Spicy water

Well, if we have to be chickpeas in the swamp, I'd like to be able to separate the earth from the emotions and simmer in nice clean water...or better yet, spicy water.  I want to make a solid path through the water so the wet spots have time to settle.  It seems as though my struggling, my drama, my wallowing in the pain of the swamp is what keeps the earthy foundation and the flowing emotion twisting and turbid.  (I think I am recognizing, admitting, I create and maintain my swamp...)  I want to step onto an island of sanity, with you  because you understand, and slowly build the walkway out.  Maybe, if I cease to struggle, the pain will separate from the present and I can breathe again.

And with my ongoing dog theme, as I tried to find words for what I just tried to express, I had the image of a dog climbing out, shaking off and drying in the sunshine.  I must have a doggie heart.  Maybe I need to be a little terrier with a waterproof coat!

I liked the image, from Rumi's poem, of life being a cooking process.  I am stewing in my life and my flavors blend with yours and with everyone else around me.  Together, we make delicious experiences and together we live a scrumptious life.

I was able to sit and talk to my youngest last night.  I think she heard at least some of what I said.  I told her that she has to remember that she is beautiful.  She said she doesn't feel beautiful (family theme?).  So I reminded her that men see her and know she is beautiful.  She has to be aware that some will only see the way she looks and will not look any deeper.

I think we have forgotten how to date.  I talked about the fact that she will be a mother, and that she won't just be choosing a partner, now she will be choosing a father also.  I was thinking aloud, but trying to explain dating.  Dating takes a long time.  It is the process of spending time together to see if if you fit each other's lives.  What seems to be happening now is a desperate search for true love.  Mutual lust is mistaken for marriage and they pretty much move into each other's lives.  I mentioned the way this last boyfriend basically moved into our house almost immediately.  That is not dating.  And it's too fast.  There is no time to think, to analyze what is happening and whether it is welcome.  There are really nice guys who are simply not good fits in our lives.  And if they are always with us, we have no time to reflect.

And we need our girls.  To often they get tossed aside, and we lose a great source of wisdom. 

I think she listened.  Maybe I was talking to me, also.  I dated a lot, but only had two really important relationships.  The first one was healthier.  We had our own friends as well as friends in common.  There was no desperation, no drama.  But I preferred alcoholic drama.  All that worrying made me feel really comfortable.  My daughter is doing the same.  It is part of anyone raised in alcoholic dysfunction.  I guess I am hoping I can redeem myself by leading my children to a healthier place. 

I want to kick myself for infecting the next generation.  But then I stop and remember that no one in our family ever told me I am beautiful or that we lived in chaos or that a different life is possible.

My daughter did tell me that I was her best friend and that I was the one rock she has always had in her life.  She knows that I am here, and will always be here.  Successful parenting!

Spicy water thought...I was talking to someone in France about using ginger to ease nausea.  Once we translated the word ginger, I learned that in France it is an aphrodisiac.  If I am a chickpea, I want lots of ginger in the water.  I want to be passionately in love with life!!  Since I love ginger, and use a lot, I am going to start thinking aphrodisiac!

Love,
In love,
With love,
Drowning in love,
Floating on love...

Clarely Love