I'm tired, and other whines

I am tired.  One more day - I have to work tomorrow, then I have four days off.  I will have my grandson tomorrow night.  Between my work schedule and the diseases going around and time with the other grandparents, I haven't seen my kids for a few weeks - and I miss them.  He came in tonight for about 10 minutes and I got hugs.  I feel more complete now!

I am his roots.  When he becomes the trunk, when he has children, I am his roots.  I don't want to be cut off.  And I don't want to be cut off from Grammy or Grandmom.  They have walked this road with us, and they have given us the strength and wisdom to go forward.  I don't want to be cut off from Mom and Dad.  I don't want to lose you.  We are connected.  I don't want to cut the roots.  I want to straighten them out - to untangle them.  I want to let the sap flow, to let the life-blood flow, to let the love flow.  I want to be part of a people.

Maybe it will never happen. Maybe some of us will choose to remain safely tangled, and cradled in memory loss, history revision, alcohol induced fog.  But some of us will get back into the flow, with our hearts open wide, waiting to welcome the others when they awaken and to support and love the ones who don't.  I know I am not healed yet.  I am not healthy - but I am closer.  And when I burst forth, truly alive - I can't wait to see who's there to greet me. 

I am not feeling the holidays yet.  I think we'll be putting up a tree tomorrow.  We will be making cookies.  A friend will be here to help - which will be fun.  Everyone, including the ex, but excluding the west coasters will be here on Christmas Eve.  Then my youngest told me we have a tradition of drinking a glass of wine and watching the Charlie Brown Christmas show after they are gone.  I didn't know it was a tradition, but I do know that if a child identifies it as a tradition - it.s a tradition!!

Someday we should sing together. 

I have been carrying my notebook around.  I woke up at 4:00 am, wide awake - writing in my head.  So I sat up, turned on the light and jotted the ideas down.  I have so much inside of me that needs to be on paper.  I need time!

I also need to change my diet.  I need to go gluten-free for awhile.  I know I am sensitive, and I need to find out what happens to my body without flour and gluten.  I also need to get back to vegetarian eating.  I only eat poultry now - but my conscience won't allow it.  It's that George Fox moment - "Wear it as long as you can."  I think I am there.

Enjoy being in the presence of your wonderful children.  I love you!

Clare