked so hard.
Perhaps you need to let go of the negative expectation and see possibilities.
I am not sure why I wrote those last 2 sentences...they just flowed...so I didn't stop them...
I hope that they help.

I have rediscovered chocolate over this holiday...
I hadn't eaten it in many months...didn't even crave it.
Once I take the first bite it is all over...
now I will have to get through that withdrawal all over again.
You are human...
One of the 'loudest' messages that I am learning and trying to convey to others is that childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, changes our physiology. You crave the quick energy sources because your neuroendocrine system is dysfunctional from years of being constantly vigilant and on guard...chronic stress...and at a time when your brain and body were developing.
Understand that binging on fats and sugars is an unhealthy response to your internal signals...but it is the appropriate response...your body believes it need quick energy to escape the threat/stress.
You are appropriately responding to inappropriate signals. You need to see the strength of that response. You are listening to your body...but your physiology is confused.
I am seeing research that shows mindfulness and mind-body therapy is helpful, even restoring brain synapses in adults who had the abnormal neurologic development from child abuse.
You still have a chance...
we all still have a chance...
we just need good information...
and time, patience and resources available to us.

I am working on several projects now...
and am demanding that I complete them and make them public...
somehow. I am creating the demand to follow through...
Otherwise I sink back under the radar...
and plan but actually do nothing.

Enjoy your winter's evening.
Light and warmth to you,
Maggie