I agree that to know something you must know it's opposite, or understand it's absence. Grammies have to die, plans have to fall through, sometimes the object of your affection does not return the feeling. We have to suffer sometimes. But there has to be a balance, and I don't think it is a 50-50 balance. The balance should be in favor of joy.
Do you remember how often we were told to "offer it up" when we complained about something? It's the whole religious focus on the sanctity of suffering and martyrdom. I have attended churches where the message was: this place is to be endured, until we get to heaven and finally find joy.
I feel in my bones...I feel in my soul...this is wrong.
We are not supposed to be abused and left to suffer in shame and isolation for the rest of our lives. And that is what happens to many, if not most of us. This is not the life a Christ would want for humanity. It just isn't. But we use that story of suffering to encourage people to endure, to live a life of suffering or of numbedness.
And people like us, we don't simply cycle through life. We are in pain, expecting pain, isolating ourselves against pain all the time. The balance is heavily skewed toward suffering with a few moments of joy to give us the hope and courage to try another day.
Happy New Year, little sister. May all your dreams come true this year - and may you laugh.
Love from Clare
Monday, December 31, 2012
Peaks and Valleys
I had my oldest brought into my office during breaks when she was nursing. It was the only scheduled feedings that she got...even that challenged me. Helping your daughter and her baby maintain that bond will be worth the effort...you already know that though.
I have friends...they are a military family...
husband/father is deployed now...he's my age
wife/mother stayed home to keep the family together
3 daughters...all military...
one has served 2 years in the middle east with a young daughter here at home...Dad's not in the picture...stays with her grandmother and uncle
one's a pilot...is away on a training mission now...young son at home with his Dad (the one who's taking care of his niece as well)
2 sons...one military and one an actor...best friends with my daughter#2.
They are a true family.
They watch each other's backs...unconditionally.
They have family arguments...sisters who fight over clothes, etc.
But each one of them will drop anything to help another family member.
I watch them...and so want to know their secret.
They have been through their ups and downs...and yet still support each other...
and understand what family really means...
just knowing them makes me hopeful.
I have to say this about suffering...
to know something you must know it's opposite...
to appreciate and know joy...you must experience sadness and loss
to appreciate and know love...you must experience loneliness and hatred
to appreciate and know peace and comfort...you must experience suffering
Pain...loss...loneliness are part of the human condition...as are peace...joy...love...acceptance.
I don't relish the painful, dark moments/periods...but they are part of the cycle of my life.
I don't cling to them...just as I can't cling to the joyous/Light filled periods...
they simply cycle through my life.
I have known people who chase ecstatic experiences...
of course from a spiritual journey point of view...
I call them the "Mary Chasers" (no disrespect to Mary)...
They spend their life trying to outdo their previous spiritual experience...jumping from peak to peak without ever traveling into and through the valleys...
I have learned as much from the valleys as I have from the peaks...maybe more so...
they have taught me compassion and empathy...
they have taught me humility...
they have taught me that there truly is "that of God within" each person, animal, being that I meet...
They have taught me that I cannot journey alone...I need to reach out at difficult times...
admit that I really am not self-sufficient...
I have a friend who asked me advice about his romantic troubles...
he told me that he is attracted to independent women, but they always leave him...
Independent women are independent because they have been hurt so badly in their life that they cannot allow them self to need or rely on another human...no matter what.
Of course they leave...that's what they're groomed to do.
He needs to ask himself why he is looking for women who are that badly hurt...
sorry I digress.
To finish the earlier thought...
Suffering is not about a "lamb being led to slaughter" without a fight or escape attempt...
it is about growing in all situations...
not losing hope...
trusting when it seems that there is nothing to hold on to...
and if that enlightenment occurs during the dark times then they truly were productive "dark nights of the soul".
I love you.
Light and Blessings on this New Year's Eve,
Maggie
I have friends...they are a military family...
husband/father is deployed now...he's my age
wife/mother stayed home to keep the family together
3 daughters...all military...
one has served 2 years in the middle east with a young daughter here at home...Dad's not in the picture...stays with her grandmother and uncle
one's a pilot...is away on a training mission now...young son at home with his Dad (the one who's taking care of his niece as well)
2 sons...one military and one an actor...best friends with my daughter#2.
They are a true family.
They watch each other's backs...unconditionally.
They have family arguments...sisters who fight over clothes, etc.
But each one of them will drop anything to help another family member.
I watch them...and so want to know their secret.
They have been through their ups and downs...and yet still support each other...
and understand what family really means...
just knowing them makes me hopeful.
I have to say this about suffering...
to know something you must know it's opposite...
to appreciate and know joy...you must experience sadness and loss
to appreciate and know love...you must experience loneliness and hatred
to appreciate and know peace and comfort...you must experience suffering
Pain...loss...loneliness are part of the human condition...as are peace...joy...love...acceptance.
I don't relish the painful, dark moments/periods...but they are part of the cycle of my life.
I don't cling to them...just as I can't cling to the joyous/Light filled periods...
they simply cycle through my life.
I have known people who chase ecstatic experiences...
of course from a spiritual journey point of view...
I call them the "Mary Chasers" (no disrespect to Mary)...
They spend their life trying to outdo their previous spiritual experience...jumping from peak to peak without ever traveling into and through the valleys...
I have learned as much from the valleys as I have from the peaks...maybe more so...
they have taught me compassion and empathy...
they have taught me humility...
they have taught me that there truly is "that of God within" each person, animal, being that I meet...
They have taught me that I cannot journey alone...I need to reach out at difficult times...
admit that I really am not self-sufficient...
I have a friend who asked me advice about his romantic troubles...
he told me that he is attracted to independent women, but they always leave him...
Independent women are independent because they have been hurt so badly in their life that they cannot allow them self to need or rely on another human...no matter what.
Of course they leave...that's what they're groomed to do.
He needs to ask himself why he is looking for women who are that badly hurt...
sorry I digress.
To finish the earlier thought...
Suffering is not about a "lamb being led to slaughter" without a fight or escape attempt...
it is about growing in all situations...
not losing hope...
trusting when it seems that there is nothing to hold on to...
and if that enlightenment occurs during the dark times then they truly were productive "dark nights of the soul".
I love you.
Light and Blessings on this New Year's Eve,
Maggie
Sunday, December 30, 2012
LOL'd
NoNoNo...NO!!!! Jesus did not come to teach us how to suffer. I will never believe that. We are not supposed to suffer. We are supposed to live and love and laugh, with a little pain thrown in. This world is so beautiful, we are meant to celebrate and be happy. If we were raised without abuse - in the family, from religion, from civilization, we would never ever consider that our lot in life is suffering.
I LOL'd (the first time I have ever written that!) when you said you could have saved yourself about 5000 calories! And I do understand how hard it is to endure the comparisons to someone who always has it the worst and is, therefore the only one who can suffer. There is no room for Me, too - only room for me.
Interesting connection between your in-law's propensity to keep such a close eye on what they gave each of their kids and your oldest's insistence on keeping score with the siblings.
I think we are all so disconnected, that when our parents are gone, we will come apart all the way. The bonds that are important now will remain, the rest of us will completely lose touch. Some families are so connected, though. I envy them, at least from the outside they look good - like a haven.
My youngest and I were looking at in utero pictures of babies at the same stage of development she is at. We were talking about ways we would take care of the baby when she has to go back to work. She works so close to home, we thought we could just take the baby down on her breaks and nurse. I have been thinking about when mine were little and what we have ahead. This is going to be a big year for us!
My brain is fried. Nothing wise is emerging...I think it's time to retire for the evening...Love you - Clare
I LOL'd (the first time I have ever written that!) when you said you could have saved yourself about 5000 calories! And I do understand how hard it is to endure the comparisons to someone who always has it the worst and is, therefore the only one who can suffer. There is no room for Me, too - only room for me.
Interesting connection between your in-law's propensity to keep such a close eye on what they gave each of their kids and your oldest's insistence on keeping score with the siblings.
I think we are all so disconnected, that when our parents are gone, we will come apart all the way. The bonds that are important now will remain, the rest of us will completely lose touch. Some families are so connected, though. I envy them, at least from the outside they look good - like a haven.
My youngest and I were looking at in utero pictures of babies at the same stage of development she is at. We were talking about ways we would take care of the baby when she has to go back to work. She works so close to home, we thought we could just take the baby down on her breaks and nurse. I have been thinking about when mine were little and what we have ahead. This is going to be a big year for us!
My brain is fried. Nothing wise is emerging...I think it's time to retire for the evening...Love you - Clare
Family gathering
I think that the ability to see the actions and call them as they are is a step forward...
living mindfully is the goal...
even if you are working against what you perceive to be the best choices,
with awareness,
it is still an improvement of being at the mercy of your physiology.
Today, I realized that my binging had alot to do with the family gathering at my house today...
husband's siblings and family were scheduled to be here for most of the day.
His sister really makes me uncomfortable...much like your ex-sister-in-law did.
She is always perfect...always had the worst lot in life...always struggled and was able to shine above everyone else despite her challenges...and I was not.
She cancelled at 9 am...she had her daughter call and cancel.
My other sister-in-law said that she has cancelled the past 3 gatherings that she was invited and committed to. I wished I had known..I could have saved myself about 5000 calories.
I had an interesting conversation with my sister-in -law today (the sane one). Her mother died in November and her brother is psychologically unstable to the point of threatening her family and his own life.
We talked about how tenuous family ties really are... what seems stable is really balancing on a small fulcrum...and any change can topple the whole thing.
She asked me what I thought would happen when our parents died and we had to execute the will...I laughed, there will be no will, there will not be anything to give to anyone, except B#1 will get the house because he gave them funds for the down payment.
She and I used to laugh at our in-laws because they were obsessive about keeping track of all monetary assistance they gave each of their children...to even it out in the end...when it came down to it no one argued...each was given their fair share and no one was hurt. No one has the right to expect anything when someone dies...it is a gift.
Anyway...back to the Christ references in the book...
Maybe Jesus didn't come to stop suffering...
maybe he came to show us how to endure it with grace and love...
how to learn and grow from the struggles through it.
I hope that you have a peaceful day tomorrow.
The holidays are almost over...the boys go back to school on Wed. and the girls and I start again next week. It will be good to get back into a routine.
Love and Light,
Maggie
living mindfully is the goal...
even if you are working against what you perceive to be the best choices,
with awareness,
it is still an improvement of being at the mercy of your physiology.
Today, I realized that my binging had alot to do with the family gathering at my house today...
husband's siblings and family were scheduled to be here for most of the day.
His sister really makes me uncomfortable...much like your ex-sister-in-law did.
She is always perfect...always had the worst lot in life...always struggled and was able to shine above everyone else despite her challenges...and I was not.
She cancelled at 9 am...she had her daughter call and cancel.
My other sister-in-law said that she has cancelled the past 3 gatherings that she was invited and committed to. I wished I had known..I could have saved myself about 5000 calories.
I had an interesting conversation with my sister-in -law today (the sane one). Her mother died in November and her brother is psychologically unstable to the point of threatening her family and his own life.
We talked about how tenuous family ties really are... what seems stable is really balancing on a small fulcrum...and any change can topple the whole thing.
She asked me what I thought would happen when our parents died and we had to execute the will...I laughed, there will be no will, there will not be anything to give to anyone, except B#1 will get the house because he gave them funds for the down payment.
She and I used to laugh at our in-laws because they were obsessive about keeping track of all monetary assistance they gave each of their children...to even it out in the end...when it came down to it no one argued...each was given their fair share and no one was hurt. No one has the right to expect anything when someone dies...it is a gift.
Anyway...back to the Christ references in the book...
Maybe Jesus didn't come to stop suffering...
maybe he came to show us how to endure it with grace and love...
how to learn and grow from the struggles through it.
I hope that you have a peaceful day tomorrow.
The holidays are almost over...the boys go back to school on Wed. and the girls and I start again next week. It will be good to get back into a routine.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thank you for the book...
I just finished reading Hannah Coulter, a novel by Wendell Barry - a philosopher and writer who has long impressed me. The story is soothing. There is a beautiful rhythm, a quietness, a rightness.
One passage spoke to my condition right now, and gave me hope. I struggle with the religious tone, but I resound with the sentiment.
It is this body of our suffering that Christ was born into, to suffer it Himself and to fill it with light, so that beyond the suffering we can imagine Easter morning and the peace of God on our little earthly homelands...
We have forgotten the Light, I think. We stay bound in the suffering - stuck in the swamp again! The Light, though, the illumination, it lifts us out of the suffering, offers grace and forgiveness and release - I hope.
But Christ's living unto death in this body of our suffering did not end the suffering. He asked us to end it, but we have not ended. We suffer the old suffering. Eventually, in loving, you see that you have given yourself over to the knowledge of suffering in a state of war that is always going on.
Perhaps I have never been "in loving."
I love you as much as I can,
Clare
One passage spoke to my condition right now, and gave me hope. I struggle with the religious tone, but I resound with the sentiment.
It is this body of our suffering that Christ was born into, to suffer it Himself and to fill it with light, so that beyond the suffering we can imagine Easter morning and the peace of God on our little earthly homelands...
We have forgotten the Light, I think. We stay bound in the suffering - stuck in the swamp again! The Light, though, the illumination, it lifts us out of the suffering, offers grace and forgiveness and release - I hope.
But Christ's living unto death in this body of our suffering did not end the suffering. He asked us to end it, but we have not ended. We suffer the old suffering. Eventually, in loving, you see that you have given yourself over to the knowledge of suffering in a state of war that is always going on.
Perhaps I have never been "in loving."
I love you as much as I can,
Clare
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Slip Sliding Away
It feels like I am backsliding, losing ground. It feels like I am on a slippery slope and there is nothing to hold onto and no one notices or cares anyway. (Aren't I being pathetic?) I feel like I could lose control and disappear completely. This is when I start to feel suicidal - not that I have been serious for years and years. But I start to wonder if anyone would notice if I was simply gone. I wonder if I matter to anyone.
I know the answer is yes, but I can't find that yes in myself - not anywhere.
I am sliding out of my green chakra, out of my heart and back into yellow - and the battle for control. And I can feel my broken heart. Is it because it is Christmastime? I guess we'll see next year - if I repeat the pattern.
I read all of your insight about changed physiology due to abuse. I logically understood it. But reading it again today, while experiencing the effects made it more real than ever before. I thank you for reminding me.
So if I am cycling, coming back to the same issue at a different frequency - what is different? One thing that is different is that there is a reporter me sitting back, observing, taking notes, feeling what is happening. That part is detached, yet it is me. That self is observing me eating while not hungry - yet noting the emptiness. I can hear the voice, "Hmmm...you are walking to the refrigerator, but you are not hungry. You don't feel good, but you are going to eat that anyway..." Interestingly, there is no self-loathing in the words. That is definitely different...
I don't know what I am hiding from, though...If I could identify it and face it and accept it...then...what...I would be different I guess...
I lost a decent amount of weight this summer. It is coming back, and I know exactly where it is. That body awareness is new. I found myself patting my rounded belly saying, "Thank you for protecting me from the pain." Again, it was like a separate self. The belly does not feel like part of me.
I think my resolution is going to be gluten free eating at least for a little while. Wheat is to me as chocolate is to you. But I have also begun to identify sugar as a toxin. I can feel the poison in my body when I eat it. I think when I get started on chocolate, it is actually the sugar that won't let me go.
