Fighting trust all the way...

Today I was researching a little about the Jewish Tree of Life or Sefirot, for my paper and was struck by the spiritual symbolism of the tree.
I found a wonderful comparison of the symbolism from diverse spiritualities at http://www.treeoflifeteachings.com/tree-of-life/

I thought it might offer you some insight into your identification with trees.

So, today I found myself weeping for the young lives that are lost and wasted. I am also weighted by the grief of the survivors. I had this same feeling after 9/11. I pray for the victims, but more ardently for the survivors to find peace and reconciliation. I heard Don Kraybill speak about the Amish reaction to the Nickle Mines, PA massacre of the Amish schoolgirls. He spoke of Grace and the ability of the Amish to transcend the tragedy and offer support and forgiveness to the family of the shooter. It was as if they understood his deep sickness and forgave the actions that took their children's lives. He wrote that the "collective and radical forgiveness" shocked a world so quick to demand justice and exact revenge.

The book concludes with some incredible insights;
Despite the lack of higher education Amish are self sufficient, stable, community centered people who rarely break the law or divorce.
They live with limits and feel that living within limits is the "foundation of wisdom".
Life without limits can lead to arrogance, conceit and self-destruction.
Limits allow community, a sense of belonging and connection and helps to shape identity.

Why have we left behind this sense of the importance of connection and community? Why do we buy into rugged individualism? Because we are so deeply hurt in our development, by those entrusted to raise and nurture us, that we cannot allow ourselves to depend upon another. We cannot allow ourselves to be hurt and disappointed once again.
So we feign relationship...find someone who is equally disabled and will complement our charade and we will do the same for them.
To answer your question from 2 days ago, I am trying desperately to create real relationship...
but it is the hardest things I have ever done.
I find myself sabotaging efforts to trust...my own efforts are being booby-trapped to end in disappointment so that I can say,"see I knew I couldn't trust you."
I do want to open to this though...
My wise friend tells me that it is my destiny...
but it is a battle...every step of the way I fight it.
It is just too damned scary to be that present to someone...but within that relationship lies the path to the fulfillment of my journey.

Love and Blessings,
Maggie