I am sorry you had a tough Christmas. At least you know when to retreat! I used to have similar feelings - I wanted to create the most memorable, perfect Christmas for my kids. Instead, as one of my self-aware children so aptly put it, "It's not a holiday unless I have at least one breakdown!" This is stated with a smile, but it's a knowing smile. (And frequently there is more than one breakdown by more than one of the kids.)
So I gave up. I don't have that Christmas anticipation any more. I don't try to make my favorite cookies - if I have time and money, I bake. I don't care if the house is fully decorated or even if we have a tree. Some years we make it. It looks great. Then there are the years like this year. Not so many decorations, so I lit lots of candles. I surrendered and understand my Christmas will never be good enough for House Beautiful. I simply don't feel Christmas coming until a day or two before, when I start thinking about menus...Since I have little emotional investment, I can relax and let go.
The holidays are easier. They have lost some of the magic, but we can't have everything.
I was talking to my best friend from college, and she has begun doing some research about the effects of media, television in particular, and the way we perceive what we are presented with. There is a portion of the brain that believes it all, even though, logically, we know it is a story. The two of us were discussing the effects on young girls' ( and older ones) perceptions of romance. But I think it must be equally true for our perceptions of holidays. I tried to watch a few of the holiday movies while furiously knitting Christmas gifts. There were at least two that were so schmaltzy that I had to turn them off. The movie was full of lights and gifts and decorations and stilettos and of course - true love at the end. Instead we are just more intensely ourselves at Christmas. Maybe that's why I disappear into loss of/lack of expectations of any kind of magic.
Am I getting old?
I am feeling mortal...
I think Mom, and even Dad had moments of insight about us. I remember Mom saying, "B#2 always..." something about the way her handled money. She did watch us - analyze us, to some extent. And Dad can be almost psychic about personalities. But I don't think their parenting style left much room for curiosity about us and who we were. And we kids didn't accept each other. We gleefully looked for faults to exploit so we could knock each other down to size. As I said, feral children.
I have also had a series of friends who have moved in and out of my life. But there have been a few who held onto me. I am grateful, because they have taught me. One is my best friend from college. She is going to come to Mom's birthday party next summer. Another is my college sweetheart. Both of them have been gifts in my life. I am grateful. I have remained close to someone I met just before getting pregnant the last time. And her husband is also a good friend. So there are certain people who have stayed with me, who I love a lot. But they have held onto me. In my favor - I allowed them to. But these relationships are not because I am healthy. I think because we moved so much we learned to cut relationships off. And because we didn't want people to know what happened in our house - we kept people at a distance, and so we don't form close, forever bonds. We create tenuous self-protective bonds.
So it's almost New Years. The holidays are almost over. I feel Grinchy being happy about that...and he was always your favorite, not mine!!
May your evening be sweet!
love from Clare
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