So how do I listen to a different part of my body - that more ancient part that wants to shine? How do I find myself under all the slime and all the pain?
I know that binging is slow-motion suicide. I have wondered, twice, if I would wake up in the morning...this is not a good place to be...
But I will pull out of it. I always do. Then we'll see what I have learned.
And I know the inner duel between wanting to shine and knowing we have something to say versus being afraid to succeed and have everyone/anyone notice. After all, just who do you think you are?
Trying to notice. Trying not to be negative. How am I doing??
Breathing,
Clare
I know the answer is yes, but I can't find that yes in myself - not anywhere.
I am sliding out of my green chakra, out of my heart and back into yellow - and the battle for control. And I can feel my broken heart. Is it because it is Christmastime? I guess we'll see next year - if I repeat the pattern.
I read all of your insight about changed physiology due to abuse. I logically understood it. But reading it again today, while experiencing the effects made it more real than ever before. I thank you for reminding me.
So if I am cycling, coming back to the same issue at a different frequency - what is different? One thing that is different is that there is a reporter me sitting back, observing, taking notes, feeling what is happening. That part is detached, yet it is me. That self is observing me eating while not hungry - yet noting the emptiness. I can hear the voice, "Hmmm...you are walking to the refrigerator, but you are not hungry. You don't feel good, but you are going to eat that anyway..." Interestingly, there is no self-loathing in the words. That is definitely different...
I don't know what I am hiding from, though...If I could identify it and face it and accept it...then...what...I would be different I guess...
I lost a decent amount of weight this summer. It is coming back, and I know exactly where it is. That body awareness is new. I found myself patting my rounded belly saying, "Thank you for protecting me from the pain." Again, it was like a separate self. The belly does not feel like part of me.
I think my resolution is going to be gluten free eating at least for a little while. Wheat is to me as chocolate is to you. But I have also begun to identify sugar as a toxin. I can feel the poison in my body when I eat it. I think when I get started on chocolate, it is actually the sugar that won't let me go.
So how do I listen to a different part of my body - that more ancient part that wants to shine? How do I find myself under all the slime and all the pain?
I know that binging is slow-motion suicide. I have wondered, twice, if I would wake up in the morning...this is not a good place to be...
But I will pull out of it. I always do. Then we'll see what I have learned.
And I know the inner duel between wanting to shine and knowing we have something to say versus being afraid to succeed and have everyone/anyone notice. After all, just who do you think you are?
Trying to notice. Trying not to be negative. How am I doing??
Breathing,
Clare
Hope is a wonderful thing
There is always hope...
I read your post and had the image of the spiral staircase.
You aren't retreating...
you are cycling around the same issues from a different vantage point.
Perhaps you should look at the issue and see what is different about it this time around.
Perhaps you will see the growth and expansion that you've worked so hard.
Perhaps you need to let go of the negative expectation and see possibilities.
I am not sure why I wrote those last 2 sentences...they just flowed...so I didn't stop them...
I hope that they help.
I have rediscovered chocolate over this holiday...
I hadn't eaten it in many months...didn't even crave it.
Once I take the first bite it is all over...
now I will have to get through that withdrawal all over again.
You are human...
One of the 'loudest' messages that I am learning and trying to convey to others is that childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, changes our physiology. You crave the quick energy sources because your neuroendocrine system is dysfunctional from years of being constantly vigilant and on guard...chronic stress...and at a time when your brain and body were developing.
Understand that binging on fats and sugars is an unhealthy response to your internal signals...but it is the appropriate response...your body believes it need quick energy to escape the threat/stress.
You are appropriately responding to inappropriate signals. You need to see the strength of that response. You are listening to your body...but your physiology is confused.
I am seeing research that shows mindfulness and mind-body therapy is helpful, even restoring brain synapses in adults who had the abnormal neurologic development from child abuse.
You still have a chance...
we all still have a chance...
we just need good information...
and time, patience and resources available to us.
I am working on several projects now...
and am demanding that I complete them and make them public...
somehow. I am creating the demand to follow through...
Otherwise I sink back under the radar...
and plan but actually do nothing.
Enjoy your winter's evening.
Light and warmth to you,
Maggie
I read your post and had the image of the spiral staircase.
You aren't retreating...
you are cycling around the same issues from a different vantage point.
Perhaps you should look at the issue and see what is different about it this time around.
Perhaps you will see the growth and expansion that you've worked so hard.
Perhaps you need to let go of the negative expectation and see possibilities.
I am not sure why I wrote those last 2 sentences...they just flowed...so I didn't stop them...
I hope that they help.
I have rediscovered chocolate over this holiday...
I hadn't eaten it in many months...didn't even crave it.
Once I take the first bite it is all over...
now I will have to get through that withdrawal all over again.
You are human...
One of the 'loudest' messages that I am learning and trying to convey to others is that childhood trauma, abuse, neglect, changes our physiology. You crave the quick energy sources because your neuroendocrine system is dysfunctional from years of being constantly vigilant and on guard...chronic stress...and at a time when your brain and body were developing.
Understand that binging on fats and sugars is an unhealthy response to your internal signals...but it is the appropriate response...your body believes it need quick energy to escape the threat/stress.
You are appropriately responding to inappropriate signals. You need to see the strength of that response. You are listening to your body...but your physiology is confused.
I am seeing research that shows mindfulness and mind-body therapy is helpful, even restoring brain synapses in adults who had the abnormal neurologic development from child abuse.
You still have a chance...
we all still have a chance...
we just need good information...
and time, patience and resources available to us.
I am working on several projects now...
and am demanding that I complete them and make them public...
somehow. I am creating the demand to follow through...
Otherwise I sink back under the radar...
and plan but actually do nothing.
Enjoy your winter's evening.
Light and warmth to you,
Maggie
Friday, December 28, 2012
hope
I have a neighbor who is psychic. Sometimes she just says things, and when that happens I pay attention.
She said, "You still have a chance."
I think I believe her.
-C.
She said, "You still have a chance."
I think I believe her.
-C.
I lied...
Yeah, I think I lied...
I am on an eating binge. I am not hungry, but I am stuffing something down and moving into self-loathing. My self perception is hateful and unforgiving. I am not sure what I am avoiding, but there's something scaring the crap out of me, and I am numbing as fast as I can. At the same time I am lying to myself and pretending it's all okay, and that I am not losing the progress I have made.
I don't know what to do...
Your #1 Son sounds like my #2 - pleasant, easy-going, adaptable, stuck in the middle - but exceptional. Of course they are all exceptional. I am glad he came through his surgery and is in the process of healing. And that he is healing you.
I agree that this year has been difficult. But the pain has been different because I knew you were listening. It is such a gift to be heard, to be noticed, to have someone notice something and draw it out. I expect next year to be amazing. I feel like I am about to explode - and not from over-eating. I feel like I have potential welling up inside me. I just hope I find a way to trust it and let it flow through me. I find so many ways to stop myself, to halt the movement forward.
Writing this is making my teary. Maybe I will feel the pain I am trying to avoid. Maybe tonight will be a cry myself to sleep night. I always sleep deeply after a good cry.
Why am I so sad and using sugar and wheat to pretend it is not so? I know I am tired. I am so tired. I don't see relief in my future, just more and more and more...and I am tired. Is that all? I had a blast of past issues, problems from my marriage that still affect our lives today. And I am tired of that - tired of dealing with his left-over crap, tired of parenting alone.
I'm sorry, Time for a retreat into tears...It will be good for my soul, and maybe I will stop stuffing myself.
I love you...and more than stamina and patience, I wish you joy and acceptance.
Clare
I am on an eating binge. I am not hungry, but I am stuffing something down and moving into self-loathing. My self perception is hateful and unforgiving. I am not sure what I am avoiding, but there's something scaring the crap out of me, and I am numbing as fast as I can. At the same time I am lying to myself and pretending it's all okay, and that I am not losing the progress I have made.
I don't know what to do...
Your #1 Son sounds like my #2 - pleasant, easy-going, adaptable, stuck in the middle - but exceptional. Of course they are all exceptional. I am glad he came through his surgery and is in the process of healing. And that he is healing you.
I agree that this year has been difficult. But the pain has been different because I knew you were listening. It is such a gift to be heard, to be noticed, to have someone notice something and draw it out. I expect next year to be amazing. I feel like I am about to explode - and not from over-eating. I feel like I have potential welling up inside me. I just hope I find a way to trust it and let it flow through me. I find so many ways to stop myself, to halt the movement forward.
Writing this is making my teary. Maybe I will feel the pain I am trying to avoid. Maybe tonight will be a cry myself to sleep night. I always sleep deeply after a good cry.
Why am I so sad and using sugar and wheat to pretend it is not so? I know I am tired. I am so tired. I don't see relief in my future, just more and more and more...and I am tired. Is that all? I had a blast of past issues, problems from my marriage that still affect our lives today. And I am tired of that - tired of dealing with his left-over crap, tired of parenting alone.
I'm sorry, Time for a retreat into tears...It will be good for my soul, and maybe I will stop stuffing myself.
I love you...and more than stamina and patience, I wish you joy and acceptance.
Clare
Lessons to be learned
Next year might not be better...
but it will bring a new set of lessons...challenges...joys and sorrows.
I look forward to the new year...
not because I want everything to suddenly change...
but because it brings possibilities.
This year has been seriously difficult...
but I have grown more this year than probably any previous year in my life.
I have begun the process of breaking down the barriers and letting the Light shine into the dark corners...
showing me that the past really is not going to hurt me any longer.
I have also had opportunities to reflect upon people that I have hurt along the way...
interestingly several of them have reached out to me recently in various ways...
showing me that the pain that I caused is also past and carries no further danger or threat.
I believe that the upcoming year will be another of growth and self discovery...
hopefully with a new career opening for me...
hopefully with new opportunities to give and receive love and acceptance.
My son#1 had his wisdom teeth extracted today...
he is generally somewhat aloof...but extremely funny when he interacts...
today we spent a good part of the day together and it was great.
He was showing me the music and videos and TV shows that he likes to watch and listen to...
he likes different musical genres but he listens to lyrics with meaning.
He shared a rapper who sings about accepting gays...about dropping stereotypes...about avoiding drugs... about having to tall his parents he relapsed...
He is amazing...but he gets lost in the middle of his siblings because they all demand more than he does.
I should learn how to relax and enjoy moments...
rather than rushing to meet deadlines.
I could learn many things from him.
More snow is on the way tomorrow...and the husband's family are coming on Sunday...
Wish me stamina and patience.
Love and Light on the short winter's days,
Maggie
but it will bring a new set of lessons...challenges...joys and sorrows.
I look forward to the new year...
not because I want everything to suddenly change...
but because it brings possibilities.
This year has been seriously difficult...
but I have grown more this year than probably any previous year in my life.
I have begun the process of breaking down the barriers and letting the Light shine into the dark corners...
showing me that the past really is not going to hurt me any longer.
I have also had opportunities to reflect upon people that I have hurt along the way...
interestingly several of them have reached out to me recently in various ways...
showing me that the pain that I caused is also past and carries no further danger or threat.
I believe that the upcoming year will be another of growth and self discovery...
hopefully with a new career opening for me...
hopefully with new opportunities to give and receive love and acceptance.
My son#1 had his wisdom teeth extracted today...
he is generally somewhat aloof...but extremely funny when he interacts...
today we spent a good part of the day together and it was great.
He was showing me the music and videos and TV shows that he likes to watch and listen to...
he likes different musical genres but he listens to lyrics with meaning.
He shared a rapper who sings about accepting gays...about dropping stereotypes...about avoiding drugs... about having to tall his parents he relapsed...
He is amazing...but he gets lost in the middle of his siblings because they all demand more than he does.
I should learn how to relax and enjoy moments...
rather than rushing to meet deadlines.
I could learn many things from him.
More snow is on the way tomorrow...and the husband's family are coming on Sunday...
Wish me stamina and patience.
Love and Light on the short winter's days,
Maggie
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Next year will be better...Nahhhhh!
I am sorry you had a tough Christmas. At least you know when to retreat! I used to have similar feelings - I wanted to create the most memorable, perfect Christmas for my kids. Instead, as one of my self-aware children so aptly put it, "It's not a holiday unless I have at least one breakdown!" This is stated with a smile, but it's a knowing smile. (And frequently there is more than one breakdown by more than one of the kids.)
So I gave up. I don't have that Christmas anticipation any more. I don't try to make my favorite cookies - if I have time and money, I bake. I don't care if the house is fully decorated or even if we have a tree. Some years we make it. It looks great. Then there are the years like this year. Not so many decorations, so I lit lots of candles. I surrendered and understand my Christmas will never be good enough for House Beautiful. I simply don't feel Christmas coming until a day or two before, when I start thinking about menus...Since I have little emotional investment, I can relax and let go.
The holidays are easier. They have lost some of the magic, but we can't have everything.
I was talking to my best friend from college, and she has begun doing some research about the effects of media, television in particular, and the way we perceive what we are presented with. There is a portion of the brain that believes it all, even though, logically, we know it is a story. The two of us were discussing the effects on young girls' ( and older ones) perceptions of romance. But I think it must be equally true for our perceptions of holidays. I tried to watch a few of the holiday movies while furiously knitting Christmas gifts. There were at least two that were so schmaltzy that I had to turn them off. The movie was full of lights and gifts and decorations and stilettos and of course - true love at the end. Instead we are just more intensely ourselves at Christmas. Maybe that's why I disappear into loss of/lack of expectations of any kind of magic.
Am I getting old?
I am feeling mortal...
I think Mom, and even Dad had moments of insight about us. I remember Mom saying, "B#2 always..." something about the way her handled money. She did watch us - analyze us, to some extent. And Dad can be almost psychic about personalities. But I don't think their parenting style left much room for curiosity about us and who we were. And we kids didn't accept each other. We gleefully looked for faults to exploit so we could knock each other down to size. As I said, feral children.
I have also had a series of friends who have moved in and out of my life. But there have been a few who held onto me. I am grateful, because they have taught me. One is my best friend from college. She is going to come to Mom's birthday party next summer. Another is my college sweetheart. Both of them have been gifts in my life. I am grateful. I have remained close to someone I met just before getting pregnant the last time. And her husband is also a good friend. So there are certain people who have stayed with me, who I love a lot. But they have held onto me. In my favor - I allowed them to. But these relationships are not because I am healthy. I think because we moved so much we learned to cut relationships off. And because we didn't want people to know what happened in our house - we kept people at a distance, and so we don't form close, forever bonds. We create tenuous self-protective bonds.
So it's almost New Years. The holidays are almost over. I feel Grinchy being happy about that...and he was always your favorite, not mine!!
May your evening be sweet!
love from Clare
So I gave up. I don't have that Christmas anticipation any more. I don't try to make my favorite cookies - if I have time and money, I bake. I don't care if the house is fully decorated or even if we have a tree. Some years we make it. It looks great. Then there are the years like this year. Not so many decorations, so I lit lots of candles. I surrendered and understand my Christmas will never be good enough for House Beautiful. I simply don't feel Christmas coming until a day or two before, when I start thinking about menus...Since I have little emotional investment, I can relax and let go.
The holidays are easier. They have lost some of the magic, but we can't have everything.
