to the swamp I go

I think the enemy I am trying to surrender to is me.  Because of the damage done to me at an early age, I have become my own worst enemy.  No one can vilify me as well as I do. No one else has the time or inclination to tear me to shreds.  So I do it to myself - sort of the modern version of medieval self-flagellation.  Except now it's all emotional/psychological.  Another part of the twist...why would any humane being torture self any more than they would ever torture another?

It sort of occurred to me that I have bonded to my attacker/abuser.  I am controlled by my self disgust or self rejection.  Sigh.......

So I am still trying to get into the swamp.  I have two more bits to consider.  Last night I got the definite message that I don't know swamps.  I need to go hang out in a swamp before I can psychically or imaginatively get through it.  My neighbor has a swampy patch on his farm, so I will go sit there the next time the sun shines.

Then I had a memory...one sunny afternoon last year I saw a big old snapping turtle crossing the dirt road I live on, and he was coming across my driveway, heading for the aforementioned swamp.  I went out and accompanied him for awhile, to make sure no cars hit him or that no one identified him as a soup ingredient.  I thought about the turtle in the swamp, and could "see" him just below the level of the dank waters, with only the tip of his nose protruding so he could breathe.  There's someone who knows the swamp...and I went back to my feathered turtle.  Am I the turtle?  Feathers are supposed to symbolize spiritual aspects.  And I the turtle trapped in the cage, with feathers already formed, already to fly.  And by freeing myself/the turtle, then being so comforted and safe in the arms of myself/the turtle, was I already working with myself as both lover and the beloved?  My soul is not screaming yes to these questions, but there is a little nod, some acceptance.  And so perhaps it is partially correct.  Or I am accepting that I have been on this road for a very long time!

I also love the hawks, but the vultures have gone out of their way to attract my attention and to teach me for years.  That was when I decided to learn more.  It just seems so very, very important that these beings are outside of the predator/prey cycle.  Hawks are predators.  They know how to target and kill.  The vultures simply clean up the mess.  It seems like something I need to know deep inside. The vultures understand and are the vehicles of transformation.

I agree with you about behavioral therapy.  We are so short-sighted, so unwilling to do the work of digging and truly understanding.  It is much like the medical approach of using medicines to cover symptoms to give the appearance of health, rather than truly creating health.  You shared something this summer that chimed so loudly that it has become part of my thinking process.  We can't simply stop an addictive behavior.  We must find the root pain that we are numbing if we are ever to succeed.

What kind of seminar are you attending?  I hope it is inspiring.

Safe travels, lots of love,

Clare