Speaking as one who has been there, rape has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with violence and dominance and humiliation. It has to do with who owns you, and hint-hint - it's not you. Children sexually abusing children has nothing to do with sexual urges, as you realized. It has everything to do with causing the pain that was caused to you. It discharges pain, while simultaneously causing shame, emotional pain that builds and needs to be discharged. There is no escape. The cycle just makes deeper and deeper ruts until there's nothing but pain and numbness of discharge - repeated attacks.
I don't know how we survived, still able to think. There had to be just enough love and acceptance to give us hope. I don't think we can move forward without hope.
I talked a lot to my daughter, thinking about the journalling/book idea. So I started asking questions, and she seems to appreciate the attention and the chance to consider what had happened. I asked her how he drew her in. What were the words she heard, the behavior she saw. When did it change? What were the first little glimmers of abuse that she ignored? Another page I set up had his mom in the upper left, his daughter in the lower right. Apparently he and his mother fought regularly. I asked what she heard his mom say to him. Then I asked what she heard him say to his daughter. I don't think it will surprise anyone to know - they were the same. Mostly - stupid, Stupid, STUPID!
She also talked about a time when she confided a few things to a friend, who when angry with the boyfriend and trying to defend my daughter - repeated them to the boyfriend. The boyfriend was furious, cornered my daughter and asked if she said those words. She said, in that situation - lie. She said no, but he stood over her and berated her for a very long time until she was a sobbing heap on the floor. Love...how can anyone mistake that for love? But one of the things my daughter wanted to share was that there are good ways and bad ways of intervening.
So those are the beginnings. The other thing I wish I could incorporate is the way the young men feel. I know he feels unloveable, and so he tries to control her so she won't leave, there won't be another failure. The root of this behavior is feeling worthless and incapable of being loved. I don't want to identify him or involve him, but I would like a similar voice...
Me, too would publish stories of abuse - awareness, and ways people have come to terms and maybe even overcome early abuse and later discharge reactions. It would be a place of honesty and acceptance with writings for all ages - first hand stories of what happened to me and how I felt and how I handled it and what I learned. It would also be a place to publish research, like Brene-type insight, or your new theory that's going to rock the counseling world. I'm sort of making this up as I go along. It's kind of fun.
I thought of something when reading your words about resonance. When my kids were elementary school aged, I had two friends with same aged kids. With one Mom, I was on edge, expecting the worst - because she was. She thought kids were bad. The other Mom was calm and loving and accepting and expected the best of all kids. With her, I was relaxed. My kids were pretty much the same everywhere. It was just me. But I resonated with each of those women in very different ways. And I try to be the second Mom is all situations - accepting and loving. Sometimes my martyr slips through the cracks, but mostly - I'm good!
Having the heart-to-heart with my youngest took me to the place of saying, with so much love - You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I thought she was going to cry. But she said she is trying hard not to cry. She feels the need to stay in control. I hope she cracks and sobs and acknowledges the pain...
I love you, thank you...
Clare
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