I was talking to my best friend from college, and she has begun doing some research about the effects of media, television in particular, and the way we perceive what we are presented with. There is a portion of the brain that believes it all, even though, logically, we know it is a story. The two of us were discussing the effects on young girls' ( and older ones) perceptions of romance. But I think it must be equally true for our perceptions of holidays. I tried to watch a few of the holiday movies while furiously knitting Christmas gifts. There were at least two that were so schmaltzy that I had to turn them off. The movie was full of lights and gifts and decorations and stilettos and of course - true love at the end. Instead we are just more intensely ourselves at Christmas. Maybe that's why I disappear into loss of/lack of expectations of any kind of magic.
Am I getting old?
I am feeling mortal...
I think Mom, and even Dad had moments of insight about us. I remember Mom saying, "B#2 always..." something about the way her handled money. She did watch us - analyze us, to some extent. And Dad can be almost psychic about personalities. But I don't think their parenting style left much room for curiosity about us and who we were. And we kids didn't accept each other. We gleefully looked for faults to exploit so we could knock each other down to size. As I said, feral children.
I have also had a series of friends who have moved in and out of my life. But there have been a few who held onto me. I am grateful, because they have taught me. One is my best friend from college. She is going to come to Mom's birthday party next summer. Another is my college sweetheart. Both of them have been gifts in my life. I am grateful. I have remained close to someone I met just before getting pregnant the last time. And her husband is also a good friend. So there are certain people who have stayed with me, who I love a lot. But they have held onto me. In my favor - I allowed them to. But these relationships are not because I am healthy. I think because we moved so much we learned to cut relationships off. And because we didn't want people to know what happened in our house - we kept people at a distance, and so we don't form close, forever bonds. We create tenuous self-protective bonds.
So it's almost New Years. The holidays are almost over. I feel Grinchy being happy about that...and he was always your favorite, not mine!!
May your evening be sweet!
love from Clare
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
christmas is bittersweet
Christmas is bittersweet for me, it always has been.
I feel more alone on Christmas then any other day...despite being surrounded by my family.
I enjoy the preparation...the anticipation...
and I love sitting by myself in a candle-lit Meeting house in silence.
I dislike the morning gift opening...
my oldest keeps score to see who is getting what...she needs to stop caring about the 'score' and just appreciate the kindness and thought that was put into each gift.
I actually left the gift opening because they were bickering so badly...
I pointed out that nothing under the tree was a necessity...
everything was a want...
and could definitely be lived without...
so I asked them to think about how lucky they are to be so blessed.
The youngest came up to my room to see if I was OK...
he is definitely the one who watches over me...
Anyway things improved...but I still spent a good deal of the day quietly.
It is interesting that twist about our connections.
I also find myself flowing through a series of friends...
each for a period of time...and then they move out of my life...
smoothly transitioning to the next experience...
I don't believe that I have any friends actively engaged in my life for more than 5 years...
maybe one who has been in intermittently for about 10.
I find myself frustrated (with myself) that I don't maintain long term friendship...
but it isn't something that I am motivated to do...
so I have to accept that it is the way it is meant to be....
learn the lessons and then move ahead.
So, you asked if I had any surprises...
I has insight into the personalities of my kids that I hadn't before.
I have learned to love and accept them, as they are, but they fail to do that for each other.
I wonder how much of that went on in our house as we were growing up...
I wonder what insights our parents had about us as we grew...
I have a feeling that they were too busy making a living and getting by...
Love and blessings,
Maggie
I feel more alone on Christmas then any other day...despite being surrounded by my family.
I enjoy the preparation...the anticipation...
and I love sitting by myself in a candle-lit Meeting house in silence.
I dislike the morning gift opening...
my oldest keeps score to see who is getting what...she needs to stop caring about the 'score' and just appreciate the kindness and thought that was put into each gift.
I actually left the gift opening because they were bickering so badly...
I pointed out that nothing under the tree was a necessity...
everything was a want...
and could definitely be lived without...
so I asked them to think about how lucky they are to be so blessed.
The youngest came up to my room to see if I was OK...
he is definitely the one who watches over me...
Anyway things improved...but I still spent a good deal of the day quietly.
It is interesting that twist about our connections.
I also find myself flowing through a series of friends...
each for a period of time...and then they move out of my life...
smoothly transitioning to the next experience...
I don't believe that I have any friends actively engaged in my life for more than 5 years...
maybe one who has been in intermittently for about 10.
I find myself frustrated (with myself) that I don't maintain long term friendship...
but it isn't something that I am motivated to do...
so I have to accept that it is the way it is meant to be....
learn the lessons and then move ahead.
So, you asked if I had any surprises...
I has insight into the personalities of my kids that I hadn't before.
I have learned to love and accept them, as they are, but they fail to do that for each other.
I wonder how much of that went on in our house as we were growing up...
I wonder what insights our parents had about us as we grew...
I have a feeling that they were too busy making a living and getting by...
Love and blessings,
Maggie
Surviving Christmas
We made it through...we survived Christmas once again. With the little kids, there were moments of magic. And with my big kids there were moments of grace.
My friend's dog is here for the holidays. She often stays when my friend travels. I just had her and my dog out for an afternoon stroll and it is perfectly silent out there...and now, just now, the snow has begun to fall. We are supposed to get a lot of snow by tomorrow afternoon. Already I wonder - will it be packy snow for snowmen, or fly away snow for other activities. Sometimes I wish I had snow shoes or cross country skis. We do have sleds, and there are grandchildren, and so life continues to delight!
My pregnant daughter, enduring the rage of hormones all mamas know, had an emotional breakdown on Christmas Eve. Outwardly, it was about her clothes not fitting right. I even pregifted her with a new maternity top so she would have something new to wear. But she still cried. The real issue is her changing body and changing role. She has been the same size since she was 14, and getting bigger in a society that grades women on appearance is tough. And not being able to party with friends, especially when the father can really hurts...there is an isolation she did not know before.
So she went off on me. I know children do that in a time and with a person who makes them feel safe. But I worked 20 days in a row, then rushed to prepare Christmas. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and saw Grandma's face looking back at me. I looked tired, enduring, emotionless...I sent up a silent question wondering who made her feel this way, look this way. That was a truly family Christmas moment.
She apologized. I talked about her more adult role, and she had to be careful how she used me. I can be a sympathetic ear, a shoulder - but I really don't want to be the garbage can.
I have been getting an impulse to start running. I have been dreaming about running. I have not run since before I had my oldest baby. I know I can walk six or more miles. Well, except that I went to work with my oldest daughter because she had some chores to do on Christmas Eve. Walking across campus with her alerted me to the fact that I stroll! So I can stroll six miles or more...I don't know if I can run anymore. I don;t know if my knees can take it. I don't know where this impulse is coming from, but it's getting annoyingly loud. When I was in college I ran two miles a day four or five times a week, and I did a four mile loop once a week. I could run, but even then I was not an impressive athlete!
It feels like a leading...I wonder if I can get past reluctance to follow...
How was your Christmas? Did you receive any great surprises??
I love you...see you soon here in blogland, I hope!!
Clare
My friend's dog is here for the holidays. She often stays when my friend travels. I just had her and my dog out for an afternoon stroll and it is perfectly silent out there...and now, just now, the snow has begun to fall. We are supposed to get a lot of snow by tomorrow afternoon. Already I wonder - will it be packy snow for snowmen, or fly away snow for other activities. Sometimes I wish I had snow shoes or cross country skis. We do have sleds, and there are grandchildren, and so life continues to delight!
My pregnant daughter, enduring the rage of hormones all mamas know, had an emotional breakdown on Christmas Eve. Outwardly, it was about her clothes not fitting right. I even pregifted her with a new maternity top so she would have something new to wear. But she still cried. The real issue is her changing body and changing role. She has been the same size since she was 14, and getting bigger in a society that grades women on appearance is tough. And not being able to party with friends, especially when the father can really hurts...there is an isolation she did not know before.
So she went off on me. I know children do that in a time and with a person who makes them feel safe. But I worked 20 days in a row, then rushed to prepare Christmas. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and saw Grandma's face looking back at me. I looked tired, enduring, emotionless...I sent up a silent question wondering who made her feel this way, look this way. That was a truly family Christmas moment.
She apologized. I talked about her more adult role, and she had to be careful how she used me. I can be a sympathetic ear, a shoulder - but I really don't want to be the garbage can.
I have been getting an impulse to start running. I have been dreaming about running. I have not run since before I had my oldest baby. I know I can walk six or more miles. Well, except that I went to work with my oldest daughter because she had some chores to do on Christmas Eve. Walking across campus with her alerted me to the fact that I stroll! So I can stroll six miles or more...I don't know if I can run anymore. I don;t know if my knees can take it. I don't know where this impulse is coming from, but it's getting annoyingly loud. When I was in college I ran two miles a day four or five times a week, and I did a four mile loop once a week. I could run, but even then I was not an impressive athlete!
It feels like a leading...I wonder if I can get past reluctance to follow...
How was your Christmas? Did you receive any great surprises??
I love you...see you soon here in blogland, I hope!!
Clare
Monday, December 24, 2012
Joy!
I love that song. I usually play it on Christmas. When I wrote for the paper, my editor would publish the lyrics in the Christmas edition every year.
It has been a long day. I was up early, cleaning. Went shopping with my oldest. Cooked. Everyone was here for dinner - I love it when my house is full of laughter and noise. Then I had to clean up, prep foods for tomorrow - and in classic tradition - finish the last project on the needles. I knitted a pair of slippers for my granddaughter. I'm done. It's quiet. It's snowing and in 5 minutes, it will be Christmas. Merry Christmas little sister! I hope yours is beautiful.
I had one of those twisting thoughts, and I am not sure I can make sense of it. But I was thinking about my wanting to be part of the family, even though it's a tenuous relationship compared to you who prefers a break for your own sanity. Then I was thinking about your history of staying in relationships compared to me. I had a talk with someone whose marriage is ending this week, discussing options - including living/working in another country. I considered that I don't mind being alone. I don't mind going places alone. The person I was talking to noted that he does not like not having someone with him.
Just before my 50th birthday, a favorite musician came to perform. I went by myself. A few people thought I was sad or crazy, a few offered to go with me. None of them LOVE this guy. I didn't want to sit and worry that those with me were tolerating the performance for my sake. I was so content to be alone and to relax and love the concert.
I wonder if maybe you are more like the guy I was talking to - you prefer to have companions. And since I don't care one way or the other, I am more content in our family...Just a strange thought...
But you are right. We are connected because we are both part of the collective conscious. And maybe that is what family is supposed to model for us, so we can find and recognize that collective humanity. Instead, we hide...we are afraid...
I am glad that I have made you happy this year. I have loved doing this with you. Some days I check over and over, wondering what you are going to have to share with me. I have been so excited by some of what has emerged. We were connected as kids. I am glad we reconnected as adults.
May you have the gifts of peace and of wisdom and of joy. You have my love and gratitude.
Joy!
Clare
It has been a long day. I was up early, cleaning. Went shopping with my oldest. Cooked. Everyone was here for dinner - I love it when my house is full of laughter and noise. Then I had to clean up, prep foods for tomorrow - and in classic tradition - finish the last project on the needles. I knitted a pair of slippers for my granddaughter. I'm done. It's quiet. It's snowing and in 5 minutes, it will be Christmas. Merry Christmas little sister! I hope yours is beautiful.
I had one of those twisting thoughts, and I am not sure I can make sense of it. But I was thinking about my wanting to be part of the family, even though it's a tenuous relationship compared to you who prefers a break for your own sanity. Then I was thinking about your history of staying in relationships compared to me. I had a talk with someone whose marriage is ending this week, discussing options - including living/working in another country. I considered that I don't mind being alone. I don't mind going places alone. The person I was talking to noted that he does not like not having someone with him.
Just before my 50th birthday, a favorite musician came to perform. I went by myself. A few people thought I was sad or crazy, a few offered to go with me. None of them LOVE this guy. I didn't want to sit and worry that those with me were tolerating the performance for my sake. I was so content to be alone and to relax and love the concert.
I wonder if maybe you are more like the guy I was talking to - you prefer to have companions. And since I don't care one way or the other, I am more content in our family...Just a strange thought...
But you are right. We are connected because we are both part of the collective conscious. And maybe that is what family is supposed to model for us, so we can find and recognize that collective humanity. Instead, we hide...we are afraid...
I am glad that I have made you happy this year. I have loved doing this with you. Some days I check over and over, wondering what you are going to have to share with me. I have been so excited by some of what has emerged. We were connected as kids. I am glad we reconnected as adults.
May you have the gifts of peace and of wisdom and of joy. You have my love and gratitude.
Joy!
Clare
Happy Christmas, Wynn Helig
Clare,
For some reason I woke up with this song in my head...and it was the unfortunate lyrics of There is no peace on earth I said..for hate is strong and it mocks the song of peace on earth good will to men.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882), 1867
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."
Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!
I am sure that there is a caste system here as well...
and the disturbing concept that is wrapped up in that system is this...
The poor suffer here so they have their ticket to heaven if they endure in silence,
the rich need the poor for charitable works so they can earn their way into heaven.
Don't think that I am agreeing with this concept...only sharing it.
We will never find peace until we recognize that we cannot control anyone besides our self.
The power and control that we impose upon others...
by abuse or sanctions or war or any number of fear based activities...
is maintaining our disconnect.
Last week, after the school shootings I searched for a quote to describe my sadness...
and I found words from Mother Theresa,
" If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another."
We all are intimately joined at the level of the collective consciousness...the level of the soul...I envision one complete soul...not billions of separate souls...that we either 'tap into' or distance ourselves from it. Intimacy (not sexual) is the scariest thing for us humans...and yet it is the path to peace
As for the connection to family...I appreciate what you are saying...but cannot find those same feelings in my heart.
I long to belong...
but realize that I have never really belonged to the Delana culture.
I learned great lessons from them. I feel as if I have also taught them lessons along the way. Your example of B#1 trying to convert you to a "Christian" is a perfect example...
you can rejoin the fold, if you change who you are and become one of us.
I was given the gift of my own uniqueness by the divine...the greatest 'sin' I could ever commit would be to deny my true self. If living a radical truth like that means that I have no 'kin' I choose to be myself. I have struggled with this for a long time.
I used to cry because the only time my siblings talked to me was to borrow...
I remember telling Mom once that they don't care about me...
just my ability to help them out of a tight spot.
I loved helping and giving, not expecting repayment...
I truly believe in the idea of 'pay it forward'...
I just wanted them to love and accept me as Maggie...
and share good times as well as hardship...not have to buy their attention.
As I was looking for the earlier quote I found another that seems appropriate for this entry, also be Mother Theresa,
"We think that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty."
I don't believe in heaven or hell as a destination...
I believe that they are states of mind.
The disconnect that pervades our world is hell...
it is the separation of our mind and body from the soul.
I have had glimpses of heaven...
moments when I have been connected to that collective soul...
they are indescribable moments that have transformed my thinking.
So to go back to the beginning of this post...
I long to belong to the Collective not to the Delana clan...
I am forever grateful for their lessons...
I wish them peace and love...
I hope that they can find the courage to allow Light to enter their corners of darkness...
and I will be forever connected through the Collective.
The song above ends with hope...
but interestingly enough I have not heard this song played on the radio once this season...
that makes me sad.
