I always have a hard time knowing what Jesus really said, and what it meant. The Bible has been rewritten and retranslated so many times I have no idea where the truth lies.
I saw a beautiful little blurb explaining that in a specific African tribe, if someone does something wrong, everyone in the group surrounds him and reminds him of every good thing he has ever done until he remembers who he is. That is so at odds of this leave them behind behavior of our religion, of our culture. I have a friend who talks of the concept of "Chosen Family." I don't know. We can't cling to our abusers. We can not allow those who tell us we are inferior to continue to do that. But we are born together to learn from each other...We need to be bound by love and acceptance and seeing the value of each, rather than being bound by violence. I am reminded of my ex's fraternity paddle. "Brothers" endured abuse knowing they would be allowed to abuse the next year's pledges. They were bound through violence...
I don't want to stay in the pain of our family dynamics. But as I move forward, I want to leave a trail, be connected by the strange, distant love we share...or strange, distant connections...
More than once, B#1 has called me, and in the course of conversation asked me to get a Bible. He then leads me through trying to get me to...be like him. If I am not like him, I am bound for hell - for an eternity of pain and suffering. He hasn't done this for a few years. I suppose he has given up on my obstinate soul!
I had my grandson here for overnight. I love that little boy so much. He just opens and moves my heart. And he's turning into such a boy! He ate chili with gusto when I explained it would help him fart!
At one point he was pushing a chair across the floor. My daughter and her friend had moved a pole lamp into the usual path, trying to improve the lighting for a photo. The little guy pushed the chair into the lamp, which tipped over and of course there was a lot of ruckus. No one scolded him and the lamp still works. My grandson was hiding and saying he wanted his mommy. I don't know how much that is stage and how much it is from being in day care a few times recently, but this is new - and not the first time. But I flashed back to watching my older grandson for a week, and he announced to his mom. "And I was good." The way he said it made me think someone told him he was bad. Then I was thinking about the way we tell kids they are bad. I felt, simultaneously adult and child - child retreating into fear and silence because I am bad, I do things wrong, I am not good enough, I am a problem...And I was thinking about this time of year - Santa will come if you are good. If you are bad - you do not deserve.
Finally my thoughts were back to a realization I had a few years ago. We do have a caste system in the US. We rank each other by class, or by wealth. If two people commit the same offense, the richer/whiter will have a good lawyer and will have their fingers slapped. The poorer/darker will become a body to fill the corporate prison business. We have the underlying belief that if God loves you, you have money. If God does not love you, you are poor. We would deny this with our words - but the most important lesson I learned from my marriage is - watch what people do, do not listen to what they say. By our actions in this culture, we prove time and time again that only the rich are worthy and good.
And maybe it starts with Santa - he brings gifts to good children. No gifts/few gifts - you are not as worthy as the others...
Yeah, and all the Christmas shows are making me cry this year. Open hearts and vulnerability are so beautiful, it reduces me to emotional tears...
Hope I am not ruining anyone's Christmas cheer. I am looking forward to having family here and spending time together for the next few days. I am maintaining open heart.
I love you!
Clare
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