Slip Sliding Away

It feels like I am backsliding, losing ground.  It feels like I am on a slippery slope and there is nothing to hold onto and no one notices or cares anyway.  (Aren't I being pathetic?)    I feel like I could lose control and disappear completely.  This is when I start to feel suicidal - not that I have been serious for years and years.  But I start to wonder if anyone would notice if I was simply gone.  I wonder if I matter to anyone. 

I know the answer is yes, but I can't find that yes in myself - not anywhere.

I am sliding out of my green chakra, out of my heart and back into yellow - and the battle for control.  And I can feel my broken heart.  Is it because it is Christmastime?  I guess we'll see next year - if I repeat the pattern.

I read all of your insight about changed physiology due to abuse.  I logically understood it.  But reading it again today, while experiencing the effects made it more real than ever before.  I thank you for reminding me.

So if I am cycling, coming back to the same issue at a different frequency - what is different?  One thing that is different is that there is a reporter me sitting back, observing, taking notes, feeling what is happening. That part is detached, yet it is me.  That self is observing me eating while not hungry - yet noting the emptiness.  I can hear the voice,   "Hmmm...you are walking to the refrigerator, but you are not hungry.  You don't feel good, but you are going to eat that anyway..."  Interestingly, there is no self-loathing in the words. That is definitely different...

I don't know what I am hiding from, though...If I could identify it and face it and accept it...then...what...I would be different I guess...

I lost a decent amount of weight this summer.  It is coming back, and I know exactly where it is.  That body awareness is new.  I found myself patting my rounded belly saying,  "Thank you for protecting me from the pain."  Again, it was like a separate self.  The belly does not feel like part of me.

I think my resolution is going to be gluten free eating at least for a little while.  Wheat is to me as chocolate is to you.  But I have also begun to identify sugar as a toxin.  I can feel the poison in my body when I eat it.  I think when I get started on chocolate, it is actually the sugar that won't let me go.

So how do I listen to a different part of my body - that more ancient part that wants to shine?  How do I find myself under all the slime and all the pain?

I know that binging is slow-motion suicide.  I have wondered, twice, if I would wake up in the morning...this is not a good place to be...

But I will pull out of it.  I always do.  Then we'll see what I have learned.

And I know the inner duel between wanting to shine and knowing we have something to say versus being afraid to succeed and have everyone/anyone notice. After all, just who do you think you are?

Trying to notice.  Trying not to be negative.  How am I doing??

Breathing,

Clare