I did get my nap...it was wonderful.
Today I make sweet rolls...
Grammy's recipe...there is a connection there...
and look forward to an hour or so tonight in a candle lit Meeting house...
and then Church with my family.
I wish you all of the love and peace this world offers. I cherish the gift that you give me here, day in and day out...your truth...insight...wisdom...love...and acceptance of Maggie - just the way she is! I love you. And know that I offer you all of the same, to the best of my ability.
Blessings to you and your beautiful family,
Maggie
For some reason I woke up with this song in my head...and it was the unfortunate lyrics of There is no peace on earth I said..for hate is strong and it mocks the song of peace on earth good will to men.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882), 1867
I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."
Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!
I am sure that there is a caste system here as well...
and the disturbing concept that is wrapped up in that system is this...
The poor suffer here so they have their ticket to heaven if they endure in silence,
the rich need the poor for charitable works so they can earn their way into heaven.
Don't think that I am agreeing with this concept...only sharing it.
We will never find peace until we recognize that we cannot control anyone besides our self.
The power and control that we impose upon others...
by abuse or sanctions or war or any number of fear based activities...
is maintaining our disconnect.
Last week, after the school shootings I searched for a quote to describe my sadness...
and I found words from Mother Theresa,
" If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another."
We all are intimately joined at the level of the collective consciousness...the level of the soul...I envision one complete soul...not billions of separate souls...that we either 'tap into' or distance ourselves from it. Intimacy (not sexual) is the scariest thing for us humans...and yet it is the path to peace
As for the connection to family...I appreciate what you are saying...but cannot find those same feelings in my heart.
I long to belong...
but realize that I have never really belonged to the Delana culture.
I learned great lessons from them. I feel as if I have also taught them lessons along the way. Your example of B#1 trying to convert you to a "Christian" is a perfect example...
you can rejoin the fold, if you change who you are and become one of us.
I was given the gift of my own uniqueness by the divine...the greatest 'sin' I could ever commit would be to deny my true self. If living a radical truth like that means that I have no 'kin' I choose to be myself. I have struggled with this for a long time.
I used to cry because the only time my siblings talked to me was to borrow...
I remember telling Mom once that they don't care about me...
just my ability to help them out of a tight spot.
I loved helping and giving, not expecting repayment...
I truly believe in the idea of 'pay it forward'...
I just wanted them to love and accept me as Maggie...
and share good times as well as hardship...not have to buy their attention.
As I was looking for the earlier quote I found another that seems appropriate for this entry, also be Mother Theresa,
"We think that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty."
I don't believe in heaven or hell as a destination...
I believe that they are states of mind.
The disconnect that pervades our world is hell...
it is the separation of our mind and body from the soul.
I have had glimpses of heaven...
moments when I have been connected to that collective soul...
they are indescribable moments that have transformed my thinking.
So to go back to the beginning of this post...
I long to belong to the Collective not to the Delana clan...
I am forever grateful for their lessons...
I wish them peace and love...
I hope that they can find the courage to allow Light to enter their corners of darkness...
and I will be forever connected through the Collective.
The song above ends with hope...
but interestingly enough I have not heard this song played on the radio once this season...
that makes me sad.
I did get my nap...it was wonderful.
Today I make sweet rolls...
Grammy's recipe...there is a connection there...
and look forward to an hour or so tonight in a candle lit Meeting house...
and then Church with my family.
I wish you all of the love and peace this world offers. I cherish the gift that you give me here, day in and day out...your truth...insight...wisdom...love...and acceptance of Maggie - just the way she is! I love you. And know that I offer you all of the same, to the best of my ability.
Blessings to you and your beautiful family,
Maggie
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Gud Yul
I always have a hard time knowing what Jesus really said, and what it meant. The Bible has been rewritten and retranslated so many times I have no idea where the truth lies.
I saw a beautiful little blurb explaining that in a specific African tribe, if someone does something wrong, everyone in the group surrounds him and reminds him of every good thing he has ever done until he remembers who he is. That is so at odds of this leave them behind behavior of our religion, of our culture. I have a friend who talks of the concept of "Chosen Family." I don't know. We can't cling to our abusers. We can not allow those who tell us we are inferior to continue to do that. But we are born together to learn from each other...We need to be bound by love and acceptance and seeing the value of each, rather than being bound by violence. I am reminded of my ex's fraternity paddle. "Brothers" endured abuse knowing they would be allowed to abuse the next year's pledges. They were bound through violence...
I don't want to stay in the pain of our family dynamics. But as I move forward, I want to leave a trail, be connected by the strange, distant love we share...or strange, distant connections...
More than once, B#1 has called me, and in the course of conversation asked me to get a Bible. He then leads me through trying to get me to...be like him. If I am not like him, I am bound for hell - for an eternity of pain and suffering. He hasn't done this for a few years. I suppose he has given up on my obstinate soul!
I had my grandson here for overnight. I love that little boy so much. He just opens and moves my heart. And he's turning into such a boy! He ate chili with gusto when I explained it would help him fart!
At one point he was pushing a chair across the floor. My daughter and her friend had moved a pole lamp into the usual path, trying to improve the lighting for a photo. The little guy pushed the chair into the lamp, which tipped over and of course there was a lot of ruckus. No one scolded him and the lamp still works. My grandson was hiding and saying he wanted his mommy. I don't know how much that is stage and how much it is from being in day care a few times recently, but this is new - and not the first time. But I flashed back to watching my older grandson for a week, and he announced to his mom. "And I was good." The way he said it made me think someone told him he was bad. Then I was thinking about the way we tell kids they are bad. I felt, simultaneously adult and child - child retreating into fear and silence because I am bad, I do things wrong, I am not good enough, I am a problem...And I was thinking about this time of year - Santa will come if you are good. If you are bad - you do not deserve.
Finally my thoughts were back to a realization I had a few years ago. We do have a caste system in the US. We rank each other by class, or by wealth. If two people commit the same offense, the richer/whiter will have a good lawyer and will have their fingers slapped. The poorer/darker will become a body to fill the corporate prison business. We have the underlying belief that if God loves you, you have money. If God does not love you, you are poor. We would deny this with our words - but the most important lesson I learned from my marriage is - watch what people do, do not listen to what they say. By our actions in this culture, we prove time and time again that only the rich are worthy and good.
And maybe it starts with Santa - he brings gifts to good children. No gifts/few gifts - you are not as worthy as the others...
Yeah, and all the Christmas shows are making me cry this year. Open hearts and vulnerability are so beautiful, it reduces me to emotional tears...
Hope I am not ruining anyone's Christmas cheer. I am looking forward to having family here and spending time together for the next few days. I am maintaining open heart.
I love you!
Clare
I saw a beautiful little blurb explaining that in a specific African tribe, if someone does something wrong, everyone in the group surrounds him and reminds him of every good thing he has ever done until he remembers who he is. That is so at odds of this leave them behind behavior of our religion, of our culture. I have a friend who talks of the concept of "Chosen Family." I don't know. We can't cling to our abusers. We can not allow those who tell us we are inferior to continue to do that. But we are born together to learn from each other...We need to be bound by love and acceptance and seeing the value of each, rather than being bound by violence. I am reminded of my ex's fraternity paddle. "Brothers" endured abuse knowing they would be allowed to abuse the next year's pledges. They were bound through violence...
I don't want to stay in the pain of our family dynamics. But as I move forward, I want to leave a trail, be connected by the strange, distant love we share...or strange, distant connections...
More than once, B#1 has called me, and in the course of conversation asked me to get a Bible. He then leads me through trying to get me to...be like him. If I am not like him, I am bound for hell - for an eternity of pain and suffering. He hasn't done this for a few years. I suppose he has given up on my obstinate soul!
I had my grandson here for overnight. I love that little boy so much. He just opens and moves my heart. And he's turning into such a boy! He ate chili with gusto when I explained it would help him fart!
At one point he was pushing a chair across the floor. My daughter and her friend had moved a pole lamp into the usual path, trying to improve the lighting for a photo. The little guy pushed the chair into the lamp, which tipped over and of course there was a lot of ruckus. No one scolded him and the lamp still works. My grandson was hiding and saying he wanted his mommy. I don't know how much that is stage and how much it is from being in day care a few times recently, but this is new - and not the first time. But I flashed back to watching my older grandson for a week, and he announced to his mom. "And I was good." The way he said it made me think someone told him he was bad. Then I was thinking about the way we tell kids they are bad. I felt, simultaneously adult and child - child retreating into fear and silence because I am bad, I do things wrong, I am not good enough, I am a problem...And I was thinking about this time of year - Santa will come if you are good. If you are bad - you do not deserve.
Finally my thoughts were back to a realization I had a few years ago. We do have a caste system in the US. We rank each other by class, or by wealth. If two people commit the same offense, the richer/whiter will have a good lawyer and will have their fingers slapped. The poorer/darker will become a body to fill the corporate prison business. We have the underlying belief that if God loves you, you have money. If God does not love you, you are poor. We would deny this with our words - but the most important lesson I learned from my marriage is - watch what people do, do not listen to what they say. By our actions in this culture, we prove time and time again that only the rich are worthy and good.
And maybe it starts with Santa - he brings gifts to good children. No gifts/few gifts - you are not as worthy as the others...
Yeah, and all the Christmas shows are making me cry this year. Open hearts and vulnerability are so beautiful, it reduces me to emotional tears...
Hope I am not ruining anyone's Christmas cheer. I am looking forward to having family here and spending time together for the next few days. I am maintaining open heart.
I love you!
Clare
Still waiting for that long winter's nap
I am tired today as well.
At our Meeting we have a Christmas program for an hour prior to Meeting for Worship and also a special "Tea" (glorified potluck) after. I had the responsibility of planning and organizing the program, and a Quaker Choir.
It was a bit disorganized at the beginning...people showing up late and not fully prepared...
but once it got rolling it was fine.
We sang Dona Nobis Pacem and A Song of Peace...
they were beautiful...although daughter #2 said we need to stop singing the Dona Nobis Pacem round with the whole community...it got a little off but it includes everyone actively.
I have to think about the roots a little more...
I need to consider it in the context of Jesus' saying "these are not my mother and brothers...it is those who follow me who are my family."
Are we meant to cling to our specific family or become part of the greater whole of humanity?
I do feel as if I need to cut off/disconnect from some of the negative elements in our lineage...
I can't hold on to the pain and suffering and move forward into maturity and health while holding onto those roots. I am not sure if its the people...but it is definitely the actions and attitudes that need to be severed.
Off to make Christmas cookies...
Enjoy your family time,
Maggie
At our Meeting we have a Christmas program for an hour prior to Meeting for Worship and also a special "Tea" (glorified potluck) after. I had the responsibility of planning and organizing the program, and a Quaker Choir.
It was a bit disorganized at the beginning...people showing up late and not fully prepared...
but once it got rolling it was fine.
We sang Dona Nobis Pacem and A Song of Peace...
they were beautiful...although daughter #2 said we need to stop singing the Dona Nobis Pacem round with the whole community...it got a little off but it includes everyone actively.
I have to think about the roots a little more...
I need to consider it in the context of Jesus' saying "these are not my mother and brothers...it is those who follow me who are my family."
Are we meant to cling to our specific family or become part of the greater whole of humanity?
I do feel as if I need to cut off/disconnect from some of the negative elements in our lineage...
I can't hold on to the pain and suffering and move forward into maturity and health while holding onto those roots. I am not sure if its the people...but it is definitely the actions and attitudes that need to be severed.
Off to make Christmas cookies...
Enjoy your family time,
Maggie
Friday, December 21, 2012
I'm tired, and other whines
I am tired. One more day - I have to work tomorrow, then I have four days off. I will have my grandson tomorrow night. Between my work schedule and the diseases going around and time with the other grandparents, I haven't seen my kids for a few weeks - and I miss them. He came in tonight for about 10 minutes and I got hugs. I feel more complete now!
I am his roots. When he becomes the trunk, when he has children, I am his roots. I don't want to be cut off. And I don't want to be cut off from Grammy or Grandmom. They have walked this road with us, and they have given us the strength and wisdom to go forward. I don't want to be cut off from Mom and Dad. I don't want to lose you. We are connected. I don't want to cut the roots. I want to straighten them out - to untangle them. I want to let the sap flow, to let the life-blood flow, to let the love flow. I want to be part of a people.
Maybe it will never happen. Maybe some of us will choose to remain safely tangled, and cradled in memory loss, history revision, alcohol induced fog. But some of us will get back into the flow, with our hearts open wide, waiting to welcome the others when they awaken and to support and love the ones who don't. I know I am not healed yet. I am not healthy - but I am closer. And when I burst forth, truly alive - I can't wait to see who's there to greet me.
I am not feeling the holidays yet. I think we'll be putting up a tree tomorrow. We will be making cookies. A friend will be here to help - which will be fun. Everyone, including the ex, but excluding the west coasters will be here on Christmas Eve. Then my youngest told me we have a tradition of drinking a glass of wine and watching the Charlie Brown Christmas show after they are gone. I didn't know it was a tradition, but I do know that if a child identifies it as a tradition - it.s a tradition!!
Someday we should sing together.
I have been carrying my notebook around. I woke up at 4:00 am, wide awake - writing in my head. So I sat up, turned on the light and jotted the ideas down. I have so much inside of me that needs to be on paper. I need time!
I also need to change my diet. I need to go gluten-free for awhile. I know I am sensitive, and I need to find out what happens to my body without flour and gluten. I also need to get back to vegetarian eating. I only eat poultry now - but my conscience won't allow it. It's that George Fox moment - "Wear it as long as you can." I think I am there.
Enjoy being in the presence of your wonderful children. I love you!
Clare
I am his roots. When he becomes the trunk, when he has children, I am his roots. I don't want to be cut off. And I don't want to be cut off from Grammy or Grandmom. They have walked this road with us, and they have given us the strength and wisdom to go forward. I don't want to be cut off from Mom and Dad. I don't want to lose you. We are connected. I don't want to cut the roots. I want to straighten them out - to untangle them. I want to let the sap flow, to let the life-blood flow, to let the love flow. I want to be part of a people.
Maybe it will never happen. Maybe some of us will choose to remain safely tangled, and cradled in memory loss, history revision, alcohol induced fog. But some of us will get back into the flow, with our hearts open wide, waiting to welcome the others when they awaken and to support and love the ones who don't. I know I am not healed yet. I am not healthy - but I am closer. And when I burst forth, truly alive - I can't wait to see who's there to greet me.
I am not feeling the holidays yet. I think we'll be putting up a tree tomorrow. We will be making cookies. A friend will be here to help - which will be fun. Everyone, including the ex, but excluding the west coasters will be here on Christmas Eve. Then my youngest told me we have a tradition of drinking a glass of wine and watching the Charlie Brown Christmas show after they are gone. I didn't know it was a tradition, but I do know that if a child identifies it as a tradition - it.s a tradition!!
Someday we should sing together.
I have been carrying my notebook around. I woke up at 4:00 am, wide awake - writing in my head. So I sat up, turned on the light and jotted the ideas down. I have so much inside of me that needs to be on paper. I need time!
I also need to change my diet. I need to go gluten-free for awhile. I know I am sensitive, and I need to find out what happens to my body without flour and gluten. I also need to get back to vegetarian eating. I only eat poultry now - but my conscience won't allow it. It's that George Fox moment - "Wear it as long as you can." I think I am there.
