Wildness

Hello!

I had grandchildren here for the last two days.  I love having them here, but this week I was just exhausted.  I think I am fighting a virus.  Usually, I write to you after they go to sleep, but last night, I crashed as soon as they did.  And I also had a grandpuppy with me!

I have been thinking about your question - are we traveling parallel paths?  It struck me hard that we started in the same place and are going to the same place.  Then I thought about the swamp.  I think you are keeping your head above water, no matter what.  I am roiling in the muck.  I fight it less.  I think if we were healthy, traveling in clear, clean flowing water, my way would be healthy - trusting the flow and seeing where it leads.  But in a swamp - doesn't work so well. 

Your writing brought a Brene observation to mind.  When she asked about acceptance, people told heartwrenching stories of not being accepted.  When she asked about love, people talked of heartbreak.  But I know someone, when she talks of love, she tells the most romantic, fated story of a marriage that thrives.  Maybe that's why we have to learn to tell our stories from a positive point of view.  So we can become more like this wonderful woman I know.

I tried to do it, in my mind.  I tried to write my story.  I started, then I notice I punctuate with "Then I was stupid..."  or "Then I was afraid..."  or even, "Then I was mean..."  I need to get past this point.  I was thinking it might be a good practice - write my stories from a positive place.  But I am not sure where to start.  I don't ever want to see the positive points of being abused...except that it leads to this point where we fearlessly talk about it. Maybe...I am fighting it, but maybe...

I forgive those who hurt me. At least, I am pretty sure I forgive.  I just can't seem to step past fearing them.  It's harbored deep inside somewhere.  Maybe it's self-preservation.  Maybe it's the child me.  I think I fear myself, though, too. I am not sure how...this is just sort of coming to me...

The Martina line that screamed at me:  Sometimes she wishes she was never born

I have felt this...so many times.  Reading the lines makes tears well up in my eyes.  I see me here...And I love the mosaic.  It provides a great illustration for the way the walls break.  I can see the Light shining out...or is it in???

We are also in the Frankenstorm's path.  With the expected sustained winds, we are told to expect sustained electrical outages.  I have my candles, I have stored water.  But the first thing I did when I saw the forecast was go to the library and get five new books.  Unfortunately, I have already finished one of them.  It was Dogs of Dreamtime by Karen Shanley.  She writes of a beloved dog reincarnating and calling her in her dreams.  She finds the dog, then writes about the ensuing chaos of other dogs and lessons learned.  At the end she is worried about her dog running off with the coyotes, of embracing her wild self and abandoning the connection with Karen.

I have reread and taken comfort in the following passage.  Kiera is her soul dog, Magic is another dog that she had to have put down.

I believe there is a golden thread that runs through all of our lives.  I'd temporarily lost sight of mine, and needed to learn to trust that it was still there.  This is the purpose of faith, I've come to understand.  It's the light that carries us safely through the darkness until we're able to see the light again for ourselves.

My Kiera was still here.  She didn't run away with the coyotes; she came back to me of her own accord.  I'd always had this worry in the back of my head that her wildness who eventually take her away from me too, as I believed Magic's wildness had taken him.  And that, some night, if she could run off with the coyotes, she would.

Kiera, lying on my feet as always, looked up at me, as if reading my thoughts, as if to say, Don't you get it?  My wildness is mine, not the coyotes'. I don't need to run off with them to be free.  I have always been who I am.  I've never left you and I never will.  I'm still here.  And now finally, so are you.

Yes, I thought.  Now finally so am I.

And so I could see that it was I all along who had been somehow calling the coyotes to us.  It was I who needed to meet these coyotes face-to-face, so I could stare into the face of my own wildness.  Because, in fact, I had been set free - free from my grief, and free from fearful thinking that had been trapping me.  I knew for certain now that my freedom lived within me.

I had been reminded of the unseen field behind everything that holds us all together.  I knew that I was still connected to Magic and he was still connected to me.  And I was one of the lucky ones, because I knew how deeply I was connected to...she mentions specific individuals.   Like Kiera, this knowing was mine now and I knew what I needed to do to keep it healthy. 

And maybe most importantly, I came to understand that absolutely everything had happened for a purpose...

This passage spikes many thoughts.  One I will share tonight is...How can we trust the light when born in a dark situation?  Children of abuse have such a hard time learning faith, because there is so little light...and maybe we need light to dry the swamp and turn all that gross turbid darkness into fertility for our new seeds of life.

If you need to evacuate, come here.  We are also in the storm's circle, but more peripherally.

I love you. Clare