Enjoy being in the presence of your wonderful children. I love you!
Clare
Wanted: one long winter's nap
I am intrigued by the connection in the family tree...
the connection between roots and limbs.
I keep coming back to the Gnostic gospel that advised people to cut off their roots that held them down...
the pain and suffering of our early life...
the pain and suffering of our ancestors...
But if we cut roots don't we lose stability and connection?
Or are we striving for a higher connection with the divine?
My girls came home yesterday...
2 weeks with everyone home...
peace and chaos intermittently and simultaneously.
I have noticed the oldest isn't as severe with the youngest so far...
hopefully our discussion/journaling over Thanksgiving have deepened her appreciation of him.
Christmas is upon us...the presents are purchased and wrapped...no cookies have been baked...it's safer that way because I eat less of them...the kids are all done with school...and we can take a much deserved "long winter's nap".
I am singing at Meeting this Sunday...
with a group of people...
I haven't sang publicly in about 2 and a half years...
it feels really good to sing.
It frees me in a way that other things fail to.
I have had the opportunity to allow the spirit to sing through me in the past...
it was very moving and transformative.
I need to pursue music again...once I graduate I should have more time.
Time to snuggle up on the couch with a book.
Love and Light,
Maggie
the connection between roots and limbs.
I keep coming back to the Gnostic gospel that advised people to cut off their roots that held them down...
the pain and suffering of our early life...
the pain and suffering of our ancestors...
But if we cut roots don't we lose stability and connection?
Or are we striving for a higher connection with the divine?
My girls came home yesterday...
2 weeks with everyone home...
peace and chaos intermittently and simultaneously.
I have noticed the oldest isn't as severe with the youngest so far...
hopefully our discussion/journaling over Thanksgiving have deepened her appreciation of him.
Christmas is upon us...the presents are purchased and wrapped...no cookies have been baked...it's safer that way because I eat less of them...the kids are all done with school...and we can take a much deserved "long winter's nap".
I am singing at Meeting this Sunday...
with a group of people...
I haven't sang publicly in about 2 and a half years...
it feels really good to sing.
It frees me in a way that other things fail to.
I have had the opportunity to allow the spirit to sing through me in the past...
it was very moving and transformative.
I need to pursue music again...once I graduate I should have more time.
Time to snuggle up on the couch with a book.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Trees
I read the Tree of Life info, and bookmarked the page so I can go back when I have time. The weird thing is that I had a dream about trees last night. I was walking with a friend in a village near here - he actually lives there. I looked up at the trees and noticed that instead of leaves, they had raw chicken legs. I don't even know where to begin! Our conversation was typical of what we would talk about during waking life.
I also see the family tree. In that image, I get to be the trunk connected to both roots and limbs. I like that I am the connector.
Whenever I am in a relationship I am very monogamous. And I wait a long time between relationships - this was even back when I was actively dating. I let one relationship end before I began another. One of my dearest friends is never monogamous, and those involved with her know this, so it is not a moral problem. It is simply another way of exploring relationships and sexuality. We had a very long talk one day and realized that although we started at opposite sides of the spectrum, we came to the same conclusions about intimacy, fear of intimacy, becoming vulnerable if we want real connection.
Kind of reminded me of you staying in relationships and me being afraid to go into one. We are exploring trust and vulnerability issues from opposite sides of the spectrum. One way or the other, we learn! And all ways are viable - as long as everyone knows what is going on and no one is being emotionally eviscerated.
The Amish do have a culture of community. People who belong, seem to belong absolutely. They know where they belong, who to turn to. I think that communal joy and power and attachment gave them the strength to truly mourn and forgive. Blaming, anger, victimhood are not really mourning. Feeling the pain and the loss - that is mourning. We do anything to avoid feeling this raw. And so we fight about whether guns are good or not.
I can't to hear the responses to your letter. Please share as soon as it happens.
I do want to write. There is so much I have to say. I need the gift of time! After the holidays...I hope!
I am working until Saturday afternoon. Then I hope to put up a tree, and bake cookies. I'm squishing Christmas in. Someday, maybe we'll celebrate!
Just another part of your question - Why are we so determined to be one of a kind rugged individualists, then so afraid of having everyone notice for being unique and successfull? I notice fear of success as quite an ingrained family pattern, even with in-laws...I know I am afraid of success. Once I thought that if I am really a good, wise, successful person, then Dad lied. If he lied about that, what else did he lie about...and so I never succeed, never shine - because it could prove my whole existence is a sham. You know?
I will admit this - I listened to a lecture by a Mayan about what will happen this week. He said we will be in direct line with the center of the galaxy for 8 minutes, but that it would be like a full moon, where we notice and feel the effects for three days. He said we should expect to be inspired. His recommendation was to carry a pen and notebook everywhere from December 21 - 23, and write down all the inspired thoughts. Afterwards - act on them! I plan to do this. I feel a little gullible and silly, but I am still going to do this!!
Time for dinner...love to you and your family...
...Clare
I also see the family tree. In that image, I get to be the trunk connected to both roots and limbs. I like that I am the connector.
Whenever I am in a relationship I am very monogamous. And I wait a long time between relationships - this was even back when I was actively dating. I let one relationship end before I began another. One of my dearest friends is never monogamous, and those involved with her know this, so it is not a moral problem. It is simply another way of exploring relationships and sexuality. We had a very long talk one day and realized that although we started at opposite sides of the spectrum, we came to the same conclusions about intimacy, fear of intimacy, becoming vulnerable if we want real connection.
Kind of reminded me of you staying in relationships and me being afraid to go into one. We are exploring trust and vulnerability issues from opposite sides of the spectrum. One way or the other, we learn! And all ways are viable - as long as everyone knows what is going on and no one is being emotionally eviscerated.
The Amish do have a culture of community. People who belong, seem to belong absolutely. They know where they belong, who to turn to. I think that communal joy and power and attachment gave them the strength to truly mourn and forgive. Blaming, anger, victimhood are not really mourning. Feeling the pain and the loss - that is mourning. We do anything to avoid feeling this raw. And so we fight about whether guns are good or not.
I can't to hear the responses to your letter. Please share as soon as it happens.
I do want to write. There is so much I have to say. I need the gift of time! After the holidays...I hope!
I am working until Saturday afternoon. Then I hope to put up a tree, and bake cookies. I'm squishing Christmas in. Someday, maybe we'll celebrate!
Just another part of your question - Why are we so determined to be one of a kind rugged individualists, then so afraid of having everyone notice for being unique and successfull? I notice fear of success as quite an ingrained family pattern, even with in-laws...I know I am afraid of success. Once I thought that if I am really a good, wise, successful person, then Dad lied. If he lied about that, what else did he lie about...and so I never succeed, never shine - because it could prove my whole existence is a sham. You know?
I will admit this - I listened to a lecture by a Mayan about what will happen this week. He said we will be in direct line with the center of the galaxy for 8 minutes, but that it would be like a full moon, where we notice and feel the effects for three days. He said we should expect to be inspired. His recommendation was to carry a pen and notebook everywhere from December 21 - 23, and write down all the inspired thoughts. Afterwards - act on them! I plan to do this. I feel a little gullible and silly, but I am still going to do this!!
Time for dinner...love to you and your family...
...Clare
Fighting trust all the way...
Today I was researching a little about the Jewish Tree of Life or Sefirot, for my paper and was struck by the spiritual symbolism of the tree.
I found a wonderful comparison of the symbolism from diverse spiritualities at http://www.treeoflifeteachings.com/tree-of-life/
I thought it might offer you some insight into your identification with trees.
So, today I found myself weeping for the young lives that are lost and wasted. I am also weighted by the grief of the survivors. I had this same feeling after 9/11. I pray for the victims, but more ardently for the survivors to find peace and reconciliation. I heard Don Kraybill speak about the Amish reaction to the Nickle Mines, PA massacre of the Amish schoolgirls. He spoke of Grace and the ability of the Amish to transcend the tragedy and offer support and forgiveness to the family of the shooter. It was as if they understood his deep sickness and forgave the actions that took their children's lives. He wrote that the "collective and radical forgiveness" shocked a world so quick to demand justice and exact revenge.
The book concludes with some incredible insights;
Despite the lack of higher education Amish are self sufficient, stable, community centered people who rarely break the law or divorce.
They live with limits and feel that living within limits is the "foundation of wisdom".
Life without limits can lead to arrogance, conceit and self-destruction.
Limits allow community, a sense of belonging and connection and helps to shape identity.
Why have we left behind this sense of the importance of connection and community? Why do we buy into rugged individualism? Because we are so deeply hurt in our development, by those entrusted to raise and nurture us, that we cannot allow ourselves to depend upon another. We cannot allow ourselves to be hurt and disappointed once again.
So we feign relationship...find someone who is equally disabled and will complement our charade and we will do the same for them.
To answer your question from 2 days ago, I am trying desperately to create real relationship...
but it is the hardest things I have ever done.
I find myself sabotaging efforts to trust...my own efforts are being booby-trapped to end in disappointment so that I can say,"see I knew I couldn't trust you."
I do want to open to this though...
My wise friend tells me that it is my destiny...
but it is a battle...every step of the way I fight it.
It is just too damned scary to be that present to someone...but within that relationship lies the path to the fulfillment of my journey.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
I found a wonderful comparison of the symbolism from diverse spiritualities at http://www.treeoflifeteachings.com/tree-of-life/
I thought it might offer you some insight into your identification with trees.
So, today I found myself weeping for the young lives that are lost and wasted. I am also weighted by the grief of the survivors. I had this same feeling after 9/11. I pray for the victims, but more ardently for the survivors to find peace and reconciliation. I heard Don Kraybill speak about the Amish reaction to the Nickle Mines, PA massacre of the Amish schoolgirls. He spoke of Grace and the ability of the Amish to transcend the tragedy and offer support and forgiveness to the family of the shooter. It was as if they understood his deep sickness and forgave the actions that took their children's lives. He wrote that the "collective and radical forgiveness" shocked a world so quick to demand justice and exact revenge.
The book concludes with some incredible insights;
Despite the lack of higher education Amish are self sufficient, stable, community centered people who rarely break the law or divorce.
They live with limits and feel that living within limits is the "foundation of wisdom".
Life without limits can lead to arrogance, conceit and self-destruction.
Limits allow community, a sense of belonging and connection and helps to shape identity.
Why have we left behind this sense of the importance of connection and community? Why do we buy into rugged individualism? Because we are so deeply hurt in our development, by those entrusted to raise and nurture us, that we cannot allow ourselves to depend upon another. We cannot allow ourselves to be hurt and disappointed once again.
So we feign relationship...find someone who is equally disabled and will complement our charade and we will do the same for them.
To answer your question from 2 days ago, I am trying desperately to create real relationship...
but it is the hardest things I have ever done.
I find myself sabotaging efforts to trust...my own efforts are being booby-trapped to end in disappointment so that I can say,"see I knew I couldn't trust you."
I do want to open to this though...
My wise friend tells me that it is my destiny...
but it is a battle...every step of the way I fight it.
It is just too damned scary to be that present to someone...but within that relationship lies the path to the fulfillment of my journey.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
acting on intuition
Clare,
If you are moved to write, then write.
I am editing a paper that I have written about the link between stress and disease...
If you are moved to write, then write.
I am editing a paper that I have written about the link between stress and disease...
looking from a holistic (bio-psycho social spiritual) perspective.
I am afraid to submit it for publication, even though I recognize that it is timely and necessary.
I keep telling myself that I need a co-author, with a PhD, to legitimize it in the Social Work Journals...
The truth is that I am frightened to stand alone.
Like Brene Brown when she said that she flew just under the radar and was comfortable.
I don't expect kudos...but I am afraid of the possibilities.
I reached out to an influential woman yesterday, and asked her for guidance.
I have never met her, but my professor told me that I should make a connection.
It was uncomfortable, but I received the most gracious letter asking when we could meet to discuss my future plans...it felt good.
I am also sending a letter tomorrow to the director of a child protection agency...
telling him my credentials, experiences and interests...
asking if he can use my services at his agency...
it would be an opportunity to connect the medical, biology and social work.
I heard him on NPR describing his work and felt compelled to reach out.
I know that whatever happens is the opening that I am waiting for.
I guess what I am saying is that we can have all of the good intentions...
even those that will change the world.
If we fail to act on the intuitions then we fail to achieve the good that was being channeled.
So I will use my "cake frosting" method as usual...
I say the hardest stuff first ...like plopping the frosting on top of the cake...
then I explain what I mean...smoothing it across the top and over the sides.
If I say the tough stuff, then I don't stop myself from fear, or 'sugar coat' my words and ultimately fail to communicate what it is that I want to say.
I will send the letter tomorrow morning, before I second guess myself.
I will complete my edits and submit my article for publication.
And then I'll have a breakdown waiting for the responses...
I love you.
I will check in tomorrow...
Maggie
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Churning thoughts
I have a friend who has visited Iraq as a member of Peace Teams International. She carries photos of her two daughters. When she meets women, and because there is a language barrier, she shows them her daughters. She invites them to show their children. That is our connection. That is the Me, too. When I reveal that I have children I am sharing a basic truth and a core vulnerability in my existence. I have children. I am vested in the safety and health and well-being of this world.
I have been feeling inspired to write by the shocking violence around me. I block myself by thinking there is no market for what I write. When did I start judging myself by commercial value? Something new to consider...
I agree that stories are central and vital. And the deepest, most blest gift we can give anyone is listening. By listening to another I am validating their whole existence. I am saying: You are worth it! You are worth my time and attention. What you have seen and sensed and experiences is valid.
I have not been in a relationship since my marriage ended. As usual, I take things to extremes. I don't think I would see it as healthy or successful. My isolation comes from fear. It comes from feeling not safe. It comes from feeling not good enough, not enough.
So how do I break my cycle of fear and isolation? But I have a query for you...do you feel connected in your relationships? I suddenly wondered if we create relationships that allow us to maintain a comfortable isolation while looking good from the outside. It was just a thought...
I have been watching the debate about guns. The people who think if we are all armed we can stop tragedies versus people who think no one should have guns. No one is looking at the innate violence of our culture. Something hit me hard We have about 10,000 murders every year, by firearm. The next closest is Israel, maybe (working from memory here) with about 78 - according to a Facebook chart. We spend about $711 billion per year on the military. Next behind us is China, spending $143 billion. I think we can recognize someone's values by how they spend their resources. I think these numbers indicate the underlying violence of our country. And the numbers really show how we surpass comparable countries.
But we won't look at that. We'll just continue our superficial arguments about gun control - pretending it's a real issue. We'll continue our superficial, inane discussions about what defines real rape, and ignore the fact that rape is okay in this country. If it was not acceptable, we would be stopping rapists, not blaming victims...Instead, we tell women how to protect themselves - we know we are not safe here.
Lots of churning thoughts...
Love
Clare
I have been feeling inspired to write by the shocking violence around me. I block myself by thinking there is no market for what I write. When did I start judging myself by commercial value? Something new to consider...
I agree that stories are central and vital. And the deepest, most blest gift we can give anyone is listening. By listening to another I am validating their whole existence. I am saying: You are worth it! You are worth my time and attention. What you have seen and sensed and experiences is valid.
I have not been in a relationship since my marriage ended. As usual, I take things to extremes. I don't think I would see it as healthy or successful. My isolation comes from fear. It comes from feeling not safe. It comes from feeling not good enough, not enough.
So how do I break my cycle of fear and isolation? But I have a query for you...do you feel connected in your relationships? I suddenly wondered if we create relationships that allow us to maintain a comfortable isolation while looking good from the outside. It was just a thought...
I have been watching the debate about guns. The people who think if we are all armed we can stop tragedies versus people who think no one should have guns. No one is looking at the innate violence of our culture. Something hit me hard We have about 10,000 murders every year, by firearm. The next closest is Israel, maybe (working from memory here) with about 78 - according to a Facebook chart. We spend about $711 billion per year on the military. Next behind us is China, spending $143 billion. I think we can recognize someone's values by how they spend their resources. I think these numbers indicate the underlying violence of our country. And the numbers really show how we surpass comparable countries.
But we won't look at that. We'll just continue our superficial arguments about gun control - pretending it's a real issue. We'll continue our superficial, inane discussions about what defines real rape, and ignore the fact that rape is okay in this country. If it was not acceptable, we would be stopping rapists, not blaming victims...Instead, we tell women how to protect themselves - we know we are not safe here.
Lots of churning thoughts...
Love
Clare
Seeing patterns in my behavior
I didn't consider the children of war...
what an incredibly sad truth...
I agree we are so confused that we don't know if we are bleeding tears or weeping blood...
or both simultaneously.
I feel as if connection is the key to all of this madness...
if we connect...
if we belong to each other (as Mother Theresa said) then we value and nurture each other...
without those we are reduced to objects...
valued by a few...or perhaps no one.
I believe that the stories are the place to begin.
I believe that the stories are universal...
unfortunately not unique in our society...
but will create that connection to others...
the first step is to establish trust as best we can...
Then dig deep into meanings and motivations and try to explain it.
What do you think?
Today I had a conversation with the friend that I mentioned last week...
the one whose daughter is separating...
we talked about how difficult it is to be raised a woman...
taught by society to depend upon a man for value and support...legitimacy.
After the conversation I realized that I too sought 'protection' throughout my life.
Despite being intelligent and capable of supporting myself, I did not give myself an opportunity to make it on my own...
I jumped from my first love to another who turned out to be my husband within several months.
Years later, I separated from my husband and began to date another within a few months.
I made myself a promise of one year without a man...
within a few months I reached out to reconcile with my husband.
So...how do I/we break this cycle?
How do we teach and model healthy relationships and the benefits of not constantly being in a relationship?
Why do I, a survivor of abuse and molestation at the hands of males, seek that companionship?
Is it the instinctual drive for connection...or the fear of being alone?
I have role models...
I know women who have lived without a man for many years...
quite happily and successfully...
why didn't I give myself that opportunity?
I will have to consider all of that...
I sang today...it was freeing.
I felt lighter than I have in a very long time.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
what an incredibly sad truth...
I agree we are so confused that we don't know if we are bleeding tears or weeping blood...
or both simultaneously.
I feel as if connection is the key to all of this madness...
if we connect...
if we belong to each other (as Mother Theresa said) then we value and nurture each other...
without those we are reduced to objects...
valued by a few...or perhaps no one.
I believe that the stories are the place to begin.
I believe that the stories are universal...
unfortunately not unique in our society...
but will create that connection to others...
the first step is to establish trust as best we can...
Then dig deep into meanings and motivations and try to explain it.
What do you think?
Today I had a conversation with the friend that I mentioned last week...
the one whose daughter is separating...
we talked about how difficult it is to be raised a woman...
taught by society to depend upon a man for value and support...legitimacy.
After the conversation I realized that I too sought 'protection' throughout my life.
Despite being intelligent and capable of supporting myself, I did not give myself an opportunity to make it on my own...
I jumped from my first love to another who turned out to be my husband within several months.
Years later, I separated from my husband and began to date another within a few months.
I made myself a promise of one year without a man...
within a few months I reached out to reconcile with my husband.
So...how do I/we break this cycle?
How do we teach and model healthy relationships and the benefits of not constantly being in a relationship?
Why do I, a survivor of abuse and molestation at the hands of males, seek that companionship?
Is it the instinctual drive for connection...or the fear of being alone?
I have role models...
I know women who have lived without a man for many years...
quite happily and successfully...
why didn't I give myself that opportunity?
I will have to consider all of that...
I sang today...it was freeing.
I felt lighter than I have in a very long time.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
Friday, December 14, 2012
Weeping Blood/Bleeding Tears
I have been having a weird reaction to the shooting. I feel lost, like I can't feel. I was trying to figure out why and I remembered breaking down in tears at work a few times while discussing the wars in the mid-east. I have seen the pictures - I have taken time to look at the children with severe birth defects, with childhood cancers, because of our depleted uranium. I have looked at the pictures of dead children - dead because of our drones. We kill babies every day and it rips my soul. I feel shredded. And we are not supposed to notice. We are not supposed to cry. I have turned off that mental zone, shrouded that sobbing soul. Then today, I see the articles about kindergarteners, babies - 5 is such a sweet year - and I can't find my tears.
And I started to realize I can't differentiate between their babies and our babies. I am not allowed to cry for children...I should cry for children...I can only cry for our children...no tears for their children. I can't do it. I feel like I am going crazy. I am churning in turmoil. I feel like I could cry forever.
And I do not want to hear any words from President Obama. He allows the drones to continue slaughtering babies and their families every day. If children are expendable, they are expendable. If he truly values children, the drones will stop, the fighting will stop. I feel like I could weep blood and bleed tears. I feel overwhelmed and overwrought and just plain exhausted.
And the mamas...the mamas with holes in their hearts and in their souls that will never heal...
Are there two books? One a graphic dissection of the abusive situation my child just experienced? And one of your new theory? Or do they coalesce? We will have a press!!
Maybe we start by telling our stories, and making abuse and it's long term effects palpable. Then you explain your theory and we work from there.
I love you...Clare
And I started to realize I can't differentiate between their babies and our babies. I am not allowed to cry for children...I should cry for children...I can only cry for our children...no tears for their children. I can't do it. I feel like I am going crazy. I am churning in turmoil. I feel like I could cry forever.
And I do not want to hear any words from President Obama. He allows the drones to continue slaughtering babies and their families every day. If children are expendable, they are expendable. If he truly values children, the drones will stop, the fighting will stop. I feel like I could weep blood and bleed tears. I feel overwhelmed and overwrought and just plain exhausted.
And the mamas...the mamas with holes in their hearts and in their souls that will never heal...
Are there two books? One a graphic dissection of the abusive situation my child just experienced? And one of your new theory? Or do they coalesce? We will have a press!!
Maybe we start by telling our stories, and making abuse and it's long term effects palpable. Then you explain your theory and we work from there.
I love you...Clare
Where do we begin?
My heart is torn for those injured and murdered children and their families.
Discharging pain or mental illness takes lives too frequently...What are we becoming as a species?
We have failed to connect...
to see each other as the same as us...
each containing the Light.
It is so simple, yet unobtainable in many circumstances.
I just finished watching Obama's message...wiping tears and pausing to compose himself...
telling us to hug our kids...then I picked up the 12/17 Sports Illustrated with the cover story about child sexual abuse and two athletes who have spoken up...it was a good article...but SO much more needs to be said...the article proposes that child sexual abuse will be a thing of the past in 100 years... God, I pray that is true...it has to stop...we have to speak out...
So how do we begin with this book?
What's involved?
What do you think?
Is there anyway to sift through this blog and put together some material to get it started?
I will begin to formulate my theory, in a more rational, presentable format and bring it to my professor/mentor...see what she says...she will offer solid advice.
I was teaching about abuse and the aftermath to my students this week...I felt compelled to disclose that I was abused (I spared the details) and that abuse can be overcome...I told them that I had to work harder to overcome the hurdles to move forward in life. It felt really good to be seen...really seen. So I have told my story twice in two weeks...this could become a habit. it has to become habitual so that I can empower others to tell their stories too...Me Too.
I pray that we humans can stop hurting each other...
Blessings,
Maggie
Discharging pain or mental illness takes lives too frequently...What are we becoming as a species?
We have failed to connect...
to see each other as the same as us...
each containing the Light.
It is so simple, yet unobtainable in many circumstances.
I just finished watching Obama's message...wiping tears and pausing to compose himself...
telling us to hug our kids...then I picked up the 12/17 Sports Illustrated with the cover story about child sexual abuse and two athletes who have spoken up...it was a good article...but SO much more needs to be said...the article proposes that child sexual abuse will be a thing of the past in 100 years... God, I pray that is true...it has to stop...we have to speak out...
So how do we begin with this book?
What's involved?
What do you think?
Is there anyway to sift through this blog and put together some material to get it started?
I will begin to formulate my theory, in a more rational, presentable format and bring it to my professor/mentor...see what she says...she will offer solid advice.
I was teaching about abuse and the aftermath to my students this week...I felt compelled to disclose that I was abused (I spared the details) and that abuse can be overcome...I told them that I had to work harder to overcome the hurdles to move forward in life. It felt really good to be seen...really seen. So I have told my story twice in two weeks...this could become a habit. it has to become habitual so that I can empower others to tell their stories too...Me Too.
I pray that we humans can stop hurting each other...
Blessings,
Maggie
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Hope
Speaking as one who has been there, rape has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with violence and dominance and humiliation. It has to do with who owns you, and hint-hint - it's not you. Children sexually abusing children has nothing to do with sexual urges, as you realized. It has everything to do with causing the pain that was caused to you. It discharges pain, while simultaneously causing shame, emotional pain that builds and needs to be discharged. There is no escape. The cycle just makes deeper and deeper ruts until there's nothing but pain and numbness of discharge - repeated attacks.
I don't know how we survived, still able to think. There had to be just enough love and acceptance to give us hope. I don't think we can move forward without hope.
I talked a lot to my daughter, thinking about the journalling/book idea. So I started asking questions, and she seems to appreciate the attention and the chance to consider what had happened. I asked her how he drew her in. What were the words she heard, the behavior she saw. When did it change? What were the first little glimmers of abuse that she ignored? Another page I set up had his mom in the upper left, his daughter in the lower right. Apparently he and his mother fought regularly. I asked what she heard his mom say to him. Then I asked what she heard him say to his daughter. I don't think it will surprise anyone to know - they were the same. Mostly - stupid, Stupid, STUPID!
She also talked about a time when she confided a few things to a friend, who when angry with the boyfriend and trying to defend my daughter - repeated them to the boyfriend. The boyfriend was furious, cornered my daughter and asked if she said those words. She said, in that situation - lie. She said no, but he stood over her and berated her for a very long time until she was a sobbing heap on the floor. Love...how can anyone mistake that for love? But one of the things my daughter wanted to share was that there are good ways and bad ways of intervening.
So those are the beginnings. The other thing I wish I could incorporate is the way the young men feel. I know he feels unloveable, and so he tries to control her so she won't leave, there won't be another failure. The root of this behavior is feeling worthless and incapable of being loved. I don't want to identify him or involve him, but I would like a similar voice...
Me, too would publish stories of abuse - awareness, and ways people have come to terms and maybe even overcome early abuse and later discharge reactions. It would be a place of honesty and acceptance with writings for all ages - first hand stories of what happened to me and how I felt and how I handled it and what I learned. It would also be a place to publish research, like Brene-type insight, or your new theory that's going to rock the counseling world. I'm sort of making this up as I go along. It's kind of fun.
I thought of something when reading your words about resonance. When my kids were elementary school aged, I had two friends with same aged kids. With one Mom, I was on edge, expecting the worst - because she was. She thought kids were bad. The other Mom was calm and loving and accepting and expected the best of all kids. With her, I was relaxed. My kids were pretty much the same everywhere. It was just me. But I resonated with each of those women in very different ways. And I try to be the second Mom is all situations - accepting and loving. Sometimes my martyr slips through the cracks, but mostly - I'm good!
Having the heart-to-heart with my youngest took me to the place of saying, with so much love - You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I thought she was going to cry. But she said she is trying hard not to cry. She feels the need to stay in control. I hope she cracks and sobs and acknowledges the pain...
I love you, thank you...
Clare
I don't know how we survived, still able to think. There had to be just enough love and acceptance to give us hope. I don't think we can move forward without hope.
I talked a lot to my daughter, thinking about the journalling/book idea. So I started asking questions, and she seems to appreciate the attention and the chance to consider what had happened. I asked her how he drew her in. What were the words she heard, the behavior she saw. When did it change? What were the first little glimmers of abuse that she ignored? Another page I set up had his mom in the upper left, his daughter in the lower right. Apparently he and his mother fought regularly. I asked what she heard his mom say to him. Then I asked what she heard him say to his daughter. I don't think it will surprise anyone to know - they were the same. Mostly - stupid, Stupid, STUPID!
She also talked about a time when she confided a few things to a friend, who when angry with the boyfriend and trying to defend my daughter - repeated them to the boyfriend. The boyfriend was furious, cornered my daughter and asked if she said those words. She said, in that situation - lie. She said no, but he stood over her and berated her for a very long time until she was a sobbing heap on the floor. Love...how can anyone mistake that for love? But one of the things my daughter wanted to share was that there are good ways and bad ways of intervening.
So those are the beginnings. The other thing I wish I could incorporate is the way the young men feel. I know he feels unloveable, and so he tries to control her so she won't leave, there won't be another failure. The root of this behavior is feeling worthless and incapable of being loved. I don't want to identify him or involve him, but I would like a similar voice...
Me, too would publish stories of abuse - awareness, and ways people have come to terms and maybe even overcome early abuse and later discharge reactions. It would be a place of honesty and acceptance with writings for all ages - first hand stories of what happened to me and how I felt and how I handled it and what I learned. It would also be a place to publish research, like Brene-type insight, or your new theory that's going to rock the counseling world. I'm sort of making this up as I go along. It's kind of fun.
I thought of something when reading your words about resonance. When my kids were elementary school aged, I had two friends with same aged kids. With one Mom, I was on edge, expecting the worst - because she was. She thought kids were bad. The other Mom was calm and loving and accepting and expected the best of all kids. With her, I was relaxed. My kids were pretty much the same everywhere. It was just me. But I resonated with each of those women in very different ways. And I try to be the second Mom is all situations - accepting and loving. Sometimes my martyr slips through the cracks, but mostly - I'm good!
Having the heart-to-heart with my youngest took me to the place of saying, with so much love - You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I thought she was going to cry. But she said she is trying hard not to cry. She feels the need to stay in control. I hope she cracks and sobs and acknowledges the pain...
I love you, thank you...
Clare
more questions for the universe
The article and the video are disturbing...
Why can't women and men just be human?
Why does it take demeaning another to make yourself better?
Why are people or even animals reduced to objects to be used?
I was searching YouTube for videos to show several mental illness diagnoses...
I came across one called "Child of Rage"...
showing a young girl who was abused, adopted, and now is dangerous to her brother.
One of the biggest hurdles that I had in accepting that I had been molested by the brothers was my disbelief that children are capable of hurting other children, particularly in a sexual manner.
I supposed that prior to puberty there are no sexual urges...so it could not have possibly happened the way that I recalled. But I failed to understand that it has nothing to do with sexual desires...
it has everything to do with sadness, anger, fear, intimidation and control...
the molestation was the expression, or the vehicle, of the overwhelming negativity that we all lived with.
In the video I watched this six or seven year old girl explain that she attacked her brother's genitalia in order to hurt him...she specifically wanted to hurt him.
I couldn't watch the entire video...it was too disturbing to see that degree of disconnect in such a young girl.
What happened to us?
How did we manage to survive?
What brought us to this place of sharing and healing?
Something has to happen to change the world that doesn't value its inhabitants...plants, animals human and inanimate...
we need to open our eyes, our ears, our hearts and know each other as we truly are...
we need to share and enrich each others' power and energy in order to evolve and survive.
we need to love and accept...diversity...
our strength lies in the sum of all of our talents and gifts...
no one can stand alone.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
Why can't women and men just be human?
Why does it take demeaning another to make yourself better?
Why are people or even animals reduced to objects to be used?
I was searching YouTube for videos to show several mental illness diagnoses...
I came across one called "Child of Rage"...
showing a young girl who was abused, adopted, and now is dangerous to her brother.
One of the biggest hurdles that I had in accepting that I had been molested by the brothers was my disbelief that children are capable of hurting other children, particularly in a sexual manner.
I supposed that prior to puberty there are no sexual urges...so it could not have possibly happened the way that I recalled. But I failed to understand that it has nothing to do with sexual desires...
it has everything to do with sadness, anger, fear, intimidation and control...
the molestation was the expression, or the vehicle, of the overwhelming negativity that we all lived with.
In the video I watched this six or seven year old girl explain that she attacked her brother's genitalia in order to hurt him...she specifically wanted to hurt him.
I couldn't watch the entire video...it was too disturbing to see that degree of disconnect in such a young girl.
What happened to us?
How did we manage to survive?
What brought us to this place of sharing and healing?
Something has to happen to change the world that doesn't value its inhabitants...plants, animals human and inanimate...
we need to open our eyes, our ears, our hearts and know each other as we truly are...
we need to share and enrich each others' power and energy in order to evolve and survive.
we need to love and accept...diversity...
our strength lies in the sum of all of our talents and gifts...
no one can stand alone.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
a lesson from the viola d'amour
I will look at those video clips tomorrow when I have time to myself. Thanks for sharing them (in advance).
What would the Me Too publishing company publish?
What would be the niche?
When I took my youngest to an accupressurist for allergy relief she told me that a scientist had measured the frequencies of as many living and nonliving things as possible...even the rocks have frequencies...so if we are all a part of the choir or orchestra how do we re-tune ourselves when we are out of tune?
I recently heard of an instrument called a 'viola d'amour'...it has the normal set of viola strings played with a bow..and a second set of strings, lying underneath the first that are tuned precisely to the first set, when the top strings vibrate they cause the corresponding lower string to vibrate as well...sympathetic vibrations...the sound is supposed to be haunting. I haven't heard one played, but it must be beautiful. It is an energetic communication.
Perhaps we can re-tune by connecting with someone who resonates at the healthy resonating frequency...or perhaps it takes physical and psychological work to bring someone back to their optimal frequency...
The possibility is fascinating...
Perhaps you should act on the impulse to put together those lessons gained by young women who experienced abusive relationships...it seems like a solid place to start.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
What would the Me Too publishing company publish?
What would be the niche?
When I took my youngest to an accupressurist for allergy relief she told me that a scientist had measured the frequencies of as many living and nonliving things as possible...even the rocks have frequencies...so if we are all a part of the choir or orchestra how do we re-tune ourselves when we are out of tune?
I recently heard of an instrument called a 'viola d'amour'...it has the normal set of viola strings played with a bow..and a second set of strings, lying underneath the first that are tuned precisely to the first set, when the top strings vibrate they cause the corresponding lower string to vibrate as well...sympathetic vibrations...the sound is supposed to be haunting. I haven't heard one played, but it must be beautiful. It is an energetic communication.
Perhaps we can re-tune by connecting with someone who resonates at the healthy resonating frequency...or perhaps it takes physical and psychological work to bring someone back to their optimal frequency...
The possibility is fascinating...
Perhaps you should act on the impulse to put together those lessons gained by young women who experienced abusive relationships...it seems like a solid place to start.
Love and Blessings,
Maggie
Just a little emotional
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/fhm-virgin-and-zoo-australia-the-12-days-of-misogyny-8406231.html
I just read this article, the one you can find at the link above. I am nauseous and emotional. The writer nails it - the way we, as women, are treated. And there was a short video a film student made in Belgium. She had someone discretely tape hr as she walked down the street.
A clip: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/video/2012/aug/03/femme-de-la-rue-sexism-brussels-video
It's like - there goes a vagina, can I use it. Sex can be used to connect, but mostly we use it to numb and to block all connection. We all end up being a used piece of toilet paper, discarded and disgusting.
I think I am feeling a little hopeless about the world tonight.
My youngest and her two brothers just went to move her furniture out of the trailer she was in with the ex. She called the landlord and asked her to be there. I hope that happens. I am afraid that emotions will be triggered, the ex will renew his efforts to reclaim his possessions. Sometimes, I am a little nervous living out here, not knowing how angry the ex can get.
Drama. Drama! F'ing drammmmmma! Why can't we just be nice. Because we are all damaged and all in pain. And when we look around there are damned few examples of healthy relationships and balanced, kind, caring families to look at, to get a clue from. Instead we bear our pain and grope blindly trying not to get hurt...never even wondering if we hurt others.
Sorry. Emotional tonight...
Hope you are having a good evening...Love to you.
Clare
Yeah, and boycott Virgin Mobile.
I just read this article, the one you can find at the link above. I am nauseous and emotional. The writer nails it - the way we, as women, are treated. And there was a short video a film student made in Belgium. She had someone discretely tape hr as she walked down the street.
A clip: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/video/2012/aug/03/femme-de-la-rue-sexism-brussels-video
It's like - there goes a vagina, can I use it. Sex can be used to connect, but mostly we use it to numb and to block all connection. We all end up being a used piece of toilet paper, discarded and disgusting.
I think I am feeling a little hopeless about the world tonight.
My youngest and her two brothers just went to move her furniture out of the trailer she was in with the ex. She called the landlord and asked her to be there. I hope that happens. I am afraid that emotions will be triggered, the ex will renew his efforts to reclaim his possessions. Sometimes, I am a little nervous living out here, not knowing how angry the ex can get.
Drama. Drama! F'ing drammmmmma! Why can't we just be nice. Because we are all damaged and all in pain. And when we look around there are damned few examples of healthy relationships and balanced, kind, caring families to look at, to get a clue from. Instead we bear our pain and grope blindly trying not to get hurt...never even wondering if we hurt others.
Sorry. Emotional tonight...
Hope you are having a good evening...Love to you.
Clare
Yeah, and boycott Virgin Mobile.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
What is wrong?
I can see it. I can see the brother, picking at you, reminding you of something you did or couldn't do, and picking, picking, picking, digging, poking, going for the sore spot. We were so nasty. Why did we take pleasure in each other's pain? Did it stop our own pain? Did it make us feel less alone because someone else hurt, too?
If the brothers were protective of you, why did they not offer the same to S#3? The thought makes me want to hyperventilate.
We've been through this before...dad said college was wasted on me, because I was just going to get married and have babies. It is not worth the time or energy or money to educate a girl. We grow up with this truth, it is the undercurrent of the way we are conditioned. On top of that are posters that say girls can do anything. But that is superficial, and just for appearance's sake. It reminds me of when I was a substitute teacher - a job I hated. The kids would make art banners: No bullying! Bullying is bad! Just say no to bullies. Yet the very basics of all interactions was violent. The kids told each other to shut up, called each other names, degraded each other. It was such a common, acceptable part of the culture that no one noticed. But they made great signs to prove the school was addressing the problem.
I could not do anything right. I could not do anything alone. But, by God, I could have babies. It created a true role for me. And with a baby, I had a chance to create a true relationship. Except I would open my mouth and all the stupid things Mom said to us would fall out, and I knew it was hopeless - I was trapped in this family, as were my amazing children. How can we see anything except what we hear:
For someone who is supposed to be so smart, you have no common sense.
You can't even cook potatoes right.
You are a sadist.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
And any thinking person will sit and try to analyze, What is wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me..............
Don't forget the altruist, Darwin didn't know what to make of those individuals. Their sacrifice allowed the others to survive the stress, and to thrive.
I love the idea that each species is a frequency. And all we have to do is find our rightful place in the choir. I have had moments of ecstasy in the very early morning, when I could hear the trees, the flowers, and sometimes even the lake. The whole world was a choir, and I had my part. I added harmony. I wasn't more or less than anything else, but I was part of the beauty.
Once, in a flower essence meeting, a fellow practitioner said she thinks we are here to find our note, or to find our tone. It seemed so profound when she said it.
My youngest has been opening up more and more about what was going on in her relationship before they broke up and she came home. Last night I had the idea of taking her thoughts and those of three of her close friends and creating a kind of arty, handwritten journal and trying to get it published. The idea would be to explore the way abusers draw young women in - in this case, they were all female -and to try to see the warning signs, the first steps, to record the escalation. It could be a kind of, or the first, Me, too. It might become a guide for others. Any thoughts? Gut reactions?
Goodnight, love -
Clare
If I had money to invest, I would consider founding the Me, too Publishing Co.!!
If the brothers were protective of you, why did they not offer the same to S#3? The thought makes me want to hyperventilate.
We've been through this before...dad said college was wasted on me, because I was just going to get married and have babies. It is not worth the time or energy or money to educate a girl. We grow up with this truth, it is the undercurrent of the way we are conditioned. On top of that are posters that say girls can do anything. But that is superficial, and just for appearance's sake. It reminds me of when I was a substitute teacher - a job I hated. The kids would make art banners: No bullying! Bullying is bad! Just say no to bullies. Yet the very basics of all interactions was violent. The kids told each other to shut up, called each other names, degraded each other. It was such a common, acceptable part of the culture that no one noticed. But they made great signs to prove the school was addressing the problem.
I could not do anything right. I could not do anything alone. But, by God, I could have babies. It created a true role for me. And with a baby, I had a chance to create a true relationship. Except I would open my mouth and all the stupid things Mom said to us would fall out, and I knew it was hopeless - I was trapped in this family, as were my amazing children. How can we see anything except what we hear:
For someone who is supposed to be so smart, you have no common sense.
You can't even cook potatoes right.
You are a sadist.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
And any thinking person will sit and try to analyze, What is wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me..............
Don't forget the altruist, Darwin didn't know what to make of those individuals. Their sacrifice allowed the others to survive the stress, and to thrive.
I love the idea that each species is a frequency. And all we have to do is find our rightful place in the choir. I have had moments of ecstasy in the very early morning, when I could hear the trees, the flowers, and sometimes even the lake. The whole world was a choir, and I had my part. I added harmony. I wasn't more or less than anything else, but I was part of the beauty.
Once, in a flower essence meeting, a fellow practitioner said she thinks we are here to find our note, or to find our tone. It seemed so profound when she said it.
My youngest has been opening up more and more about what was going on in her relationship before they broke up and she came home. Last night I had the idea of taking her thoughts and those of three of her close friends and creating a kind of arty, handwritten journal and trying to get it published. The idea would be to explore the way abusers draw young women in - in this case, they were all female -and to try to see the warning signs, the first steps, to record the escalation. It could be a kind of, or the first, Me, too. It might become a guide for others. Any thoughts? Gut reactions?
Goodnight, love -
Clare
If I had money to invest, I would consider founding the Me, too Publishing Co.!!
Resonating
Just to clarify the points that you asked...
I remember clearly that it was B#2 who was tormenting me...
I was sitting on the steps inside the house...
about half way up...just screaming.
I can't remember what it was about, but I remember him taunting me...
By the time we were left home alone during the summers...
I was 15...
and the brothers were extremely protective of me...
told their friends to leave me alone...
it was a weird twist to my story.
As to the objectification of women...and the pregnancy topic...
I believe that women do instinctually tend to their young and nurture them...
the confusion for me is why do we sabotage our dreams and aspirations by allowing ourselves to get pregnant? I am not saying that young pregnancies are consciously planned, but many are unconsciously planned and timed to interfere with the commencement of our journey...
we allow ourselves to be sidetracked...and sometimes derailed by the promises of a man...
to take care of us...protect us...give us everything we want and need in life...
Why can't we see that we have everything we need inside our self?
Why can't we trust in the abundance of our own gifts?
That would pave the road to interdependence rather than dependence for a lifetime.
I wanted to tell you about Sheldrake's morphogenesis and Darwin's evolution and how that fits into my ramblings...
So Darwin said that those species who can adapt to stress in the environment are the ones that will most successfully survive...pretty basic...most people agree with the concept (except conservative Christians) and that fits into my evolutionary behavioral ideas.
Sheldrake is a biologist who agrees with evolution driven by adaptation...but he believes that each species has a unique resonance (energy vibration) and from the beginning of life the organism tunes into that frequency which shapes the morphogenesis, development of the body structures. The energy also carries with it the collective wisdom of the ancestors...or collective consciousness. He theorizes that experiential learning by one animal (organism) can be transmitted to the collective consciousness and can be learned much easier by the other organisms within the same species. For example rats have been taught to open a food door after repeated trials in the US and similar experiments have shown that rats at distant sites will learn the same lesson with less trials. So abused people learn to isolate and protect themselves more quickly with each passing generation.
So does that make sense? So what if humans alter their receiving frequency and by shutting down their signal receptors after abuse? What if the genetic alterations following abuse change the membrane proteins that receive signals? What if they could be reprogrammed to resonate at the optimal frequency again...like tuning a piano or a guitar? It is so cool!
I will check in tomorrow.
Love,
Maggie
I remember clearly that it was B#2 who was tormenting me...
I was sitting on the steps inside the house...
about half way up...just screaming.
I can't remember what it was about, but I remember him taunting me...
By the time we were left home alone during the summers...
I was 15...
and the brothers were extremely protective of me...
told their friends to leave me alone...
it was a weird twist to my story.
As to the objectification of women...and the pregnancy topic...
I believe that women do instinctually tend to their young and nurture them...
the confusion for me is why do we sabotage our dreams and aspirations by allowing ourselves to get pregnant? I am not saying that young pregnancies are consciously planned, but many are unconsciously planned and timed to interfere with the commencement of our journey...
we allow ourselves to be sidetracked...and sometimes derailed by the promises of a man...
to take care of us...protect us...give us everything we want and need in life...
Why can't we see that we have everything we need inside our self?
Why can't we trust in the abundance of our own gifts?
That would pave the road to interdependence rather than dependence for a lifetime.
I wanted to tell you about Sheldrake's morphogenesis and Darwin's evolution and how that fits into my ramblings...
So Darwin said that those species who can adapt to stress in the environment are the ones that will most successfully survive...pretty basic...most people agree with the concept (except conservative Christians) and that fits into my evolutionary behavioral ideas.
Sheldrake is a biologist who agrees with evolution driven by adaptation...but he believes that each species has a unique resonance (energy vibration) and from the beginning of life the organism tunes into that frequency which shapes the morphogenesis, development of the body structures. The energy also carries with it the collective wisdom of the ancestors...or collective consciousness. He theorizes that experiential learning by one animal (organism) can be transmitted to the collective consciousness and can be learned much easier by the other organisms within the same species. For example rats have been taught to open a food door after repeated trials in the US and similar experiments have shown that rats at distant sites will learn the same lesson with less trials. So abused people learn to isolate and protect themselves more quickly with each passing generation.
So does that make sense? So what if humans alter their receiving frequency and by shutting down their signal receptors after abuse? What if the genetic alterations following abuse change the membrane proteins that receive signals? What if they could be reprogrammed to resonate at the optimal frequency again...like tuning a piano or a guitar? It is so cool!
I will check in tomorrow.
Love,
Maggie
Monday, December 10, 2012
Damn kids...
I don't know if we took care of each other. S#5 used to tell everyone that she was B#1's baby, but I never really saw him take care of her. I was forced to babysit the crowd, but I don't specifically remember taking care of you. I made dinner, made sure you were all fed, did headcounts to make sure I wasn't in trouble for losing anyone...But I think we can only model what we learn. I have never quite known how to take care of myself, so it is hard to take care of others. The oxytocin rushes helped me understand with my own kids, though.
But when I was a teenager, and overwhelmed with our family life, I swore repeatedly that I would never have children.
I think you were allowed to cry when you were a kid. But nobody paid any attention to it. When you were on the front porch screaming, the response was probably, "Damn kids, why can't they just be quiet." We think kids yell and carry on, just because they are kids. We rarely stop to understand they are in pain. Often, kid's pain is not worthy of notice. Mostly, and consciously, we forget. You remember, and had that moment of walking back through the pain. It is the way to relief and love.
Do you remember what B#1 was doing to you? When did this happen. I know Mom and Dad took off and left all you middle teens alone for days at a time. There was no one there to protect any of you.
What is my greatest lesson of this incarnation? Let me think about this. This is right up there with the life mission statement - a real challenge!
Having kids...there is so much to that question. I think we do agree to be conduits for our fellow travelers, who agree to be our children, part of our chain. I think as part of the institutional objectification of women that has been systematically in place since the old testament, motherhood has been devalued. Yet it is a drive we have. There is something satisfying about being pregnant and mothering. Yet, we are nothing if we are a mom. We are valued only by the money our activities bring in...and I am exhausted and my thoughts are churning. I think I need to close while still semi-comprehensible!
I was looking at your family photos, and realized how much your youngest looks like S#3's son. I wonder who they resemble...
I love you, and good night!
Clare
But when I was a teenager, and overwhelmed with our family life, I swore repeatedly that I would never have children.
I think you were allowed to cry when you were a kid. But nobody paid any attention to it. When you were on the front porch screaming, the response was probably, "Damn kids, why can't they just be quiet." We think kids yell and carry on, just because they are kids. We rarely stop to understand they are in pain. Often, kid's pain is not worthy of notice. Mostly, and consciously, we forget. You remember, and had that moment of walking back through the pain. It is the way to relief and love.
Do you remember what B#1 was doing to you? When did this happen. I know Mom and Dad took off and left all you middle teens alone for days at a time. There was no one there to protect any of you.
What is my greatest lesson of this incarnation? Let me think about this. This is right up there with the life mission statement - a real challenge!
Having kids...there is so much to that question. I think we do agree to be conduits for our fellow travelers, who agree to be our children, part of our chain. I think as part of the institutional objectification of women that has been systematically in place since the old testament, motherhood has been devalued. Yet it is a drive we have. There is something satisfying about being pregnant and mothering. Yet, we are nothing if we are a mom. We are valued only by the money our activities bring in...and I am exhausted and my thoughts are churning. I think I need to close while still semi-comprehensible!
I was looking at your family photos, and realized how much your youngest looks like S#3's son. I wonder who they resemble...
I love you, and good night!
Clare
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Should've, could've, would've
Clair,
We each took care of ourselves, because - well, who else was going to do it?
Did we take care of each other?
I believe that we did to an extent...
but I also remember being very lonely and very afraid to ask for any assistance...
I have told people, "I wasn't allowed to cry as a child" I believe that may be a partial mis-statement...
I don't think that anyone cared when I cried and I learned to not waste the tears...
I can remember clearly one day sitting on the steps on Forge Road and screaming until it hurt my throat because B#2 was doing something that tormented me...
I screamed until I couldn't scream anymore...and I can't remember anyone responding...
I guess it wasn't noticeable...
I must have been silent and invisible...
not worthy of attention...
sorry...I didn't mean to be sad, but that is the image that I recalled when I read that sentence.
You are right...I do take care of everyone...isn't that what we were taught?
To be successful I had to be self-sufficient...
need nothing and offer everything positive that I have...
hiding the shadows of my personality so that I wouldn't be seen as negative...
even though I believed that I was garbage anyway.
So I hadn't considered the Choice Theory to include pre-conceptual/pre-incarnation choices. I guess I could understand it better if I understood it from that perspective. I frequently tell my kids, when they complain about my conservative parenting, that they chose me so they have no reason to complain...they just roll their eyes at me.
I do believe that we incarnate where and when we learn the lessons that we need to learn. I am convinced that this lifetime is teaching me patience and trust, among other lessons.
What do you think is your great lesson of this incarnation?
I was speaking with a friend today, whose daughter is separating from her husband.
She's only 18 and has 2 children, no education, and no means to support herself.
I began talking with daughter #2 about this and, more universally, why do many women feel that early pregnancy is an answer to their insecurities regarding their life's challenges? Do we not teach them of their inherent power and value?
I see this pattern played out, time and time again...
A young woman with dreams, aspirations and goals...
goals that are challenging and will take time, commitment and discipline...
she make plans and talk about success and what their life will be like...
and then somewhere between fantasizing, planning and implementing..
fear sets in...
she begins to doubt her abilities, and if she is worthy of success, and then, why should she do better than her mother or sisters or friends?
and then some man pays attention and compliments her...
and then pulls her in...partly because she wants him to...
and soon more doubts rise about her ability to achieve success and independence...
and inevitably she gets pregnant...and chooses service to the man and her child...
over her own fulfillment...
not that motherhood isn't a wonderful path...
but it shouldn't be an escape route to avoid self-discovery and self-challenge...
which holds the potential of failure...but also with the potential of success.
Why do we as women continue to repeat this cycle?
It makes me sad to see the wasted potential...
the frustrated middle aged women who realize that they sold themselves short...
and who are haunted by, "should've, could've, would've".
Do men experience this or a similar pattern?
But perhaps that is part of our pre-incarnation choice...
Perhaps I am projecting my own biases and conceptualizations of what success means.
I have been known to do that before.
I am so grateful that I have you to write and share and ruminate to and with...
You are a blessing and grace in my life...
Maggie
We each took care of ourselves, because - well, who else was going to do it?
Did we take care of each other?
I believe that we did to an extent...
but I also remember being very lonely and very afraid to ask for any assistance...
I have told people, "I wasn't allowed to cry as a child" I believe that may be a partial mis-statement...
I don't think that anyone cared when I cried and I learned to not waste the tears...
I can remember clearly one day sitting on the steps on Forge Road and screaming until it hurt my throat because B#2 was doing something that tormented me...
I screamed until I couldn't scream anymore...and I can't remember anyone responding...
I guess it wasn't noticeable...
I must have been silent and invisible...
not worthy of attention...
sorry...I didn't mean to be sad, but that is the image that I recalled when I read that sentence.
You are right...I do take care of everyone...isn't that what we were taught?
To be successful I had to be self-sufficient...
need nothing and offer everything positive that I have...
hiding the shadows of my personality so that I wouldn't be seen as negative...
even though I believed that I was garbage anyway.
So I hadn't considered the Choice Theory to include pre-conceptual/pre-incarnation choices. I guess I could understand it better if I understood it from that perspective. I frequently tell my kids, when they complain about my conservative parenting, that they chose me so they have no reason to complain...they just roll their eyes at me.
I do believe that we incarnate where and when we learn the lessons that we need to learn. I am convinced that this lifetime is teaching me patience and trust, among other lessons.
What do you think is your great lesson of this incarnation?
I was speaking with a friend today, whose daughter is separating from her husband.
She's only 18 and has 2 children, no education, and no means to support herself.
I began talking with daughter #2 about this and, more universally, why do many women feel that early pregnancy is an answer to their insecurities regarding their life's challenges? Do we not teach them of their inherent power and value?
I see this pattern played out, time and time again...
A young woman with dreams, aspirations and goals...
goals that are challenging and will take time, commitment and discipline...
she make plans and talk about success and what their life will be like...
and then somewhere between fantasizing, planning and implementing..
fear sets in...
she begins to doubt her abilities, and if she is worthy of success, and then, why should she do better than her mother or sisters or friends?
and then some man pays attention and compliments her...
and then pulls her in...partly because she wants him to...
and soon more doubts rise about her ability to achieve success and independence...
and inevitably she gets pregnant...and chooses service to the man and her child...
over her own fulfillment...
not that motherhood isn't a wonderful path...
but it shouldn't be an escape route to avoid self-discovery and self-challenge...
which holds the potential of failure...but also with the potential of success.
Why do we as women continue to repeat this cycle?
It makes me sad to see the wasted potential...
the frustrated middle aged women who realize that they sold themselves short...
and who are haunted by, "should've, could've, would've".
Do men experience this or a similar pattern?
But perhaps that is part of our pre-incarnation choice...
Perhaps I am projecting my own biases and conceptualizations of what success means.
I have been known to do that before.
I am so grateful that I have you to write and share and ruminate to and with...
You are a blessing and grace in my life...
Maggie
Responsible for.....
You have offered a lot to think about. I am seeing these theories for the first time, and I wonder if I should blather about my insight since I don't have the background. But you know I will...I will talk about what I see and understand and remember.
Is our destiny based solely on our choices? Only if we believe that we made informed choices before birth about what kind of family group we'd be joining and what kind of abuse we're be experiencing. I think every family has bad patterns, and we are all damaged - a least a bit. It's part of the lessons we are here to learn, the patterns we are here to correct. But if any therapist thinks we consciously chose to be abused as infants or as very small children, I think they are wrong. And the wrongness continues, because those of us who have been damaged react rather than choose. I had a long heart-to-heart with my youngest last night who said - she reacts. She knows it is not the smartest idea, but that is what happens.
I like that you listed the positive habits first, and emphasized them. I understand that these habits create true community, true family. But I know groups - I have been part of groups - that bond because of the second group. Either set of habits becomes the defining force of the group dynamics. From the outside, when we see people bound by the bad habits, we wonder why these individuals stay, but from the inside these relationships are familiar...root word, family. I can see my family - me and my kids - in both lists, but the older I get, the more I function in the first list. Seeing the list makes it easier to define who I am...
As far as the list of needs...I don't know if I have made it past the first - survival - yet. So often, I feel like I am struggling for survival.
Have you ever seen The Jerk, with Steve Martin? There's a scene where he has lost everything but he says all he needs is one simple object. Then he sees another object and says all he needs are these two objects. That continues until he is awkward and stumbling, trying to carry the things he needs. That is the image I have of you, of us, trying to retrieve the lost pieces of self. I have all sorts of stuff hanging on me, dragging behind me. The question that just came to mind is - how do I get naked? That would be a step into vulnerability!
You wrote something that screamed MAGGIE at me. You said you were responsible for four children and a husband. Please consider that he was also responsible for you, as he continues to be. You need to allow him to take that responsibility. You need to trust him to take that responsibility. But we didn't learn to do that at our house. I am back to that image of feral children. We each took care of ourselves, because - well, who else was going to do it?
The thoughts and events and insights we have been sharing have really opened me. I am beginning to sense that I can tell what happened to someone, based on their current behavior.
I know an obsessive young man. He is very caring, very noble, but last night I realized he lives in a fantasy world much like B#1 does. He believes that he is in love with a young woman who says, "You are my friend. Only. We will never be together. Never. Do you understand me. I do not love you. I will never feel that way about you." Yet he believes he is the answer to all of her problems. He continues to follow her and to tell everyone that he is the one for her. I was watching him, and thinking about it all, when I realized he rewrites reality to fit the story he needs to survive. And even though I know few details of his family life, I know there was severe abuse. I have a feeling there was incestuous abuse happening. Otherwise he would not have escaped reality so thoroughly. And I have so much compassion. I am starting to see everyone differently, and with so much love. Thank you so much for walking with me, for leading me sometimes. Knowing you are here makes me come back every day, even when this is hard. I really love you. You are my inspiration!
Clare
Is our destiny based solely on our choices? Only if we believe that we made informed choices before birth about what kind of family group we'd be joining and what kind of abuse we're be experiencing. I think every family has bad patterns, and we are all damaged - a least a bit. It's part of the lessons we are here to learn, the patterns we are here to correct. But if any therapist thinks we consciously chose to be abused as infants or as very small children, I think they are wrong. And the wrongness continues, because those of us who have been damaged react rather than choose. I had a long heart-to-heart with my youngest last night who said - she reacts. She knows it is not the smartest idea, but that is what happens.
I like that you listed the positive habits first, and emphasized them. I understand that these habits create true community, true family. But I know groups - I have been part of groups - that bond because of the second group. Either set of habits becomes the defining force of the group dynamics. From the outside, when we see people bound by the bad habits, we wonder why these individuals stay, but from the inside these relationships are familiar...root word, family. I can see my family - me and my kids - in both lists, but the older I get, the more I function in the first list. Seeing the list makes it easier to define who I am...
As far as the list of needs...I don't know if I have made it past the first - survival - yet. So often, I feel like I am struggling for survival.
Have you ever seen The Jerk, with Steve Martin? There's a scene where he has lost everything but he says all he needs is one simple object. Then he sees another object and says all he needs are these two objects. That continues until he is awkward and stumbling, trying to carry the things he needs. That is the image I have of you, of us, trying to retrieve the lost pieces of self. I have all sorts of stuff hanging on me, dragging behind me. The question that just came to mind is - how do I get naked? That would be a step into vulnerability!
You wrote something that screamed MAGGIE at me. You said you were responsible for four children and a husband. Please consider that he was also responsible for you, as he continues to be. You need to allow him to take that responsibility. You need to trust him to take that responsibility. But we didn't learn to do that at our house. I am back to that image of feral children. We each took care of ourselves, because - well, who else was going to do it?
The thoughts and events and insights we have been sharing have really opened me. I am beginning to sense that I can tell what happened to someone, based on their current behavior.
I know an obsessive young man. He is very caring, very noble, but last night I realized he lives in a fantasy world much like B#1 does. He believes that he is in love with a young woman who says, "You are my friend. Only. We will never be together. Never. Do you understand me. I do not love you. I will never feel that way about you." Yet he believes he is the answer to all of her problems. He continues to follow her and to tell everyone that he is the one for her. I was watching him, and thinking about it all, when I realized he rewrites reality to fit the story he needs to survive. And even though I know few details of his family life, I know there was severe abuse. I have a feeling there was incestuous abuse happening. Otherwise he would not have escaped reality so thoroughly. And I have so much compassion. I am starting to see everyone differently, and with so much love. Thank you so much for walking with me, for leading me sometimes. Knowing you are here makes me come back every day, even when this is hard. I really love you. You are my inspiration!
Clare
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